Yes, that’s right! She’s baaaaaaack! Thank you, thank you. I love you too.

You can sit down now. No, seriously. Sit the fuck down.

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While I was gone, some really messed up shit went on in my blog. I thought my blog friends were weird, but I had no idea how much.

On Monday, there was Fab. He had the audacity to challenge my absurdity status. Bastard.

Tuesday brought Wayne. Yeah, I know. I was reaching.

Thank GOD Wednesday came around. Poppy spent an entire LIFETIME putting together this totally awesome video about my obsession with pink; but truth be told, I think that bitch has more pink than me!

Thursday, my BBF (Best Blog Friend) Robin paid homage to our friendship and how it all began. I am going to have to kill her now for revealing that information. Bitch.

And who wouldn’t want to end their work week with the biggest whore on the internet Kyra who decided to get all lazy and shit and ask me some questions (not to mention that she is a SHITTY speller).

So, I don’t think I will be leaving my blog up for grabs anymore, after these weirdos ruined my entire 10 person fan-base!

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So, the REAL Absurdist is back, and better than ever. Get ready for drama, sarcasm, libel, and outright lies from here on out!

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Now, on to the answer to Kyra’s questions:

1. Should you ever find yourself in the ownership of a donkey, what would you do with it?

Well now, I think we ALL know what I would do with a donkey. I mean, I have talked about it many times before, right? Mmmm, the way a Donkey tastes, how slippery his meat is, how incredible his meat smells. I want to suck on that meat all day long. Tender in the right spots, harder in others, just the right texture. And after swallowing the contents of that meat, your stomach feels satisfied all day long. All of that protein, just sliding down my throat (gets shivers). Man, I want me some donkey meat now!

2. What’s the creepiest thing you’ve ever done with your Barbie Dolls?

I think the more appropriate question is “What’s the creepiest thing that my Barbie Dolls have done to me?”. Ken, Barbie and her sister really had it out for me. Growing up, they teased me endlessly about how fat I was. They were so mean to me about being a dork. One night, they decided to play a joke on me, and it ended in two trips to the hospital, a garbage can fire, some pliers, a Doberman, a shotgun and a large knife. The judge court-ordered me not to talk about the specifics.

3. Name a cartoon character you’d have “relations” with.

Is it me, or is this a creepy question? First, in order to have sex with a cartoon, it would require a hell of an imagination. It would also require me to suspend disbelief and alter my understanding of reality. The psychological ramifications of even imagining this scenario are seriously dangerous, and can push anyone into a schizophrenic state, living in a completely different universe. Thank you, but no thank you.

4. Which type of accent do you find sexiest?

This is easy. Hands down, Klingon. Second is Ferengi.

5. When purchasing scented candles, what is your odor of choice?

Ass sweat.

6. If you could pick two famous people to be your parents who would you choose and why?

Joan Crawford; I could sue her ass for millions for beating me with a coathanger.

Rue Paul; I really needed someone in my life to teach me how to be feminine, apply makeup, use my feminine wiles, and how to love men.

7. What is a bad habit you have?

See Robin’s confession.

8. Do you like your handwriting?

I am not very partial to my hand writing on its own. When my hand writes by itself, it freaks me the fuck out. What I REALLY hate is when I wake from a seeming nap, and I have instead written in my journal. Zack, my paranormal entity that lives with me in my house LOVES to play tricks on me by taking over and writing some fucked up shit.

9. If you could portray a famous person in a movie, who would you choose and why?

I AM a famous person in a movie. It’s called “The Life of the Absurdist”. I am the main character. My character is beautiful, perky, sexual, hot, smart, sarcastic and funny.  It’s a great piece of fiction.

10. Did it hurt? When you fell from Heaven?

A little bit. It was a long fall. I couldn’t breathe in the upper atmosphere, and the lack of density almost caused me to explode. Michael gave me a special suit to wear, but that motherfucker gave me a used one with a fucking hole in it. So, of course, as I descended, I was freezing my ASS off. There was SUPPOSED to be wings/parachute on the damned thing, but it didn’t work. I think he did that on purpose, because I know he packed the wings into the bag himself. He has had it out for me since day 1. You know, when there was light. Motherfucker.

11. Robin wants to know “When did you realize you would not be the next Celine Dion?”

Hm, great question. I think that when I looked at my nose and realized that I could never compare to the GIANT schnoz she has, and that it could never allow me to belt out that nasaly voice, second only to Babs, I realized that I wouldn’t be able to rape Las Vegas with a long-running, seemingly classy 2-year-long show.

Wayne wants me to answer the following questions:

A. What’s your favorite letter?

The one that my first husband wrote to me about being a great Navy wife. I look good in blue.

B. What’s your favorite word that starts with that letter?

I think that letter started with “You”.

C. Who’s your favorite artist who starts with that letter?

My favorite artist has no name. His name is a mixture of silent K’s, the number 3, and puce.

Wayne made some other comment, but I didn’t understand a fucking word of it.

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Well, I know you are all relieved that I am back, and that you don’t have to read those other jerks on my blog anymore. I know you missed me, tried to slit your wrists while I was gone, and were forced to drink Pepsi. I am back, and all is right with the world. Or is it?