I haven’t slept in three days.  Well, only about two hours each night.  That is very unusual for me.  Again, I know you guys don’t read long posts, but I can assure you this one will be interesting.  At least, it’s something new.

Nevermind.  I’m not gay.  I’m just stupid.

So let me get to the point, then I will be my prolific self.  I am trying to figure out if I may be a lesbian.  See, I told you it might be interesting.

Let me put something out here to be clear.  I do NOT want this to become some religious venue like what happened on another person’s blog regarding marijuana.  This particular blog has nothing to do with the politics or dogma of homo or hetero sexuality, and any responses regarding the same will be blocked.  Okay, ’nuff said.

I have always been sexually attracted to men.  I have never had a reason to question my attraction to men and/or women.  It has always been my nature to find men attractive and have sex with men.  From time to time in my life, due to my horrific relationship experiences with men, I have wondered if I might be gay, because I can’t seem to find a decent relationship with a man, and I become an emotional black hole once I am in a committed relationship with a man.  I space out emotionally, and I am just not in the relationship anymore.  This has been true of every hetero relationship I have been in.

I grew up in Austin.  Austin is excessively liberal, and I am a huge advocate for gay rights.  I am one of the first people to step up for gay rights; even before a gay person will.  That’s the justice side of me.  I have a profound need for equality for all, so it really has nothing at all to do with the fact that I may be gay. Recently, I attended a colleague’s church.  The sermon was fine, until I leaned over and asked my friend if the pastor just said that homosexuality is a sin.  When my friend replied affirmatively, I stood up in front of the whole congregation, grabbed my big-ass girly purse, and walked out.  From the middle of a row in the middle of the congregation.  I absolutely refuse to engage or socialize with individuals that believe that homosexuality is a sin.  Again, not because I may be gay.  It’s because that’s what I think is right.

Even though I have always been attracted to men, I have always felt like there is something wrong with me.  Men don’t like me, I am different from other women, I don’t fit in, I could never be a barbie like they are.  I have become embittered toward men because I have only met one man in my entire life that is not in it for the barbie.  What I mean is that, at some point in my life, every man I have ever known, except one has indicated to me that, regardless of what they look like, they deserve and only want a barbie.  Does this piss me off? Sure it does.  Does this make me a lesbian?  No.  It does make me hate men though.  But not in that way.

Just like almost everyone, when I was younger I wondered if I was gay.  I mean, like, for about five seconds.  Then, when I think about having sex with a woman, I get really grossed out, shiver and move on to another thought that doesn’t gross me out.  As I have gotten older, and have experienced more failed relationships and more emotional voids while in those relationships, I have begun to question my sexual orientation outside of the sex part.  I have often joked that I am going to become a platonic lesbian.  Usually, that statement comes from some kind of recent experience with a man that just pissed me the hell off.  Usually some kind of barbie statement.

I abhor beautiful, weak and flaky women.  For the most part, this seems to be the type of woman a man wants.  I have actually had a man say to me, “All I want is a barbie.  And the dumber, the better.”  All of my best friends have always been those beautiful, flaky, weak barbies.  That one I haven’t figured out yet.  I guess I wanted to live vicariously through them.

Tonight, I called up Wayne, my best male friend, and just had a big ole’ bawl fest about men.  Crying and yelling, that is.  Thank god Wayne is a considerate and caring person.  He has put up with a lot of crying and yelling from me, as a good friend would do.  I was bitching and crying about the fact that for the last four years of my life, every date I have ever had has ended up with these specific words: “I just don’t feel a connection.”.  If you read my post about my last date, you know that I was told that again yesterday.  I am not upset about that particular experience.  What I am upset and pissed off about is that in four years, every single date I have ever had has ended with those words.  Those EXACT words.

Over the last ten years, there have been short periods of time where I have wondered if I am supposed to be gay.  Let me clarify; if I am gay, and I just don’t know it., or don’t want to know.  And it freaks me out, because I couldn’t stand the thought of having sex with a woman.  I think to myself, holy shit, what if I am gay, and since I would never have sex with another woman, I am totally screwed (no pun intended)?  If I am gay, why do I like men, like having sex with men, and would not consider having sex with a woman?  So I just let it go, because the thought of having to realize that I am something that would totally gross me out is not something I want to explore.  When I look at men, I find them extremely attractive.  I am only sexually interested in men.  Especially men who play hockey.  ;-)  Anyway…

I couldn’t sleep.  Again.  Again.  Again.  This is very unusual for me.  For the last year, I have been so miserable being alone.  I have always said that I can be alone; I am not afraid of being alone, and that’s true.  I am just tired of being alone.  I told Wayne a month ago, and I told him again tonight that I can’t go another twelve months alone.  When I weigh the good and the bad in my life, the good doesn’t outweigh the bad.  For most, what keeps us going is that the good outweighs the bad.  We have something to “live for”.   We have children that create a passion for us for life and providing for those children.  Or a wife, or a mife, or a husband, or whatever.  Maybe you have a dog.  Who knows.  All I know is that, when I come home at the end of the day, I don’t need to prove anything to myself anymore.  What I do in my life, I am satisfied with.  I want to share my life with someone.  When I come home at the end of the day, I want to be with someone who is happy to see me, that makes the shit in my day worth it.  And I have become so completely embittered with men that I have come to hate them.  I mean, hate them.  I mean, I REALLY hate men.  I hate what they are about.  I hate what they think about women.  I hate that they don’t want me.  I hate that they are not attracted to me.  I don’t understand why they are not attracted to me.  And while I was talking to Wayne, I realized something.  I have a very good sense of myself; I know my good and great qualities, I know my deficiencies, and for the most part, I feel really good about myself.  It’s more that I wonder why guys don’t find me attractive, or don’t find me interesting, or just don’t “connect” with me.  I kept asking him, “Wayne, what am I missing?  It’s not like I am sitting here telling you I am a piece of shit.  I am telling you what a great person I am.   So what the hell am I missing?”  He had no answer for that.  I actually rather preferred no answer, because I figured the answer would be that I am too ugly for any man to be attracted to me.

So tonight, after tossing and turning for three hours, I get up, and decide, for some reason, to research how to know if you are gay.  I know that seems really stupid, but I mean, since I have been “questioning” a lot, even though it grosses me out, and because guys never seem to feel a “connection” with me, I decided to just be curious and see if there was something out there worth reading.  There were a few good things, but I read one thing that really stuck out.  I think that most of us think about the sex part when we talk about being gay or straight.  The first thought that comes to our mind is the sex.  At least, for me it does.  Someone makes a comment about two lesbians, I get the heebie jeebies because the first thought in my mind is two women together having sex.  It never occurs to me to think about the relationship part of it, but I do that with hetero relationships.  So anyway, the statement made was that being gay isn’t always about the sex.  It’s just like hetero relationships; there is a relationship part too, and most people questioning their sexuality only think about the sex part when trying to figure out if they are gay or not.  That simple statement, for some reason, resonated with me.  Other things I read were that most people who are hetero don’t spend much time wondering if they are gay.  Well, duh.  What I am confused about is if the reason I think about whether I am gay or not is because men don’t want me, or if it’s because I am “supposed” to be gay.  To me, there would be a difference.  Thinking about if I “should” be gay because guys don’t connect with me is different than wondering if I am gay because I am attracted to women.

Here are a couple of other things.  All of my life, I notice women.  And not like that.  Please understand.  It never occurred to me to ask any of my friends if they notice women.  Here’s how it always goes when I notice a woman. I notice that she has great features, and I always think to myself, I wish I had legs like that, or I wish I looked like that, or she is really pretty, I wish I was her.  It’s never like, “gee, I wish I could have her because she has great legs” or anything like that.  But I have always wondered if that is normal to notice women on a regular basis for their physical characteristics in an envious way.  Maybe that is because I feel inadequate to attractive women.

I am not “afraid” of being gay.  I am not “afraid” of non-acceptance.  I am probably the most tolerant person you would meet when it comes to things like that.  I don’t fear friend or family responses if I were gay.  It just doesn’t bother me.  So it’s not a  matter of thinking I am gay, and I am afraid of telling anyone.  Frankly, if I am, I couldn’t give a shit who knows.  It wouldn’t bother me.  I am just more afraid of finding out that I am gay, because of the sex thing.  It just grosses me out to no end.  Then again, it’s not like I have ever had sex with a woman, so for me it’s like eating monkey brains.  The thought of it grosses me out, so I would never do it.  But hey, maybe monkey brains taste really good.  I would never know.

There’s this person in my life, who I will not mention, that has created additional thoughts in my mind that I may not necessarily be heterosexual.  I am not sexually attracted to her, but for some reason, I feel a connection.  I know she is gay; or at least, I mean, it’s pretty apparent.  If she were a man, she would be what I am looking for.  She’s smart, she’s funny, she’s responsible, she’s self-sufficient, she’s confident, and I really like her.  I guess it’s only been in the last year or so that I started to wonder if I am gay because of her.  Don’t worry; it’s none of you that read my blog, or at least purport to read my blog.  You don’t know her.  I have never approached her about her sexuality, and in over two years, she has never told me she is gay.  But I mean, it’s like, come on.  You are SO gay, and it’s okay.  And I wonder why she has never told me.

The other thing, and this is soooo stereotypical, so please forgive me, but I am such a typical woman.  I love shoes, clothing, makeup, really nice things, I like being feminine, and I like being a girl.  My favorite color is pink.  Does that sound gay to you?  I mean, for a chick? 

I am really trying to be serious here though, so I’m not looking for someone to say, well, maybe you are bi-curious, or something like that.  Because to me, bi-curious is about sex; not relationships.  And to me, this question isn’t about sex at all.  It’s about my compatibility with men, or lack thereof, and my potential ability to have a relationship with a woman.  Even if the sex thought just grosses me the hell out.

Okay, that’s all I got.