Don’t go there. I am fully aware it is not Friday. However, I was immunicado Thursday afternoon and yesterday, (which means I took a mental Brave New World Soma vacation) and frankly, I didn’t understand VD Friday’s rules, so I would have botchd it yesterday anyway. Shelli came up with this great idea, along with Don’t Wanna Hear .

So, since I am a week late and a day short (I think it started a week ago yesterday), I may not win a prize or anything, but here goes. Now, please understand that when I think in my head, I have conversations. The “Me” is my eog/personality, and the “It” is that other weirdo psycho living in my head. Must be that higher self that I ignore so often that I can hear sighing all the fucking time, like “go write that book proposal”, and “don’t eat the whole fucking cheesecake your freakin’tard.”

So now, it’s time for verbal diarrhea. I am using a dictation system to write this blog entry. There are several things going through my through smind all at once, because for some reason I cannot focus on one thing at a time lately. You’ll probably hear the dogs bark in the background, which irritates the fuck out of me. So, you’re probably wondering if I have anything interesting to talk about besides the fucking dogs (they are not gay; they are just irritating as fuck.)

Have been comatose for about two days, which is something that I need to deal from time to time. The problem with being comatose for two days is that I miss out on so many of your crappy blogs.

And now for something completely different.

Poppy thinks that I would be very good voice overs. Over 10 people since I was 25 (about 60 years ago) have told me the same thing. What I cannot do, at least I think I can’t do, are other voices. I studied the voice industry over about 10 years ago, but it appears that you have to be able to speak in other dialects than your own, and frankly, I can’t do Apu from the Simpsons. Everything I do sounds like I am from East Germany or something. I swear. I am also just recently irritated the voice of Cartman was used for the main lice character on one of the most recent episodes of South Park.

Here’s how Lice Capades Went:

Anyway, it may be more interesting to listen to the voices in my head. So here you go:

Me: he is poppy on crack?

It: probably, you’re not much good at anything except reading books and teaching.

Me: okay, well, what about books on tape?

It: well, you could give it a shot, but there is a lot of competition.

Me: well, according to the secret, I should be able to do anything I want, including molest small children.

It: yes, but the goal is to help others.

Me: and exactly how is it that I am helping others by reading books? Wouldn’t I be of more benefit teaching others how to attract small boys into their life to molest?

It: well, you never know. Since you know so much about sex, you coud use it to teach small children how to have sex with adults.

Me: but won’t that piss off man’s man?

It: who fucking cares? He’s a psycho who derives pleasure fom other small boys anyway, since his ass is so small that his proctologist’s finger can’t fit.

Me: so, you are telling me that killer and jester are psychos?

It: that surprises you?

Me: not really. It’s just that. I don’t want the online people to think that I am less sane than I really am. I mean let’s face it, I am batshit crazy, and I don’t want to lose my street cred.

It: you actually think that you have street cred? I mean, come on! You are a legend in your own mind.

Me: well thanks a lot you mother-fuckingshithead.

It: oh yeah, blame it all on me. It’s your fucking fault that you are a ‘tard.

Me: thanks for the vote of confidence. You have made my day. I think next week, I will actually prepare in advance for something less incredibly boring.