There are many things my parents taught me. Some were dead on; some were dead wrong. Here’s a list of some of mine.
What are yours?
PS: I hope to have the tally sheets from my judges for the caption contest so that I can post the results on Friday morning.
“If you can’t make a decision, you don’t have enough information.” –Mom
True.
“If you don’t get a degree, you will sling hash the rest of your life.” –Mom
False. I do not have a degree and I make more than enough money. I studied my ass off, though.
“Always pee right after you have sex so you don’t get a bladder infection.” –Dad
Absolutely true.
“Never drive after 9 p.m.” –Mom
False. I still don’t understand why this was so important.
“Never leave a room empty-handed.” –Mom
True. It helps me keep the house in order all day long.
“Save 10% of every paycheck, based upon gross pay.” –Dad
Absolutely true.
“Always keep a $20 bill stuffed in your wallet in case of an emergency.” –Dad
Doesn’t work so much. I keep spending it.
“Never work for more than two companies in your life. Find a job at a large company and be a lifer.” –Mom
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
“If my thighs ever touched each other, I would kill myself.” –Mom
I can’t comment on this one. My thighs have always touched, and hers never have.
17 responses so far ↓
1 Mr. Fabulous // Feb 7, 2008 at 5:05 am
I was raised by wolves, so most of my admonitions centered around the running down and devouring of herbivores.
Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..The spirit is willing, but the post is weak?
2 Miss Britt // Feb 7, 2008 at 6:36 am
“Never leave a room empty-handed.” –Mom
Um, I don’t think I’d invite your mom over for dinner. Bitch be stealin’ my shit!
(oh, and HI! Not dead! Sorry I haven’t been around!!)
Miss Britt’s last blog post..Yes, I’m A Sellout
3 Absurdist // Feb 7, 2008 at 7:47 am
Fab: Where’s all your wolfy hair then?
Britt: I laughed out loud and snorted when I read yours! I am glad you are back. I knew you were up to something. No worries!
4 Avitable // Feb 7, 2008 at 7:47 am
“Always have an ulterior motive.” - Mom
“Don’t sit in my goddamn chair.” -Dad
Avitable’s last blog post..Driving Miss Fucking Daisy
5 laughingattheslut // Feb 7, 2008 at 8:35 am
Something Stupid.
laughingattheslut’s last blog post..Most of this week sucks
6 bluepaintred // Feb 7, 2008 at 9:02 am
my folks told me things like “you were hatched” or “your brothers father is an alien I met during summer vacation”.
as a result, I never put much stock in what they said..
7 Dave2 // Feb 7, 2008 at 9:35 am
I think an “emergency” probably costs more than $20 now-a-days… might want to make that $50?
Dave2’s last blog post..Relate
8 Absurdist // Feb 7, 2008 at 10:06 am
Avi: So, your dad is Carroll O’Connor and your mom is , wait, MY MOTHER? Shit.
Slut: No wonder. I get it now.
BPR: Would you do an alien? Hm. interesting. It’s been a long time. If an alien knocked on my door right now…..
DaveII: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I got another comment from you!!!!! You seriously just made my day dude. And a blow job does NOT constitute an emergency, so I think you can get away with $45.
9 Robin // Feb 7, 2008 at 11:11 am
Oh my thighs have always touched and I always desperately wished they hadn’t. Even when I was a size 4 they touched so I suppose I’m doomed.
I actually didn’t know about the peeing thing, my mom didn’t teach me shit. I am going to do that now because I always get them.
Robin’s last blog post..A Mug Says Love
10 Robin // Feb 7, 2008 at 11:12 am
I meant to subscribe dang it.
Robin’s last blog post..A Mug Says Love
11 Absurdist // Feb 7, 2008 at 11:16 am
Robin, you’re killing me. You’re having such a bad day sweetie.
Actually, can you imagine being 15 years old, living with your dad, and he says, “Chelle, whenever you have sex with a man, be sure to pee right afterward to keep from getting a bladder infection. The penis pushes against the bladder and pushes urine up and it can get infected and cause an infection.”
I am all like, “Uh, yeah, thanks dad. I am going to go take a REALLY HOT shower now.”
15 YEARS OLD. Best advice I ever got.
12 Robin // Feb 7, 2008 at 11:39 am
That’s awesome. My mom didn’t even tell me anything about getting my period. That was confusing.
Robin’s last blog post..A Mug Says Love
13 laughingattheslut // Feb 7, 2008 at 1:17 pm
Maybe I misunderstood.
Aren’t all the newbies supposed to write “Something Stupid”
I actually came here to write something, but I saw the something stupid bit and thought it was funny, and then I forgot whatever it was I was originally going to write.
laughingattheslut’s last blog post..Most of this week sucks
14 metalmom // Feb 7, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Mom: Swallow. Waste not want not. (I must clarify that she was piss drunk at the time!)
Dad: There’s always a getaway car parked at my house.
metalmom’s last blog post..Toon In
15 metalmom // Feb 7, 2008 at 3:53 pm
PS Tomorrow is FRIDAY!
metalmom’s last blog post..Toon In
16 Wayne // Feb 7, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Mom: You can do anything you set your mind to.
Dad: Son, I’m proud of you.
–
Now I think I need to add something like ‘gee willickers, Wally, you sure are depressing. Anyone want to split a milk shake or a soda?’
–
When my wife and I were expecting our son Jaden in 2001, we got a small 4″x5″ or so empty notepad with each page being a different color. Then we got some crayons. Then we passed this notepad around to everyone we knew and asked them to pick the best single piece of advice they could think of, pick a page, and then write it in crayon. We ended up with quite a book after a while. We gave it to this one friend of ours and he said he couldn’t think of anything at the time so he asked to borrow it and return it the next week.
We haven’t seen it since.
(Pause)
I wish someone had given me advice not to let that person have such a valuable possession.
Wayne’s last blog post..Guess the movie and Pay It Forward
17 Absurdist // Feb 8, 2008 at 8:06 am
I apologize to all for my latency in replying to your comments. I blame:
1. My fucking groomer
2. Having to tally, compare and average all of the judges’ ratings for the caption contest.
Anyhoo:
Robin: I am really sorry to hear that. My mom screamed and hit me because I started my period while I was with my dad and my dad’s girlfriend. Go figure.
MM: You always say something stupid, so I think you did okay.
MM: My brother and his car were my getaway! My mom was always drunk too… Cunt.
MM: THANK GOD it’s friday. I am so tired of listening to fucking Indians on the phone. Two days’ reprieve!
Wayne: Why do you always ruin something good with some kind of happy family shit? Yeah, we all know. You had this fantastic childhood with supportive parents. You suck. We don’t want to hear about it.
Come on man. You know you want to say something!