The Woman Code Revisited
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Before I get on with The Woman Code Revisited, yall please don’t forget to go over to Blog Ninja’s Mystery Topic Challenge writing contest.
Please visit the Mystery Topic Challenge Blog to view all of the other entries. Once you’ve read them all, please be sure to vote HERE in the Sidebar for your favorite.
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Since Wayne apparently missed the woman code and forgot why women don’t poop in public restrooms unless it is an emergency, I am reposting the woman code.
The Official Woman’s Code Revealed
- If your girlfriend is pissed at her boyfriend, you are required to rag on him with her on the phone, regardless of what you believe.
- When your girlfriend goes back to her jackass boyfriend, you are required to reneg on all ragging and tell her how great they are together.
- When your friend calls you to gab, you are required to stay on the phone for a minimum of one hour, if the conversation goes that long (which is 99% of the time).
- If another woman starts her period at work, you are required to offer up any tampons you have, even if she is your worst enemy.
- You are not allowed to confront the slut at work about the way she dresses or which coworker(s) she sleeps with. You are, however, required to talk about her behind her back with your female coworkers about what a whore she is, who she is sleeping with, and how skanky she is compared to the rest of you. You must also spread rumors about her.
- You will always be allowed to show cleavage at work, and when your male coworker keeps staring at your boobs, you must say “hey, up here buddy!” while point at your eyes.
- You must always come up with something that you need your boyfriend to do for you, even if you can do it yourself, so that he feels “needed”.
- You must always make your boyfriend think that all things are his idea in order to maintain the illusion that the relationship is within his control.
- You are required by law to learn how to fake an orgasm such that no man will ever know the difference.
- You must always tell a man how incredible he is in bed, even if it lasted ten seconds and he has a dick the size of a small sweet gerkin pickle.
- You must always hide the chocolate that you eat en masse somewhere in the closet, lest your man find it and think that you are a pig.
- You must never go number 2 in public unless it is a dire emergency.
- If there is a number 2 emergency, you must use the last stall in the bathroom. You are not allowed to make any noise when anyone else is in the bathroom, and you will wait until the bathroom is clear to finish or do your business.
- If at all possible, you will go to another floor in your building at work to go number 2 in case of an emergency, so that no one will know it is you, as they do not know who you are.
- You must cock block if your friend is totally plastered and is about to go home with a total ‘tard.
- You are NEVER required to play “wingman” to the ugly guy if your friend wants to hook up with the cute one. In fact, you are better off walking away so that she can talk to the cute guy, and hide as best as possible from his ugly “wingman”.
- You do not have to go home with the girls when you go to a bar with them. But you MUST have a system of communication in the event that you do leave with another man so that she knows you weren’t murdered.
- Dancing like lipstick lesbians on the dancefloor when you are drunk is okay, no matter what you look like.
- You must always tell your girlfriends how awesome they look, even if they look like shit. You are, however, allowed to tell them that they should go with outfit X instead of outfit Y, but never why if the reason is that they look fat in one over the other.
- You are required to stroke your friend’s ego about how she looks, because she will always have been devastated by some jerk telling her how fat she is, or how stupid she is, or some other horrific thing.
- If your friend cries, you are fully obligated to listen to everything she says completely, no matter how stupid it is.
- Your friends are allowed to drop by at any time unannounced.
- You must always take at least one other woman to the bathroom with you when you are on a date. And you must go to the bathroom within ten minutes of meeting two guys when you are out to discuss them and decide which one is whose.
- You must always share makeup with your best girlfriend in the bathroom when you are out at a bar and you are both primping.
- Your girlfriend will always know where everything is in your house.
- Your girlfriend will always know every sordid detail about your sex life. Women speak in specifics, where men speak in generalities. Sorry men; we know exactly how you touch, exactly how you give oral sex, the exact size of your penis, exactly how many times she has faked it with you, how you compare to every other man she has been with, every physical flaw you have, and everything that is good about you.
- You are required to watch “Beaches” once in your life.
- You must always make fun of all the women around you with your friend when you are out. Especially what they are wearing and how they look in it.
- You will NEVER go out with your friend’s ex-boyfriend. Even if she says it’s okay. NEVER.
- When your friend thinks she is pregnant, you must go to the store with her, buy the pregnancy test with her, stay with her while she takes the test, and hold her while she cries. You are then sworn to secrecy and must oblige regarding the results. You must then leave and tell your friends the results, and make them swear that they will tell no one.
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Tags: Things that make you go hmm....
20 responses so far ↓
1 the108 // Feb 12, 2008 at 12:12 am
Um. Every single word of this is true. Spot on!
2 Mr. Fabulous // Feb 12, 2008 at 4:35 am
Wow…having a relationship with a woman is a lot of work. That’s why I visit hookers.
Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..Slip slidin? away?
3 Topncal // Feb 12, 2008 at 5:55 am
Do you really think men care if you fake an orgasm or not? Men are just grateful to not be at home jerking on to the same porno for the 143 time this week.
Topncal’s last blog post..Fat Tuesday 2008
4 laughingattheslut // Feb 12, 2008 at 6:00 am
Okay, so sometimes I have hormone problems, and the guy described in number 10 would be appreciated.
How do I go about meeting him?
I can’t very well advertise for something like that. No one admits to being the guy in the Domino’s Pizza comercial.
laughingattheslut’s last blog post..Monday Morons–Why am I wasting my valuable class time?
5 Robin // Feb 12, 2008 at 7:42 am
Ok, now I’m so glad I’m not a lesbian.
Robin’s last blog post..Vermont 2008
6 Absurdist // Feb 12, 2008 at 8:14 am
Kyra, isn’t it the truth? And isn’t it weird that no one ever sat us down and taught us the rules? Just goes to show you how impressionable we are just by paying attention.
Mr. Fab: The good news is that many of these don’t even remotely affect men in the least. Unless you are worried about your penis size. Hookers are okay, but I would stick with high-end call girls. I have been known to give it away for free just for dinner. Well that, and it’s been A LONG time. Actually, I probably give it up way too often, but it’s only because I NEEEEEDDDD sex. I am 35, and yes, Virginia, there is indeed such a thing as a sexual peak at 35.
Slut: My recommendation is “asking for the quickie”. That way, he won’t feel badly about coming really fast, and will think that he has given you what you want. As for the dominos guy, I don’t know about you, but my dominos guys are fuuuugggggllllyyyy. But any guy that comes over to oversee the work on my house (we use mexicans for REAL work here in Texas) are usually hot. But they are usually married too. And they have a habit of showing up when I look like total hell and have no bra on.
Robin, I hate to say this, but if you were a lesbian, the same rules would apply…
But I assume by saying you are glad you are not a lesbian that you are “with” the rules above? Except the official poopy at 9 a.m. every day? 
7 Robin // Feb 12, 2008 at 8:18 am
Well I don’t have any rules and I won’t deal with women for the most part so this really doesn’t apply to me. I have my own rules that I still break whenever I can.
Robin’s last blog post..Vermont 2008
8 Absurdist // Feb 12, 2008 at 8:22 am
HERETIC! HERETIC! Girls, it’s time for a burning!!!!
9 Preposterous Ponderings // Feb 12, 2008 at 10:52 am
Word up sista!
These are all so true.Love it! ha ha
10 Christine // Feb 12, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Wow…girl code right on! As far as with the parents thing…..totally understand. except in my situation it took my husband pointing it out to me for me to see.sad.
11 Epiphany // Feb 12, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Okay I have an honest question here. Rule #9…what’s the point? That’s like…like…pretending the food was good at a restaurant to keep the chef’s feelings from getting hurt. If you lie about it then it’s never going to get any better, is it? I guess I just always thought it was stupid. And for the record, I’ve never done it. *swears on a stack of bibles or pentagrams or whatever*
Epiphany’s last blog post..Friday Freewrite # 1 (for me anyway)
12 the108 // Feb 12, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I’m good at being a girlfriend. I will always bash ex boyfriends or take you to planned parenthood no matter how many times it’s needed. Then, afterwards, we can eat ice cream.
13 laughingattheslut // Feb 12, 2008 at 2:32 pm
I haven’t done number nine for real, in bed.
However, I have done part of the When Harry Met Sally restaurant scene in front of a couple hundred people.
laughingattheslut’s last blog post..My husband is lame
14 Avitable // Feb 12, 2008 at 2:58 pm
Shit.
I think I’m a woman.
Avitable’s last blog post..An Open Letter
15 Absurdist // Feb 12, 2008 at 4:11 pm
PP: yea! Get the torches!
Piph: Sometimes I do it just to get them off of me. When it’s clear that I am not going to have an orgasm, either because they suck or because my mind wanders (mostly the latter), I just fake it so they will finish up quickly.
Kyra: Amen sister. These ARE the rules!
Slut: Seriously? You orgasm every time? There have been many times I haven’t, and I just tell the guy that my mind is preoccupied, which is usually the truth. I have a hard time concentrating; it’s like my mind goes to the grocery store or shopping.
Avi: You fake ‘em too, huh? No wonder Amy is always on the road.
16 laughingattheslut // Feb 12, 2008 at 4:28 pm
I didn’t say that I had an orgasm every time. I just don’t bother lying about it or faking it. I think someone has already mentioned that they don’t learn anything that way.
And having sex with a man is a lot of work if you’re just after an orgasm. I can’t speak to having sex with another woman. But just an orgasm is probably easier by yourself.
laughingattheslut’s last blog post..My husband is lame
17 Absurdist // Feb 12, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Slut:
I am with you. I usually can only orgasm through oral and stimulation. But I was with this guy who, despite any assistance medication, could not get it up. I begged him to go to the doctor, but he wouldn’t, saying he was the one that was suffering from the issue, not me.
I told him that was not true; that it’s not about the orgasm for a woman; it’s about the closeness and feeling him inside of me that creates that “thing” that women need out of sex. You are right; I can have a better orgasm by myself. For me, it’s about human touch.
18 laughingattheslut // Feb 12, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Your guy might not even need to go to the doctor. He might just need some oral and a ring. Sometimes they even sell them at Walmarts.
That is, they sometimes sell rubber rings in the condom section, not oral.
laughingattheslut’s last blog post..My husband is lame
19 Epiphany // Feb 12, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Oh….ow. The mental image you just put in my head is going to last a lifetime. Walmart…should never be mentioned on the same planet as sex, oral or otherwise…
*twitch*
Epiphany’s last blog post..Friday Freewrite # 1 (for me anyway)
20 Wayne // Feb 17, 2008 at 4:39 am
If anyone cares, I would like to clarify “for the record” that I did NOT ask Abs “why don’t women poop in public” nor did I ever “know” that “women don’t poop in public” so therefore could not have “forgotten” why women “don’t poop in public” and I can never run out of “quotation marks” so don’t even think for a moment I might run out.
I did, once, however, ask Abs, the owner of this blog, if I could, if it was ok, use a lot of commas. She said fine, whatever, stop asking, dork.
After I finished THAT question, I then asked “Why don’t YOU poop in public” because I thought it was something specific to her since she had mentioned it on a blog comment and I’d never heard of such a thing. In fact, I have a pretty good view of the bathroom doors at work and happen to know for a fact that the wimmens go in there and, get this - they SIT DOWN TO DO THEIR BUSINESS at least 70% of the time. Probably more. Plus they take a LONG TIME. Oh, and they’re always spraying some air freshener or fahrvenfebreezen or something to make the room smell nicer. Plus, one night the Janitor told me that the women’s bathroom runs out of toilet paper like you wouldn’t believe. You tell ME how one and one doesn’t add up to number two.
So I’d appreciate it if you didn’t lump the whole world in with your phobias or rules or codes because clearly, it’s not a global woman thing. Besides, I thought women didn’t like lumps.
Wayne’s last blog post..Give a little bit?
Come on man. You know you want to say something!