Many of you will balk at me; many of you will make fun of me. But my first experience sitting on a jury couldn’t have been worse. I didn’t get the pleasure of sitting on a civil trial; I got the distinct pleasure of sitting on a trial involving manslaughter.
I have never been called for jury duty before, and I just KNEW I was going to get on a jury panel. Reason being, I was potential juror #21, and as we were going through voir dire, we counted at least 8 exclusions trying to get out of jury duty. So, it was a done deal. I probably was a good choice anyway, because I am impartial, to say the least.
The jurors selected for this trial are really awesome people. I couldn’t have asked for a greater group of people to hang out with for a short period of time. Super nice, very amenable. 7 men, 5 women. Lunches were great; we had a lot of fun.
We were the perfect jurors; we listened to the evidence, didn’t get to take any damned notes (only civil can you take notes in), didn’t look at the defendant or anyone in the room, and all of us really did pay attention. I think we were all so surprised to be in a criminal court for manslaughter that we felt seriously compelled to listen than to not care.
It was a seriously trumped up charge against a guy who drove down a very disturbing and dangerous intersection that everyone knows is completely marked wrong, and missed a stop sign. He blew into a freeway side road, and hit a motorcycle. The motorcycle guy died.
They charged him with manslaughter and a lesser charge of criminally negligent homicide. We watched videos, got to see lots of gross pictures, got to hear lots of testimony, but in the end, here’s the weirdness of it all.
We deliberated for three hours. Our first round, we had 11 guilty and 1 not guilty. At the end, we had 12 not guilty. We realized, after pouring over the documents, that the prosecution actually MADE the case for the defendant. It’s not that they just didn’t meet their burden of proof (they were damned close though), but they actually proved that the man should be not guilty based upon their key witness testimony. You wouldn’t have realized it until we poured over the schematics of where the cars were, etc, but that’s when we realized it. You see, we didn’t believe the testimony of the defendant. It was different than the testimony he gave on the scene. We went with his testimony he gave on the scene. Had we believed his testimony he gave on the stand, we would have charged him with criminally negligent homicide because of his version of the truth. But, because we believed the state’s key witnesses, we actually found him not guilty.
We were prudent, we were not emotional, we considered only the verdict and not the punishment (which is another phase), no one blinked at the horrific photographs, and we were all practical.
As we all left the building after rendering the verdict, we all felt sick to our stomach. Not because we had chosen wrong; but because there were no winners. The emotions of the trial (I guess the stress) had gotten to each one of us from having to deliberate without any emotion whatsoever.
We were finally able to consider the loss of life for the family; the potential loss of another son to prison; the fact that, no matter what verdict we gave, there were no winners. I sat in my car and cried. And cried and cried and cried.
Yesterday, I felt so awful I stayed the whole day in bed. I couldn’t get the dead guy’s family out of my mind. I couldn’t get the defendant out of my mind. For some reason, my mind wanted to find a way that would have made everything okay. But it would not. So here I was, bound to a situation I never wanted to be bound to; I was a part of a man’s destiny; let him go or put him in jail.
I never want to be a part of a criminal jury again. I called my dad (a previous district judge, and this was tried in district court), and gave him all the evidence. He said that, based upon the evidence provided, we make the correct decision based upon the definition of the laws we were provided. He also stated that he could see immediately how the prosecution made the defendant’s case for him.
I felt better, but it couldn’t take away the feeling that I had some power over ruining the rest of someone’s life by putting them in jail. How could I do that? How could I walk away from any trial and be a part of putting someone in prison for any length of time, no matter what they did? I would have to live the rest of my life with that. Please understand that had nothing to do with the verdict that we came back with. These are the feelings that came out after the fact.
If you ever have a chance to serve on a jury, pray that it is a civil case, and not a criminal case. My dad said, Michelle, you could have been on a rape and beating charge. It would have been just as bad. He said that there is nothing good about sitting on a jury in a criminal case.
All I know is that I feel like a part of my innocence has been shattered, and I can’t get it back, and I can’t shake it off.
17 responses so far ↓
1 Finn // May 22, 2008 at 12:13 pm
You are exactly the kind of person that should have been on a jury like that. I know it’s hard, and I know it changed you, but you should be proud of yourself. You kept a man out of jail who, by the looks of it, shouldn’t have been there. You did good.
And you’re right; there are no winners there. xo
Finns last blog post..Thursday Photo: Sun, Sun, Sun
2 Absurdist // May 22, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Thanks Finn. I am going through the motions of the day, like showering, getting ready and stuff (albeit a little late in the day), but you know what my biggest problem is? Please don’t laugh at me. I am looking for absolution from Robert, the gentleman that died.
3 Robin // May 22, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Wow, I’d never really heard from someone on a jury what it is like…sounds painful. I’m glad it was you, you are a very fair and honest person.
Robins last blog post..Protected: Get Yer Groove On
4 Penelope // May 22, 2008 at 1:33 pm
You did an incredible job writing this. I was literally hanging off every word.
I’m sorry you are feeling really shit now, Finn is absolutely right though - bravo that they chose you.
Penelopes last blog post..Did I just say that?
5 Mr. Fabulous // May 22, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Why would you think people would laugh at you? I’m proud of you.
Mr. Fabulouss last blog post..Sing, you bastards, sing!
6 Absurdist // May 22, 2008 at 2:43 pm
Robin: Thanks. Criminal trials suck. My dad said that they are the worst, and of course, he had to do a lot of capital murder trials when he was a district judge.
Penelope:
Thanks sweetie. I do feel like shit, but I decided today to go through the motions, and I am feeling better. I am going to go hang out with my vet tomorrow, and see if that helps.
Fab: Thanks. I figured that a lot of people would think it’s stupid to cry and feel so badly over just being a juror, and not really involved with what happened. I don’t know why it affected me so much; it just did, and I honestly didn’t think it wouldn’t. Now I know.
PS: I will catch up on blogs tonight.
7 Epiphany // May 22, 2008 at 2:58 pm
*hugs* I hope you’re feeling better. And I also hope, should I ever be in the situation where a jury of my peers decides my fate…that the jury is made up of people like you, who geniuinely care about doing the right thing.
As far as absolution goes…sometimes it’s harder when something like this happens and it really is nobody’s fault. However, if I was killed in a traffic accident that wasn’t the other person’s fault, I wouldn’t want them in jail just so someone could be in jail, you know?
Anyway yeah, hope you have an easier time of it in the coming days, a bit of time to unwind
Epiphanys last blog post..Ghost Story
8 laughingattheslut // May 22, 2008 at 3:03 pm
Of course you went through all of that and didn’t get to do one or two things that might have helped anything. You didn’t get to make anyone fix the signs that would have prevented the accident, and you didn’t get to make the responsible government agency pay anything to the victim’s family.
I hope that someone else is getting to do that. But people are idiots and the bad street signs are probably just as they were.
I had been called a few times, but I haven’t been on a jury yet. My husband had a very bad time of it the first time he was called, and if there is such a thing as a hostile juror, that would be me, and it probably shows. First time my husband was called he had a night job and couldn’t stay away when he was in court, and they wouldn’t listen to him and made him sit there anyway.
laughingatthesluts last blog post..Gardening
9 SwanShadow // May 22, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Count me in the Finn camp on this one, although I empathize with your emotional perspective. You did the right thing even when it didn’t feel right, and that’s the very definition of justice.
As for absolution from the decedent, you don’t need it. You didn’t kill him, nor did you allow anyone deserving of penalty for his death to escape without consequence. He could ask no more from you than you gave.
Chin up, buckaroo.
SwanShadows last blog post..Like Grant took Richmond
10 shiny // May 22, 2008 at 7:41 pm
I’m reminded of my Dad’s last stint on jury duty — a murder case which had been moved from its original location due to prejudicial reasons. It was a domestic dispute which ended very, very badly and involved the death of children. Really nasty stuff.
My dad was quite upset about having to see the prosecution flub up so badly that their case was nowhere near convincing. Ultimately it ended up with a mistrial, and the jury was excused.
My Dad immediately wrote a letter to the prosecuting attorney’s office — explaining in great detail what they did wrong and why the jury found the prosecution to lack credibility. That week he got a call requesting a meeting in person with the prosecution to help advise them. He probably would have stayed on as a consultant had they offered to pay him.
What you did was certainly not easy. And it took a lot of strength and (no pun intended) conviction to endure such a thing. I’m proud of you for having gone through it.
shinys last blog post..Telephonic Lament…
11 Absurdist // May 23, 2008 at 6:42 am
Oh, btw, I made a booboo. My dad wasn’t a district attorney; he was a district judge. I wasn’t thinking clearly when I wrote it.
Piph:
I keep thinking the same thing. I talked to my dad again last night, and he helped me. It’s hard, because a jury can only look at facts and make a decision. That’s it. There is nothing more they can do, even if they want to. It’s really hard, he says.
Slut:
You know what’s funny about that? My dad said (when I asked him why the hell they brought this to criminal court anyway) is one of two things:
1. someone has clout in the DA’s office
2. They wanted to find him criminally liable so the family can’t sue the state.
I think it was number 2. If I could find the Flores’ I wuold tell them that, but here in Dallas, there are thousands of Flores’.
Swan:
Thanks. I think I am getting there.
Shiny:
I have thought about doing that, since the prosecution made the defendant’s case. They did a good job, but they were confused on the verdict. I didn’t get much time to explain to the prosecutors what went wrong, because he only had a few minutes. I am going to find out their names and try to make an appointment with them.
12 Tug // May 23, 2008 at 11:22 am
Wow…that would be very tough. (Add me to the “what Finn said” list). When my brother was killed, my parents refused to press charges - they could not see what good it would do to ruin another family’s life as well as theirs seeing as it was not purposeful. I hope that I would have their strength.
You did an awesome job; I hope things ease with time.
Tugs last blog post..All I need are some ruby red shoes and a dog named Toto
13 whall // May 23, 2008 at 6:31 pm
I’ve not been on a jury yet in my life - probably because I’m a pro-second amendment, pro-death penalty republican.
I have been impaneled though. It hurt like a mofo.
whalls last blog post..Quick: Have you seen your photo?
14 Nat // May 23, 2008 at 7:38 pm
Sounds like you made the right verdict.
In journalism school, I had an internship with the major daily newspaper. As one of the few French speakers in the newsroom, I ended up reporting on this case of man who’d murdered this woman. He’d abused his wife, and all this came out during the trial… it was just one day, but it haunts me still.
I like to say I came to peace with what I heard that day (and the things we didn’t and couldn’t report.) But in the end, I guess I left just a little more jaded. I hope this means we are deeper than just the facts but who knows really.
Nats last blog post..Cool enough for CBC
15 hellohahanarf // May 26, 2008 at 11:02 am
thankfully i have only had jury duty civil court. i loved it both times. but again, it makes such a difference to deal with criminal court. uggggh.
hellohahanarfs last blog post..What We Have
16 Preposterous Ponderings // May 29, 2008 at 2:53 pm
You did what you had to and you made it through. You will learn from it.
Preposterous Ponderingss last blog post..Squawker
17 Shelli // Jun 6, 2008 at 2:29 am
I have never been on a jury, but I can totally understand what you are saying. I have heard that those emotions are common after one sits on a jury. You did the right thing. Let it go and get some peace. A guilty verdict would not have brought back their loved one.
Shellis last blog post..Mosaic-ly Me
Come on man. You know you want to say something!