As a writer and aspiring author, sociology and anthropology are a part of what I do.  Particularly within the genre in which I write, the below is something of great import.

Apparently, I suck at it.

Or at least, in this particular case.  The reason is because I am involved and am an active participant; I am not watching from the sidelines.

Fifteen minutes outside of Mexico City, in the mountains, is a small village.  Now, if you have every driven in and/or around Mexico City, this just ain’t that far, guys.  And Mexico City is not indicative of a third world country.  It’s pretty close to living in the states in many places.

But, no matter where you go in Central America (and most of South America), you just have to suspend disbelief.  I have been told this a million times since I have been here, but I guess you just don’t believe it until it happens to you.

In this small village, an incident occurred.  I won’t go into specifics, but it involves some dogs, a proprietor and a friend of mine.  They were walking the dogs, and a family became “scared” and climbed trees.  The dogs did nothing but want to play with them.  There is a lot more to this story, but it’s really too long to describe here.

Now, apparently, JAMA does not want you to know of two particular things that can be caused by low amounts of stress in very small increments of time.  But the villages of Mexico are fully aware of such horrific side effects. Whether or not they have shared these things with the global medical community or not, I have no idea.  But I MUST do my due diligence in making you aware of such things.

Should you ever experience minor stress, even for a short period of time, say, fifteen minutes, you may be in danger of contracting the following two things:

Diabetes

Demon or Spirit Possession

Below are the steps to prevent the above from occurring should you experience minor stress for this small period of time.  Be sure to follow these steps specifically, leaving nothing out.

1. Gather everyone in town, including children, and arm them with stones and machetes.
2. Meet with the individual who caused the stress and surround him or her.
3. Greet the person cordially.  Make sure to let the person know that their mother needs to be fucked (which in Mexico, NEVER happens unless you are homicidal).
4. Properly introduce the individual to the machetes and the stones.
5. Ensure that the individual is aware of the embellishment of the crime, and introduce them to the local authorities that have come with you to support them.  Allow the authority to show that he is also carrying a machete and stones.
6. Cut off access to the offender’s domicile, and demand payment for entry.  Tell the individual that you have no idea what the payment would be, and that you would get back to them in a couple of days.

At this point, you just look at the group of people and realize that you are either dealing with people with IQs of 25, or they are just fuckwads who grew up with this fucking voodoo shit and logic will never apply.  You realize that you have just encountered your first experience with that shit that they’ve been telling you about.

Next steps:

1. The villagers/pillagers tell you that there is a local “dude” who runs the community, and that we should all meet with him.  You say okay.  They set it up for some weird-ass time that concurs with some weird-ass star/moon association.
2. You meet at the local community center with this weird-ass shaman fuck with 30 villagers on one side, and you and your friend on the other.  **Note: you are a full born Mexican citizen but you look like a Canadian.  They don’t give a shit.

Now, pay attention.  HERE is how you prevent yourself from getting diabetes or getting possessed by a spirit:

1. Go to your local witchcraft store and consult with the blah-blah (insert Indian name here that I CANNOT pronounce, and it’s for protection against possession, both good and bad, and for disease).
2. Have shaman or whatever come to your dwelling and protect your house and property for the same.
3. Everyone with whom you have come in contact with since the incident must have the same “treatment”.
4. At the “town hall meeting” (read “Indian pow-wow wampum”), determine compensatory damages.  Apparently, stuffing money into stress holes in your body keeps spirits and diseases from occurring.
5. Because dogs carry evil spirits and bring death and destruction to small towns, the owner of said dogs must provide some type of compensatory homage to the city in the form of a new building, a new fountain, or something that does absolutely no real good for the community.
6. Negotiate with the offender regarding a daily toll for access to his or her property, and another toll to the public road that access the property.

It is a good thing that I was not there for the negotiations, or so I was told.  I would done the following, and seriously, I might add, considering that logic does not apply:

1. Indicate that both sides need to come up with case studies of

• three incidents: man, woman and child who “contracted” (their words, not mine) diabetes at any time due to stress.
• three incidents: man, woman and child who became possessed by a spirit due to stress.

2. Based upon the stress level and duration of said stress, determine the statistical possibility of such two things occurring in the complainants’ case.

3. Determine compensatory damages based upon the statistical percentage, and cover any “medical” treatments required by “shaman” to prevent demon/spirit possession.

I was subsequently told that I would have been machete’d to death had I been there to negotiate.  I was actually surprised, because I would not have been mocking their belief at all.  I would actually have been supporting their belief, and just asking for evidence so we could make a statistical analysis of the probability to determine compensatory damages.

I was told that they would get lost as the word “negotiate”. So I think I am fucked.  I mean, as a logical person, how do you suspend ALL logic and deal with a situation where there IS no solution?  How do you reason where there IS no reason?  How do you ask someone if they believe that stuffing money in their pockets proactively removes the ability for possession, doesn’t that preclude the actual belief in possession if they don’t even understand what the word “preclude” is?

How the fuck do you reason with someone like that?  The bottom line, I have learned, since I have been here is, you don’t.  You give them what they want, or they kill you.  Plain and simple.  I have now seen and/or heard of incident after incident just like this.  And not in the papers, but through my friends.  You cannot reason with magic.  You can reason with Catholicism, but not with magic.  You will get killed because of Magic and Voodoo.  You have NO recourse.  When the villagers come at you with machetes, you cough up the dough, or you are dead.  And don’t forget; the cops are there with the machetes too.

Ah, Voodoo, Witchcraft and Santería.  How I love thee.

So, the lesson learned here is this:

If you are going to bring death, disease and spirits with you somewhere:

• Bring death and disease to the narcos, but stay the hell away from the border states.
• Bring happy spirits that can’t stop laughing or are extremely content and/or happy.

And to change Lincoln up a bit (it was Lincoln, right?),

Speak softly, and carry SEVERAL very large guns.