Got lazy today, because Top and I were up after midnight trying to figure out how to interview each other via video. It’s going to happen this week. It’ll be fun! So today I am going to do a meme.

Please go and submit your captions for my contest, which ends at 11:59 p.m. on Wednesday, February 6th.

Prizes:

1. Funniest: $25 Starbucks gift card

. Nicest: $15 Itunes gift

3. Meanest: An in-person visit from me. I will fly out to meet you and take you to a four star restaurant of your choice on me.

Some of you appear to be a little timid about the mean stuff. That’s the fun part. There are lots of funny ones, but since I am not a judge, it’s really hard for me to tell mean ones. Maybe it’s cuz I have tough skin; so the meaner the better. Of course, that’s only if you want me to fly to meet you and take you out to dinner. If you don’t want me to do that, then by all means, be your typical nice selves.

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<MEME ON>

1. When showering, do you start the water and then get in, or get in then start the water?

Of course I start the water first. What kind of a moron starts a shower after getting in? Who are you? I want to know.

2. Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?

Only when I am going poopy and there is nothing else to read in the bathroom. I can probably say and spell all of those funky chemicals on the back.

3. Do you moan in the shower like the people on the Herbal Essences commercial?

Only if a guy is in the shower with me, and we are having a bit of fun.

4. Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?

Uh, duh. Who hasn’t. The question is, have I showered with someone of the same sex. Yes. When I was little. I used to take baths with my mom when I was three. Is that weird? Should I sue for sexual abuse?

5. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?

My whole life is about saving time, because I am a seasoned traveler. Of COURSE I brush my teeth in the shower.

6. How old do you look?

How the fuck should I know? I got carded for liquor the other day. I can’t get in to R-rated movies. Should I take that as a compliment?

7. How old do you act?

Depends on the part in the play, movie or commercial that I get.

8. What’s the last song you sang?

“Twinkle, twinkle little fluff” and “It’s raining Fluff”. I sing to my dogs, but I replace everything with “fluff” or “fluffy”.

9. Have you recently become a member of anything?

The ghost-hunters of Dallas and the Wiccan society of Jupiter.

10. What are your plans for the weekend?

By Friday, I usually get 10-15 calls from guys to go out. I pick the most expensive date to go on first, then based upon looks, then based upon sex potential.

11. Do you kiss with your eyes open or closed?

Are you kidding? I kiss with my eyes closed. With the kind of guys I get, I BETTER close my eyes and pretend he is Brad Pitt.

12. Does anything on your body itch right now?

Why do you think I am getting a pap smear and a visit with my OBGYN this afternoon?

13. Does every family have a crazy uncle?

Fuck if I know. All I know is that every woman in my family is batshit crazy; dead and alive. At least I am medicated… Or so you think….

14. Have you ever smuggled something into America?

Four Mexicans, 15 prescriptions of ADD meds, 25 year’s worth of birth control pills, 24 pounds of pot, and 136 oz. of cocaine. I don’t smuggle in crystal meth, because I can get that in Missouri.

15. Does playing the guitar make a girl/guy more attractive?

Only if they don’t suck, and if they play on stage. For some reason, a guy could be a total dog, and if he plays guitar well on stage, he becomes very sexy.

16. Do you live in a city with a good sports team?

Isn’t that kind of relative? I follow college sports. I *think* our teams are the Cowboys, Mavericks and Stars. Or is that the Rednecks, Conformists and Planets?

17. Have you ever had sex in a tent?

Actually, yes, I have. And these other people pitched 100 feet from ours, and apparently, HER sex was a hell of a lot better than mine. Bears came around after she screamed.

18. Would you rather receive amazing oral sex or have amazing sex?

Same diff. It’s good for him if he even gets to get his penis out. It’s good for me if someone even touches my clit. Of course, as you know what I say all the time, only 1 in 19 men are any good in bed. I have been with 4 good men. You do the math.

19. Can you fix your own car?

Why would I do that? This is Texas. I have Mexicans all over the place that I can impress into indentured servitude.

20. Should guys wear pink?

Only if they are so gay that they are on fire.

</MEME>