Welcome to Freewriting Friday. If you would like to participate, please head on over to Metalmom’s site. She came up with this great idea (actually, I think it might be Shelli’s, but I am not sure. If so, I apologize!) We write for five minutes as free association, or stream of consciousness. For those of you who have trouble finding a timer, I have been using this timer for a long time for many different things. It’s totally web-based, and will count up or down, with a ding at the end. I love it! Participants so far (there may be more by the time this is posted; check on MM’s site for the complete list):
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A lot of people think “do you really only type for five minutes?” the answer is yes. I just type really fast.
Anyhoo, dealing with this African stuff has really worn me down over the last two weeks. I am exhausted and bitchy. Not to mention the deal that happened with the bank yesterday cashing a check for 20k instead of $200. They forgot to hit the dot for the two extra zeros, it appears. It’s going to be three to five business days before it is taken care of. Humiliated, I had to call my dad to wire money to me for groceries and gas, and to pay my copays for my medicine. I felt so humiliated, especially since he helped me so much when I started my consulting business, had no choice, there was no work out there when I was laid off. He forgave my loan for Xmas, but the guilt is still there. My dad is a great guy. My mom is a horror. Not just the kind where you say, my mother in law is a mean person. I mean, my mother is a true horror. From the day I was born till this very day. Listening to how worthless I am my whole life, getting the shit beat out of me, the drunkeness ande alcoholism, and the fact that she remembers nothing is horrible, because she was in blackouts all the time. She isn’t there for me, and she has decided to cut off all communication with my brother and me, because we stood up for ourselves after she was “hit” by that car and her whole body was “demolished”. Let me tell you her problem; she had two minor fractures in her pelvis. But we are going on like, six months of woe is me. I am glad not to be there, but this is the first time she hasn’t had my brother to complain about me. To be fair, she totally ripped hinm in front of all her friends; I mean, it was bad. And her hunband, the nicest guy in the whole wide world, spilled vile out of his mouth at my brother, telling him that me and my brother had ruined my mother’s life. I guess that just proves that she really felt like my brother ruined her life at 18, and I was the save the marriage baby that just gave her grief her whole life since I felt like I didn’t deserve to get beaten. I dno’t kinow why I am going off on this tangent. I guess it’s because I would prefer to feeel like I am some knid of worthy person, and now that I am dating someone good tome, I feel so worthless, and it’s hard for him. I know that this is a lesson in how to learn to love myserf, but I still have problems feeling like I am worthy of any man. I know you guys see this as a theme in my life, and I know you hope that the encouraging words taht you give me make a difference. They do, because I know that you truly care about me. But as you guys also know, the core problem never seems to go away on its own.
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If I missed your name and you participated in freewrite friday, please post below.
6 responses so far ↓
1 Robin // Mar 21, 2008 at 6:54 am
It’s all a day by day thing, one foot in front of the other. Take time to breath and to free your mind of bad thoughts. Be good to yourself. It’s a struggle everday for me too ((hugs))
Robin’s last blog post..Freewriting Friday: Babies, Cincinnati and Lots of Rest
2 Kyra // Mar 21, 2008 at 7:05 am
Doesn’t the bank have to cover you, since it’s their error? (finance stuff makes me crazy.)
Kyra’s last blog post..Sing, Sing a Song… Read Out Loud…
3 Finn // Mar 21, 2008 at 8:31 am
Makes you wonder why you even bother writing a fucking check, doesn’t it? I’ve had that happen before when they put through a check for less than what I wrote to the phone company. I’ve always wondered what would happen if it went the other way.
If I were you, I’d be bitching big time. They should be kissing your ass…
4 Winter // Mar 23, 2008 at 2:01 am
Banks suck. Mine’s not too bad, but in general they suck. My friend Andrew had a bank magically make 10K disappear from his account, they said, with no trace. One day it was there, the next it wasn’t, and they said they had no transaction records so they didn’t know where it went. He hassled with them to no avail until he sent them a letter on his letterhead (he’s an attorney) threatening to sue. Pathetic.
Re mom. I have a friend in IN, whose dad is awesome to her but her mother is a fucking bitch and a half to her. It’s always an ordeal for her to go home for the holidays or have them come to visit. And she has severe allergies. They are smokers. They smoke in her house, and theirs, around her, uncaring of her health. And they give her shit if she gets online. Parents like that make me glad I had my parents, even if I only had them until I was 26.
Winter’s last blog post..Winter’s Big Pimp’N Friday
5 Absurdist // Mar 23, 2008 at 2:20 am
Robin:
I love that gravatar. Mine still sucks. I think I will play with it in a bit here. I have been sleeping for two days, and I swear I can’t get back in bed or my back is going to run away from me in fear. It hurts so much just to lay down or sit down. Thank you for the kind words.
Kyra II:
Yes,I have to call you the second because of the other Kyra! Yes, big banks. Fuckers. They have to follow the trail. They did promise not to let anything outstanding bounce. And, they gave me 10k of it back the other day. Why not all 20K? Hell I have no idea.
Finn:
Why does your gravatar look like a red, ornate uterus?
Winter: \
That totally sucks. That reminds me of trying to get my expenses back from the company that I just left due to immigration fraud. I literally had the CFO on the phone and said, “Okay, I have my attorney’s demand letter in my hand. Do I drop this in the mail now, or do you do the right thing?” We had to do this for four separate expense reports. Litereally, the same fucking thing every time.
6 Absurdist // Mar 23, 2008 at 3:09 am
just testing gravatar updates
Come on man. You know you want to say something!