In light of the fact that I have spent years and years and years celebrating Valentine’s day alone, consuming vast quantities of chocolate to compensate for the lack of sex in my life, I have decided to put together a proposition.

My proposition consists of exactly what I am looking for in a man. Okay, the MINIMAL qualities. Over the years, my list has grown quite short, much like my expectations out of life.

So, without further ado, here is my proposition to those men who fit the bill.

Single, well-employed, traveling female in search of anatomically-correct male counterpart who has the following qualities:

1. Can speak and write at a 9th grade level.
2. Can lift Sparklettes water from porch to kitchen.
3. Can say “uh huh” and “oh” and “wow” at appropriate times in conversation when not listening.
4. Is mildly employable.
5. Breathes air. Doesn’t have to breathe air well.
6. Can get out of bed by himself without a forklift. Crowbar is acceptable.
7. Does not wear women’s lingerie.
8. Does not fuck with my purple pens. These are sacred items.
9. Does not get manicures.
10. Does not fart ON me.

Is this too much to ask? Really?