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In every negotation that we make with our parents, there is always a catch. At least, in my family. Are you offered something? Beware the sacrifice you are going to have to make. You will always have to give much more than you are offered.
I never should have accepted any assistance. I knew that there would be repercussions. I guess the repercussions could have been worse. Some time ago, I wrote a blog about my mother. It was not libel. It was an important statement that I had to make because I had been hiding her past to facilitate her professional endeavors and her social status, and it was to my detriment. I was tired of keeping secrets, and it was time for me to stand up for myself. I have every right.
After receiving assistance, out of sheer, dumb luck, my mother found a google search entry regarding my blog. Interesting that it was out there. But nonetheless, it was. Therefore, out of “respect” for the fact that she just assisted me monetarily, I deleted the entry.
It may not sound like a big deal to you, but I have had to cover for this women my entire life; or at least, since I was seven years old. I felt tremendous shame, like the secrets and what happened were my fault. If you asked her, she would tell me that it was my fault too. Those are her beliefs. I am not sure how responsible a child can be for getting the shit beat out of her physically and verbally on a daily basis.
I had a very interesting experience recently. In the past, I have heard of people dealing with childhood trauma re-experiencing any injuries that might have occurred when they were children. Bruises, knots, pain. I have been having issues with bruises, large bruises, all over my legs for two years. I attributed it to low blood iron. About a month ago, I was meditating, and I was expressing a lot of pain over my childhood. I was specifically focusing on the way that I was hit all over my legs each day by a brush, boar bristle to the skin. I had a realization at that moment in time. It was possible that my bruises were a reminder of what happened when I was a child, and that my body was trying to get my attention. I spent a considerable amount of time expressing the fear, pain and anger for that particular scenario in my life. Since I expressed that emotional pain, I have not had a single bruise on my body. It was not my blood iron; it was indeed my body trying to get my attention that I was in great emotional pain, and that I needed to express it.
Funny how those things happen; they seem like extraordinary things that people have a hard time believing, but I have seen it quite a bit before.
I am thirty-five years old, and my mother continues to force shame and guilt on me for her past. She honestly believes that my brother and I lie, and that we have concocted the same stories. As you can imagine, when you don’t know what’s going on, always ask the children. They won’t lie to you. But for my mother, we are the ultimate liars. She will never take responsbility for her behavior; she will never stop attempting to blame us and deny all which has happened.
She is an unhappy, unfortunate and mean person, but there are always consequences with her for assistance. She could have been meaner to me about the situation, but she was not. What she could have done was come clean; saying, I know that it’s true, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t broadcast it to the world.
So now, I am again chained to my mother, required to do what she wants whenever she wants me to. I had a choice, but it wasn’t a choice that would keep me from living in my car. It was either live in my car, or get assistance from her; even if it’s at 6% interest with a long-term payback period.
Do your parents make you pay prime+1 for loans? Just wondering.
16 responses so far ↓
1 Topncal // Feb 11, 2008 at 1:24 am
The whole situation sounds bad, but prime + 1 from a family from your mother that is just a step to far. Hang in there.
Topncal’s last blog post..iPhone Sucks, Twitter, and My Career as a Cockblocker
2 Absurdist // Feb 11, 2008 at 4:38 am
Yeah. It’s a long term loan though. I would have charged principle + inflation rate, but she could invest the money in stocks and make at least 12%, so I guess that’s fair.
We’ll see if she reads the post today. I told her that if she really wants to know how I feel about the situation, to come out and read today’s post. She’s never read a blog before though, and probably doesn’t know how to read comments.
3 Mr. Fabulous // Feb 11, 2008 at 5:22 am
So…there is a chance she will read this? Would you rather I take my offer to have her whacked offline so she can’t see it?
We’ll talk.
Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..Because you need to know what to expect?
4 laughingattheslut // Feb 11, 2008 at 6:41 am
My mom loans us money all of the time, if there’s a good reason, no interest. We still owe her three thousand dollars over some idiot thing my husband did, and he doesn’t seem in any hurry to pay her back, so I won’t ask her for anymore. And right before that she was going to loan us over six thousand dollars to help with moving, but then after we moved she said she was just giving me the money. Dad had died the year before, and she was in “you can’t take it with you” mode.
Anyway, she said that she shouldn’t do stuff like that anymore, cause we’ll never learn to deal with our own problems.
I hope that my mom never finds my blog.
laughingattheslut’s last blog post..Freaky Friday
5 Absurdist // Feb 11, 2008 at 7:35 am
Fab: Having her whacked is enticing, but I would rather her live out her life in misery. Much more enjoyable and torturous.
Slut: My dad is awesome. He funded me when I started consulting, and forgave me my loan for Xmas. And, he backed my car loan and consolidation loan after my last divorce. I would have paid them off completely this August, but my dad just paid them off for me due to financial hardship. Isn’t he awesome?!
I have a feeling that someone sent that link to my mother, because I don’t even think that my mother knows what google is…
6 Wayne // Feb 11, 2008 at 8:07 am
Yay! I’m the top commenter!
Wait, what was the topic? Oh yeah. (shamed) sorry.
Right about now, I’d kill for a prime+1 loan. Oh wait, that sounds really really bad. (shamed) sorry.
Srsly tho, maybe you combine your writing gift with the expression of this pain? A book?
Wayne’s last blog post..Stuff you don’t want to MISC, #33
7 Poppy // Feb 11, 2008 at 8:33 am
No.
Being chained to your mother is a choice. Choose differently. Just do that.
Suddenly my dad has done a 180 and has decided he accepts me the way I am. You know how I did that? I had an honest talk with him at a restaurant then told him I was disappearing from his life until January, which is exactly what I did. I then visited him last weekend and now he and I have a workable relationship.
I know things are way too far gone between you and your mom for this to be the case. I know that. I’m just sharing that sometimes it can happen that a parent can change. But, not your mom. She won’t change. Stop accepting her toxicity into your life. You will NEVER be happy as long as you do.
8 Absurdist // Feb 11, 2008 at 8:55 am
Wayne: pfffthw.
Poppy: I should have been a little more specific. She TRIES to impose guilt and so forth on me, but I do not allow her to do so. Trust me; I do put up my boundaries. I don’t allow her to victimize me anymore.
I did feel badly that it had her name in it, but she knows what my brother and I think and what really happened. I usually have very little to do with her. She got on an anti-depressant (halleluia!) and also did a 180. She was extremely pleasant to be around while she was up for her CPA thingy.
She could have been a lot shittier to me about the google find, but she wasn’t. All she did was ask me to “remove it from google”. LOL. She didn’t say a word about the content, but she probably didn’t know how to get to it, since I suppose someone sent that to her. So, I gotta give her props for not getting on me about the content. Even if she didn’t get a chance to read it, she knows what was in it.
And in my mother’s own “special” way, that’s her way of at least attempting to indicate that what we experienced was reality, at least in her mind.
9 the108 // Feb 11, 2008 at 9:57 am
I haven’t borrowed money from my parents because they are completely unapproachable and would never, ever let me live it down. But I empathize with your post and relate heavily to the great majority of it. I had a really rough start and my family was extremely abusive. I finally escaped it when my dad beat me into a coma and I was placed in foster care straight from the hospital a month after. I hopped around foster care for a few years and then was adopted into a fairly wealthy family that was just as bad because they were so mean, critical and demeaning. By sixteen, I couldn’t deal with it anymore and I hitchhiked from Ohio to Florida to start over, which I did. Now, I go to therapy to deal with my demons. I had been diagnosed with bipolor disorder as a teen and was medicated with everything under the sun for it… Lithium, Wellbutrin, Depakote, Desiprimene, Zoloft, Paxil… and just for good measure they put me on Dexidrine and Ambien when the dexidrine kept me up all night. I got off the drugs when I left home and now I’m on Zoloft for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Seroquel for depression and sleep. And, I haven’t spoken with my family in years because they were bad for my soul.
My shrink said to get rid of the negative even if it meant removing my family from the equasion. This seems to help immensely. Also… write about it if it upsets you! You may owe her money but that’s about it, in my opinion. That’s a business deal… you write and talk about whatever you need to and don’t for a second put her feelings or needs ahead of your own.
Hugs to you… I know how hard it is.
10 Absurdist // Feb 11, 2008 at 10:03 am
108: You and I are peas in a pod, except that your original upbringing was horrific… You really need to write a book. I imagine you have thought about it.
You and I are identical in the bipolar front. Been on every medication, blah blah. Don’t have OCD. I don’t like Seroquel cuz it makes me eat like a madman. But it is good for sleep.
Just so you know: You are probably like me. You can spot a bipolar with your ears plugged, your hands tied behind your back and blindfolded. I could tell you were just like me from the getgo last night on the show.
Sexual awareness, heightened sexuality and REALLY bizarre dreams are part of our lives… I am sure you and I could share dream stories and freak each other out!
11 the108 // Feb 11, 2008 at 10:54 am
This is all very true…LOL. You know what’s funny? I could care less about the horrific beginning but the rest of it haunts me. I hate that these assholes have managed to have me living with so much shame and regret. I would love so badly to think I was stronger than allowing myself to be feeling that way but the truth is, I’m not. The best thing for me, honestly, was getting the fuck out so I don’t have to hear it so much. Now, I’m better but my mother is still a whispering voice in my head from time to time. God, I can’t wait until she kicks the bucket.
12 Epiphany // Feb 11, 2008 at 10:58 am
Good for you that you don’t have much to do with her anymore. It’s always made me so mad that some people think it’s inherently “wrong” to shut a family member out of your life. My mother has a sister we don’t associate with anymore, and when I tell anyone that I always get the same answers…”oh, that’s a shame” or “oh but she’s your aunt!”
It’s like…yes, she’s my aunt. She’s also a completely toxic person who long ago stopped bringing anything but grief to myself and my immediate family. Why should I lay down and be her doormat repeatedly just because she’s a blood relation? The answer, for me, is that I shouldn’t. Someone being a family member, even your mother, doesn’t give them leave to make you miserable. I’m glad to hear you’re not letting her do that anymore.
Epiphany’s last blog post..Friday Freewrite # 1 (for me anyway)
13 Avitable // Feb 11, 2008 at 3:40 pm
I’ve never borrowed from my parents, but we borrowed the down payment for our house from my grandparents and set up a 5% interest amortization schedule to pay it back over 5 years. My family’s very official like that, and I like that because it makes it more likely that the money will be repaid.
Avitable’s last blog post..Fryday
14 Absurdist // Feb 11, 2008 at 3:44 pm
Kyra: It’s when I set boundaries with my mother that she decides not to communicate with me anymore. I have a joke that my mother has six rotating wills, and based upon a whim, she will call up her attorney and tell him which to switch to.
Avi: It would be fine if my mother didn’t act like our family was the mafia and say things like, “RESPECT, LOYALTY, that’s all I demand of you.” Paying her back isn’t an issue. Even the interest rate isn’t an issue. It’s her holding it over our heads and being a real bitch about it, thinking that she has a right to control our lives because she went of her way to help us that drives me nuts. But my mother is truly a real nut job. I mean, REALLY batshit crazy. This is NOTHING. Wayne can attest to her insanity…
15 Avitable // Feb 11, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Yeah, the lording it over someone is the biggest problem with borrowing from family. My mother would probably be very similar.
Avitable’s last blog post..Fryday
16 Epiphany // Feb 11, 2008 at 4:25 pm
It’s sad, really. I mean it seems like she’s so afraid you’ll stop needing her that she enjoys having these strangleholds over you. Given what you said about your history and the way she’s handled it (or rather, not handled it) my guess is she’s scared you’ll decide you don’t want to deal with her AT ALL anymore. That’d also hold with the situation when you were a kid…she’s too scared to admit something happened, so she denies it. In my experience, people in denial are often the most frightened. They’re afraid of reality, among other things.
The unfortunate part is…seeing how sad it is doesn’t make the person any less infuriating to deal with
Epiphany’s last blog post..Friday Freewrite # 1 (for me anyway)
Come on man. You know you want to say something!