“I hope one day to be the person my dogs think I am.”
–stolen from someone I can’t remember.
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Yesterday, Wayne and I were IM’ing. He wrote that instant messaging should really be called instant miscommunication. I happen to agree. I also extend the same to emails.
The problem is lack of inflection. Now, I can communicate with Wayne without incident online because I have known him for ten years and I know his typical inflection with almost any word within his vocabulary. It works. But with others, it becomes a different story.
Before I get into this, I am not excluding myself from the miscommunication issues, because this particular problem affects us all. I have found that more miscommunication occurs via electronic mediums than any other medium out there. What’s missing? Body language and inflection.
When I manage people, I use email as a form of information dispensation only. I will not manage people by email. Too much is lost in conveying information to someone when they are not directly in front of you. Second best is phone, but in person is best.
We read electronic communications with our own inflection put in. Most likely, the meaning is not conveyed at all correctly to the reader. In fact, I submit to you that inflection is more important than the words that are stated.
Since most of us are from two generations that live in the electronic communication world, substituting phone calls for text messaging, IMs and email, we have had to resort to new ways to convey inflection; capitalizing a word that should be emphasized, putting smilies when we would smile in person, etc. But there is still the risk of losing the meaning from the straight words. I believe this happens much more than not when talking with people that you have never met personally.
Story: When I worked at a software company, we had two support groups. One was in Austin, and the other was in Santa Clara. There was great animosity between the two groups. We thought they were idiots and vice versa. I finally convinced my manager that, even though I was guilty of thinking they were all idiots, a lot could be resolved if we could all meet each other in person and learn about each other’s natural inflections, personalities, etc. It worked.
I feel for our generation and subsequent generations to come. No one wants to talk on the phone anymore. I have friends with whom I have never spoken on the phone, visited or communicated otherwise except electronically. Unfortunately, these are people that tend to believe the way I do. I don’t have the opportunity to talk with people that I have trouble communicating with, because I don’t get the opportunity to meet them or talk with them via phone. This is unfortunate, because it leaves us with the inability to work through differences outside of the electronic realm.
In addition, people have various writing skills. Some write well, some do not. Some are direct (like me), some are namby pamby. Both are fine. The problem is that the direct people are typically dictated as rude, tactless, etc. People tend to read between the lines with direct people. Should those people know me personally, they would know how I inflect direct statements. I am exactly what I write. I do not play games, I do not play bullshit, and I am not the typical woman. I don’t have time for that. Some people are sensitive to directness, thinking that a statement that means nothing more than it says is some indication that it means something else. Their feelings get hurt. Again, this could be rectified by one phone call or a meeting in person.
It’s unfortunate. I am guilty of it, as I am sure, everyone else has been from time to time.
Now go forth and have a fantastic day!
17 responses so far ↓
1 whall // Apr 25, 2008 at 8:20 am
See if you can detect the inflection:
“Screw you guys, I’m going home!”
whalls last blog post..RoadRunner Turbo
2 Absurdist // Apr 25, 2008 at 8:28 am
Wayne:
So you are going to sea world for the 100th time today? Do you have a crush on Shamu?
Dude, seriously.
3 Avitable // Apr 25, 2008 at 9:06 am
I think it’s fairly simple to communicate exclusively by email and instant messenger and get your message across with your intended tone. It’s all about the words you choose.
Avitables last blog post..The incredible shrinking penis
4 Miss Britt // Apr 25, 2008 at 9:17 am
Once in a while someone misinterprets my sarcasm - but that usually results in me getting an email saying “OMG I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings!”, to which I respond “Dude. I am fucking with you. I’m not that sensitive.”
But I think that you can be direct without it coming across as rude.
I think the mistake that a lot of people make who call themselves “direct” is assuming that communication is only about the person sending the message. Good, effective communication takes into account the receiver as much as the sender.
Miss Britts last blog post..Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be rapists
5 Matt-Man // Apr 25, 2008 at 9:21 am
Good post and I love the quote. Ha. Cheers!!
Matt-Mans last blog post..Blog-Fo-Mercial Friday: Cynical Bastard
6 Robin // Apr 25, 2008 at 9:38 am
I’ve had SO many problems because of the lack of inflection online, so many. At the same time I never want to face it in person or on the phone. I’m a wuss but there is 1/2 my problems in life probably.
7 Penelope // Apr 25, 2008 at 9:55 am
Great post! I absolutely agree that *hearing* a voice and then reading the words makes it easier to understand the message. That said, for those of us that have been online a longgggg time we’re pretty good at understanding meaning.
eg. When you say “You fuckin’ Brit” I know you mean “I *heart* you Lady Penelope”…am I right, or am I right? ;o)
Penelopes last blog post..Are we pleased, or not pleased?
8 bluepaintred // Apr 25, 2008 at 10:03 am
My problem is having more than one IM window open and typing in the wrong one.
bluepaintreds last blog post..*waves* HI!
9 Absurdist // Apr 25, 2008 at 10:11 am
Avi:
I don’t know about “fairly simple”, but if you have mastered that, more power to you!
Britt:
True
Matt:
Thanks! I love that quote too.
Robin:
Yeah, I hear you. It’s not that I don’t consider the person receiving the email. Mostly, I am that direct in my spoken word, and that’s what comes down on paper as well.
Penelope:
Yup. Like with Wayne, I totally get everything he says to me, because I know him. Otherwise, it can be difficult to really get what the person is trying to say.
BPR:
OMG, I have done that so much! Or replied to all. LOL
10 whall // Apr 25, 2008 at 11:20 am
I haven’t been to Sea World in years.
But part of effective communication is understanding what the person _meant_ and not just what thet _said_.
We always go to Six Flags, not Sea World. This time we’re going to Sea World.
whalls last blog post..RoadRunner Turbo
11 Finn // Apr 25, 2008 at 11:26 am
I agree with Avi that word choice is crucial — you probably have to be more formal in your word choice in writing with those you don’t know.
I also agree with Britt that sarcasm doesn’t always translate unless you know the person well. And that, like any communication, it’s a two-way street.
For my part I think that people tend to things entirely too personally when they are not meant to be.
Finns last blog post..Thursday Photo: Cookies!
12 Tori // Apr 25, 2008 at 11:58 am
I’ve been offline for a few days… so first I want to say I LOVE your template… and 2nd, I agree with your post, but will still choose IMing someone over talking to them in person if it involves a difficult subject… I end up tearing up and/or crying over the stupidest things but I can write out my intended message usually quite clearly…
Toris last blog post..the world works in strange ways
13 laughingattheslut // Apr 25, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Okay, this is what happened earlier this week. Saturday, I skipped the sci-fi group meeting. There was a Mirror Mirror theme that day, and I didn’t have a special costume or anything else prepared, and I was just not feeling up to the whole thing and didn’t go. So I got some emails saying I was missed and where was I and was I okay and so on. So I said that I was tired and I needed a day to myself. And I mentioned that I didn’t have anything to wear to the Mirror Mirror thing, unless I was just going to show up in my underwear or something, which I didn’t think was a good idea since the meeting was in the middle of the afternoon at a family restaurant. I was making a reference to the Halloween party when my costume was a bit out of character for me and was mostly red and black undies. But somehow they got the idea that I was so depressed that I was just sitting around in my underwear, like I just didn’t have the energy to get dressed or something.
Okay, so I have been depressed off and on for most of the last two years, but I’m very rarely so depressed that I can’t dress myself, and Saturday was not one of those days.
laughingatthesluts last blog post..What the hell was I thinking?
14 Nat // Apr 25, 2008 at 5:32 pm
When did you redesing?? Love the bunnies.
I hear you. I work in PR and I make myself call people, it’s only through voice that we can connect. (Amazing how well that works.) I think in a business context it’s become critical to actually call people — email just doesn’t work sometimes, specially if you are trying to manage expectations.
Nats last blog post..Gone to the dogs
15 Winter // Apr 26, 2008 at 12:37 pm
I agree with Avitable to a point. Your vocabulary is key, but you also have to have some pure common sense in there. I usually have trouble with women and the lack of inflection. Men I don’t have that issue with. Why? Because men just aren’t as emotional about what someone has typed to them. They don’t take it to heart as much as women who tend to overanalyze, looking for the hidden “meaning” the words in the IM or email. Common sense. We all know some women can be, so you just have to use caution when communicating with them electronically.
Winters last blog post..Am I Dreaming?
16 Robin // Apr 26, 2008 at 12:40 pm
I am a very emotional person so I try to be really careful about how I interpret something online and ask before I get upset, doesn’t always work. I do, however, take stuff personally more so when it’s someone I don’t trust for whatever reason. That probably says I shouldn’t even be conversing with them at all, that’s the next step.
Robins last blog post..Bumper Sticker I Saw
17 Absurdist // Apr 28, 2008 at 7:22 am
Wayne:
I agree. That’s why tone and inflection are so important. They communicate more than the words themselves. BTW, I guess I thought you went to Sea World all the time because I got it confused with Six Flags.
Finn:
I agree with you on that. I am guilty of the “taking it too personally” as well.
Tori:
Thanks! Jester did the template. Isn’t he awesome? When I think someone is mad at me, I tend to write as well. For the most part, I do write much better than communicating verbally on a personal level; it also gives me the opportunity to say what I need to say without being interrupted. My problem is that I worked with lawyers too long in my life, and I write like a lawyer, even in personal correspondence.
Slut:
It’s almost like that game where you whisper from person to person, isn’t it?
Nat:
Thanks! Redesign went in last week thanks to Jester. I try to at least meet the person on the phone first if I can’t meet them in person. That way, I can at least develop a rapport with them and they understand my tone and inflection before I communicate with them electronically. Maybe the difference with me is that, in business, I refuse to manage by email. I will dole out tasks that way, or through project management software, but I will not manage people through email. It’s too impersonal. Those relationships are too important to me to not be handled in person.
Winter:
I agree. I tend to do that when women write me much more than men. Maybe it’s because I work mostly with men rather than women, and I tend to communicate exactly the way that I do. I don’t soften anything. I am direct and with tact, but I do make mistakes with that when I get bitchy. Mostly on a personal level. When I write communications in business, I read and reread my email three times before I send it. I learned that the hard way.
Robin:
Good point. I should really take the time to ask for clarification before getting upset. I don’t do that, and that’s great advice!
Come on man. You know you want to say something!