Yeah, that’s right. I said it.
I am the proud nesting ground of one retarted, autistic and dumb mother-fucker female redbird.
Some stupid, over-testosteroned egotistical male redbird has decided that MY property is the best place to keep his harem of the “dumb blonde” female redbirds. I have three of them. I assume he is working on more, due to the typical boredom factor of about three months of most males.
This one particular dumbass, I mean, female redbird, has decided that she can get into my house. For six months, I have listened to this dumb mother-fucking stupid-ass bird peck at my window. Full head-on. At first, I worried that she would kill herself, so I would go in there and scare her away. As it continued, I just got pissed.
I put up blocks, cardboard boxes, scary shit; nothing deters this stupid fucking bird. My house looks like it has been boarded up with cardboard in the back. All she does is find another fucking window to peck at.
It starts at 5 a.m. and goes till about 9 p.m. I am now hoping that one last peck will take out her brain stem and that will be the end of it. It’s either that, or I go out and commit mass murder against three harem birds. God knows what the male would do to me should I do that.
I don’t own a gun; I guess I would have to resort to hand to hand combat. Because I can’t fly, and I am slow as molasses, she has the upper wing on me. But it’s MY fucking house, bitch. Maybe some poison on the glass? The bird CAN’T be smarter than me. Or can she?
Ideas on killing the mother-fucking retarted and autistic harem bird? All ideas welcomed.
7 responses so far ↓
1 Radio Daze // Feb 15, 2009 at 10:13 am
So Mother Nature is giving you the bird. Get a stuffed cat and put it by the targeted window.
2 laughingattheslut // Feb 17, 2009 at 7:15 am
Is this a cardinal or something else? I didn’t know that they had more than one mate. Could it maybe be one of the babies instead?
Not that I know what to do about retarded baby birds either.
Cardinals are probably not all that bright to begin with, as they tend to build their nests out of Kleenex and such.
3 dmarks // Feb 17, 2009 at 8:26 am
I started reading this like it was about people.
4 whall // Feb 18, 2009 at 12:35 am
A piece of bread with an alka-seltzer wrapped inside.
5 dmarks // Feb 20, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Someone has birdiebombs on their mind. Nasty…
dmarkss last blog post..Winona Ambassadors
6 olive // Mar 30, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I wish! I’ll trade you your birds for my pigeons!!! Did you know that pigeons shit like crazy? I didn’t. And it seems that it is acid shit cause it destroys everything. I can’t get rid of these pigeons! They even have parties; inviting all of their pigeon friends. THen I have my kids saying “mommy can we go outside to play?” I respond, “sure, if you want poop to land on your head and clothes.” Goodluck
7 stupid funny // Jan 1, 2010 at 10:09 pm
love the stuff, linked to you.
Come on man. You know you want to say something!