I do not shop at the grocery store. I refuse. The same is true of Target and Wal-Mart, and any other giant chain. This is why I have an assistant that I pay by the hour for time used. I have a bad habit of stating the obvious to people, which typically pisses them off. I do it at the groomers, in the chain stores, the movie theater, any governmental agency, the corner store, small towns, highways, low-ways, toll roads, turnpikes, avenues, parkways, at soccer-moms, men who drive minivans, and generally any other place that is in public. My friends prefer that I do not go out in public, and chain me down and ask my assistant to go for me when they get a hint that I am about to go anywhere. When I state the obvious, a small hint a cum-load of sarcasm spews out of my mouth. I frown mockingly, I raise my voice, and I am generally very bitchy. What bothers me the most is that people think I am being rude, when I am actually pointing out that their IQ is less than 40. Additionally, these people tend to breed like pigs. It’s amazing that these shallow-end pool fuckers haven’t evolved by growing 10 breasts for their constantly-produced offspring to suckle. I have been known to tell people, out loud that their IQ should preclude them from engaging in any type of procreation activity. I have been known to tell them that they have “over-bred”. I have been known to tell people that they are fucking morons. I have been known to tell people that they are a waste of space on this earth. I have been known to tell people, “You’re a fucking Christian; forgive me.”
Typically, it doesn’t go over very well.
So again, when my friends find out that I am attempting to go to a chain store between the hours of 8 a.m. and 8 p.m., they tie me down for the sake of those people with whom I would typically offend to the point of tears. It’s just who I am. I can’t help that I was born with an IQ of 150. I will tell you, however, that it sucks most times to be smarter than the rest of the world. I have to tolerate mediocrity and sub-par intelligence all day long. No wonder I am bitter. I even have to put up with Wayne’s ridiculously low IQ almost daily.
I have decided that the rules of driving apparently DO NOT transfer into how you drive a cart at these fucking chain stores. Now, it’s obvious to me that the lanes and aisles LOOK LIKE a fucking roadway, but apparently, this is lost on most people. I am SICK AND FUCKING TIRED of “over-bred, cell-phone-talking, stop in the middle of the fucking isle, let your kids run around like psycho-lizard-killing autistics” retards who frequent these chain stores. But worry not; you can count on me because I have a solution.
I have come up with new “Rules of the Road” laws for chain stores. Please indulge me.
The Ten Commandments of Chain Stores:
- Thou shalt not park in the middle of the isle.
- Thou shalt not run thy cart into the main thoroughfare.
- Thou shalt respect the “rules of the road” when driving a cart.
- Thou shalt maintain control of thy offspring so that single people are not touched, smiled at, cried at, surrounded or otherwise attacked by thou mangy little shits.
- Thou shalt prepare thy check before checking out.
- Thou shalt beat thy screaming children.
- Thou shalt stop thy cart and look both ways before entering the main thoroughfare.
- Thou shalt allow others with ten items or less to pass in front of thee in the checkout(when no self-checkout exists)
- Thou shalt be disallowed from bringing more than 1 offspring, or one baby shit and one terror to the chain store.
- Thou shalt not stare at items in the frozen or refrigerated section while others wait to obtain that which exists in these sections easily.
I know that these rules will be tough to swallow, or will not make sense. However, I highly recommend that you take these rules as rote from those of you who surpass you in intellect and logic. Should you not, us single and intelligent people will, in the very near future, rise up against the incompetent and irresponsible to win the war. We will require judges to allow or disallow you from breeding. We will require that you take a test before being allowed to enter any chain store. We will require that you restrain your children from being holy fucking shits in public. We will bring back public flogging, allowed by others who are not related to the shit in any way to beat the child senselessly. We will bring back justifiable homicide, forced euthanasia of stupid people, disallow you from flying on a plane in any way, shape or form, make you sit in the back of the bus, force you to live in Mexico, we will require your teenage fuckers to actually work instead of fucking off outside and not helping customers, we will require that checkers take the items out of your cart for you, and generally take all of your rights away for any given reason at any given time. Yes, we will rule. Yes, we will make a difference. Yes, we will restore sanity to our not-so-great country. We will not go gently into that good night. We will use our brilliance in technology to beat the fucking hell out of you. You will submit. We will reign.
Beware; the underground exists, and is quietly taking control at the top.
13 responses so far ↓
1 Dave2 // Feb 25, 2008 at 1:20 am
See, I don’t publish manifestos like this, because once you get caught unleashing your righteous fury upon the moronic masses, they can use it against you in court.
An IQ of 150? Really? Because I may only have an IQ of 144, but it doesn’t take a genius to realize you need to establish plausible deniability in situations like this! You even drew the prosecution a MAP for heaven’s sake!
Just trying to put the “evil” back in “evil genius”…
2 laughingattheslut // Feb 25, 2008 at 7:16 am
Number 5 was one of Mom’s commandments from way back. She took all three of us with her to grocery store, and if her name had been Mrs. Brady or Mrs. Bradford, she still would have brought all six or eight of us with her, but she always would have had that check all filled out while the person ahead of her was being helped. All you should have to fill out at the end is the actual amount of the purchase. You’re already supposed to know the date and your name and whether or not you’re buying something from Piggly Wiggly, so why wait til the last minute to write in that stuff?
Maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention. I didn’t see that any of this had anything to do with Catholics. Were all of the morons wearing religious jewelry or mumbling Catholic phrases?
And I hate people with cell phones anyway. But I hate them more in moving cars and in public restrooms.
laughingattheslut’s last blog post..Freaky Friday
3 Absurdist // Feb 25, 2008 at 7:20 am
Dave: you are absolutely right. I failed, however, to make it very clear that homicide, justifiable on the part of us smart, UNDERbred single people, will be overlooked automatically. Maybe you don’t make manifestos, but the most important thing is that you agree with me, because I will be the benevolent dictator of our country.
Slut: And I bet that you guys behaved very well. Seriously. My mom would have beat the SHIT out of me had I acted up in the store. I was very well behaved; the fear of god (mom) was in me. Thank you for validating the check thing. Thank god people rarely write checks anymore, except in fucking Llano, population 3000.
You are right; I failed to discuss the Catholics. I did, however, put in the graphic that the women with all those children is catholic. But it was kinda hard to read.
4 Robin // Feb 25, 2008 at 7:40 am
Remind me never to piss you off.
Robin’s last blog post..One On One: Absolutely Absurdist
5 Miss Britt // Feb 25, 2008 at 8:02 am
I would gladly shop without my kids.
Do you want to come babysit for me so I can do that?
Miss Britt’s last blog post..My Glamorous Night As A Centerfold
6 laughingattheslut // Feb 25, 2008 at 9:02 am
I definitely had the fear of God, Mom, and especially Dad. Someday I’m going to write a post about getting a REAL spanking, not a slap on the wrist that everybody whines about now.
I like to think that I was really well behaved, but looking back I think that I must have been a pain to take anywhere. Taking any children anywhere turns what should be a thirty-minutes errand into something that takes an hour or two.
The debit card is a wonderful thing. However, I can now never find the paper checks on those rare occasions when they are needed.
laughingattheslut’s last blog post..An update on this business of buying lottery tickets
7 Mr. Fabulous // Feb 25, 2008 at 9:49 am
Do pigs breed faster than other animals? I’ve had sex with pigs before, and I don’t think they have ever given birth. Maybe I am sterile?
Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..I’m back?full of thanks and some new wisdom
8 Poppy // Feb 25, 2008 at 9:55 am
Thou shalt prepare thy check before checking out.
I cannot do this. I cannot. I cannot stand the idea that I fill out the date and the name of the recipient and the memo field and put my John Hancock on there and then WOOHOOO BLANK CHECK SOMEONE CAN STEAL IT AND DO STUFF WITH MY MONEY!!!!
It’s totally irrational. And why I will only write checks in the privacy of my own home, behind deadbolted door.
(Hey, we all have our quirks.)
9 Wayne // Feb 25, 2008 at 11:00 am
Is your usage of Ten Commandments a subconscious plea for God to enter your life so that He may save you?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Wayne’s last blog post..Nailed
10 sue // Feb 25, 2008 at 11:37 am
Oh, dear…. This makes me grateful I rarely go shopping.
11 Absurdist // Feb 26, 2008 at 7:15 am
Robino:
You could NEVER piss me off. You are my one of my greatest strengths as a friend.
Fab:
Pigs don’t necessarily breed faster than humans; they just tend to have more babies at a given time.
Poppy:
You are forgiven since you don’t cart 85 kids with you. I can understand your statement, and that makes sense. Plus, you can write your out while things are being rung up. You aren’t trying to control a bunch of heathen screaming for candy, with precludes you from writing the check while your items are being rung up.
Wayne:
You know damned well that God has entered my life. He just loses the battle from time to time. Jesus el christo and el madannno aren’t anything special to me, however. Just another slut lying about how she got pregnant.
Sue: You too are excused, because your children are grown. And I suspect you kept your children in line, and that if they acted out, you got on them like glue on wood.
And thank you for being that way. You are an awesome person.
12 Robin // Feb 26, 2008 at 8:02 am
Awww…that is sweet!
Robin’s last blog post..How To Be My BFF
13 Kyra Sutra // Feb 26, 2008 at 9:00 am
I am so good at beating my kids while we’re out in public. If there was a Child Beating Olympics, I’d win every event.
Kyra Sutra’s last blog post..Now Hiring
Come on man. You know you want to say something!