I come here today to ask for your support. For too long, a sect of our population has not had proper political representation. We have been denigrated and ostracized despite our attempts to increase understanding and awareness of our plight.
I ask you today to join with me in supporting the:
NAAWT
National Association for the Advancement of White Trash
We have been disrespected. We have not been appreciated. We hereby demand that the nation take a stand and recognize us for our contributions to society. Let’s take a look at just a couple of things that we have brought to this great nation.
The Mullet:
Conveniently cool in the front, fabulously long in the back. Need I say more?
The Stilted Trailer:
Come on guys. When you live near the ocean, you gotta protect your house from hurricanes. We have both brains and brawn. Take a look and tell me that you don’t think that this is brilliant.
In order to bring White Trash Awareness to the rest of the United States, I submit to you that we hold a giant march upon Washington. I have decided that we will call it:
The Million Mullet March
Join me and other white trash as we gather together to show America that we demand respect and appreciation for our efforts to maintain mediocrity in this great nation.
I am a smart person. No, really. I know I come off as a ‘tard in my blog, because I don’t have a lick of common sense. In a conversation, I will be the person that has no idea what’s going on. But I am incredibly book smart (seriously, I have references, I am just mad at them right now). I am one of those nerds that always has her head in a book and can answer all the theoretical questions, but walks into trees and walls and people all the time.
My ego is completely tied up in my book-smarts. I have been able to accomplish a lot professionally because of my ability to learn very quickly. On a personal level, I recognize my lack of common sense, my ability to say the wrong thing at the right AND wrong times, and generally make an ass out of myself in any social situation.
In the last week, however, I have had to look up three words on dictionary.com. Now, I never had this problem before. It’s not from the ECT; these are words that I just haven’t used before. I have heard of them. Maybe I never took the time to look them up. But for some reason, lately, whenever I run across a word I either know but don’t know the definition to, or have never heard it, I have an obsession to look it up and make sure I remember the definition.
I guess the difference is, before the ECT, I just never looked them up. Maybe I was able to figure it out by context; maybe I just didn’t care. I don’t know. But now, I have a compulsion to look them up.
THREE WORDS IN A WEEK. THREE WORDS IN A FUCKING WEEK! When did that happen? I used to have the best vocabulary of all my friends and colleagues. Now, I find myself going, “what the fuck did she/he just say?”‘
This is a huge blow to my ego. I have also found that my mind doesn’t work as quickly as it used to. That’s been going on for a couple of years. It’s time for me to bring out the Sudoku (or however you spell it) and the other mind games to keep my brain functioning well. God, I thought that would start in my 50’s. Apparently, it starts in the 30’s. I have just been putting it off for a couple of years.
This is just such a blow. ME, having to look words up! ME, having to train my mind to think as quickly as it used to! What in the hell is this world coming to?
Yesterday, I was quite concerned that I may have offended people of a certain race/religion. Today, I want to take a moment and share with you how I truly love each and every one of you, just the way you are.
In order to do that, I turn to Tom Lehrer, my favorite ex-singer/songwriter/Harvard Mathematics professor for an inspiring song. The second video is for my favorite Catholic; you know who you are.
NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD WEEK
VATICAN RAG
If you like Lehrer, you may enjoy some of his other songs, such as:
Well, good news. A job offer is in the system awaiting the final rubber stamp, and will be forwarded to me for acceptance very soon. This means that I won’t be knocking on your doors, dogs in tow, begging to sleep on your couch and eat your post toasties.
My pro-bono personal coach asked me what I am going to do to celebrate. Of course, the first thought in my mind was, “Uh, I shoulda had a job months ago if I weren’t such a lazy piece of crap, so do I really deserve to celebrate?” but I refrained from saying this knowing it would lead to nowhere. So, I have all these Best Buy gift certificates from 15 years of points on a credit card that I never redeemed. I had picked out three things from Best Buy that I wanted, and she said to go for it. I feel guilty using them, even though it’s “free money”. I can’t trade them for anything, and they are gift cards. But I feel guilty nonetheless, because money is so tight and I really can’t afford luxuries. And it’s a lot of money in gift cards.
Last night I slept. I mean, the kind where, once you finally fall asleep, the next thing you know, it’s morning. Although I do remember my dream. It had to do with selling my grandmother’s ring to make ends meet (I have not done this, yet, and don’t want to), and some big guy who was after me for gambling debts. I don’t gamble, but, whatever.
I am going home tomorrow. I am leaving the fantastic, beautiful and fun city of Llano and heading back to Dallas. Should all go well, I will start my new job next week. It’s 100% travel, like usual, so I need to be close to D/FW. Back to tin can hell. But I am not complaining. It’s a job, it puts food on the table, and it keeps me from having to liquidate all of my things, which I was looking at having to do. Thank you god for that.
In the interim, I need to find a solution for my dogs. When I was a consultant, I made enough money to put them with my vet each week. They stay at her house, sleep in her bed, etc. But this is an on-staff position, so I won’t be making as much money. Which means that the cost to keep them with my vet will be prohibitive. So I am going to try my best to act like a jew and negotiate. She’s a toughie; I doubt I will make any progress.
So, if anyone is interested in two beautiful pain-in-the-ass brother Lhasa Apsos, and is willing to keep them together, give them lots of love and kisses all day long, lots of hoofies, lots of toys, and let them sleep on the pillows in your bed, let me know. High maintenance is an understatement.
My dad (and I got permission on this one to give him a hard time) has quite the idea when it comes to decorating. Apparently, all you need is one extra sheet and a couple of binder clips.
For years, I thought that my dad was decorating on the fly, intending to go with something more permanent later on. After nine or ten years of this, though, I have finally realized that this IS the real deal.
