I am not sure if you know, but Mother’s Day is this Sunday. Of course, if you have been watching TV at all, there is no way you could have missed this fact.

I am very disappointed with the consumer guilt market, otherwise known as “made-up-holiday-for additional-sales” market. The retail stores from which we have to choose Mother’s Day gifts only reflect one type of mother. And, as we all know, the type of mother that they pander to is rare indeed.

Let’s review:

Kay Jewelers:

Myra the baby takes the car out for a drive, goes to Kay Jewelers and buys her mother a tennis bracelet. Somehow, she is able to obtain credit and make the purchase. The husband presents the tennis bracelet while they are taking a walk with Myra in the stroller. The man indicates to the woman that Myra did take the car out and applied for credit to make the purchase. The mom thinks that this is wonderful, and applauds her husband for her daughter’s choice in jewelry.

My experience:

I give my inherited diamond from my mother to my SIL for her wedding to my brother, because money is tight and they can’t afford an engagement ring. My mother takes credit for the decision, and tells my SIL and my brother that it was her idea and that the diamond came from her. Thank god that they knew the truth.

Jared’s Jewelers:

A man takes his girlfriend (no indication that she is a mother, so I assume she had one at some time and gave it up for adoption) to a very nice restaurant. He presents her with an ugly-ass gold chain something or other. It’s looped. Couldn’t he have done better than that? A tennis bracelet would have been much more awesome. Appropriately (NOT) she takes a picture of the bracelet and texts her friends with a picture of the bracelet. Her friends are awe-inspired and text back a picture asking if he has brothers. First of all, if they are her best friends, they KNOW if he has brothers or not. In fact, they know everything about everything he does in bed, all his faults, and all his quirks.

My experience:

No man has ever given me jewelry. Every nice piece of jewelry I have bought I have bought myself.

TJ-Maxx

Advertises a teddy that you can buy for mom for $38 at the department store, but you can get for about $18 at TJ Maxx. First of all, this is MOTHER’S DAY. Not Valentine’s day. Can you imagine the horror of a mother receiving a teddy from her children? Plus, I know a lot of you out there are MILF’s, but wouldn’t you rather have a whole day off from your kids rather than getting a present that ultimately, is really for the pleasure of your husband, or man with whom you are having an affair?

My experience:

My ass is WAY too big to get into a teddy. They exist for women of size, but it just doesn’t work out that well, despite what Tyra Banks says.

Hallmark, or some greeting card company:

A bunch of teenagers are sitting around trying to figure out what recording to make for this girl for her mother. The card allows you to make a recording and attach music to it. She tries something cheezy, but ultimately goes with one statement: “You are awesome”, and then “You’re Unbelievable” plays out of the card. Now, the mother is at some kind of family dinner, and the daughter is not there. The mother cries. The grandmother says “that is awesome”. The mother says, “I know”, as she tears up. I guess the daughter is off at college, even though the room that she and her friends are in is huge and looks like a childhood home bedroom. Was she too busy having a sleep over to go to the dinner thing?

My experience:

My mother has not contacted me, and has disowned me about 4 times by now, revamping her will to reflect the same. She has been using me as a tax shelter (back when it was legal) for money to “be used for going to college” which never came to fruition. I have her remove the money from my name, because I was being used since I was six as a tax shelter, and was signing tax returns since that age to make her richer.

Some Company, I never know what it is because the commericial is so appalling to me:

A montage of the wonderful things that the mother has done through the years is shown. The one thing that sticks out in my mind is a situation where the daughter, a teen, gets into the car, starts crying, and says “Oh mom!” and cries. Her mother reaches over to the passenger side of the car and hugs her daughter to support her in her pain. Uh?

My experience:

My mother has never hugged me or held me or told me she loves me, except once under duress by my father (very recently). My mother told me in February that her life is too busy to have me in it.

What’s missing here? My statement.

The Mother’s Day industry is missing a HUGE market. Many of us (maybe even most of us) have really shitty mothers. In fact, the only thing that they really did for us is give birth. I would like to see cards and commercials that reflect that. Imagine how many people would relate to that and purchase those commodities rather than have no choice but to ignore mother’s day or send an email that just says “Um, Happy Mother’s Day”.

My Proposal:

How about some cards that say things like:

“Yup. You gave birth to me. I recognize that. I didn’t really ask for it, but you did it.”

“Even though you were emotionally distant and never really cared much for me, you gave me food and shelter. Thanks for not letting me starve to death.”

“Happy Mother’s Day. I know you are rich. When are you going to die?”

“Thanks for having my brother as an accident, and having me as a save-the-marriage baby. Didn’t work out, but it was a good try.”

These are the things I would buy:

A fuzzy bear that records a message without any “awesome” music attached. I would say something like, “Yup. You are an egg donor. I made you sick for nine months, and you were in labor for 8 hours. You got off easy. I have endured you for 35 years so far. Enjoy your day.”

An “easy brake kit” that makes cutting your mother’s car’s brakes a no-brainer. “Happy Mother’s Day! Now give me my money bitch. I have earned it.”

A fake loan contract that says “Thanks for giving me prime+1. I hope next year is a better year for interest rates. The money’s coming back to me anyway when you croak, so what’s with the interest, bitch? Even though you said that’s how you show you are a mother to me, why can’t you fucking hug me you giant cunt?”

A giant sign that says, “Thanks for giving my niece one of your stuffed animals that is 10 years old at the last minute for Christmas since I guilted you into not ruining her Christmas based upon your beliefs.”

A diploma that says, “Yup. I ruined your life by being born. Sorry you couldn’t climb the ladder in one of the big 8 (big 8 back then) because you were forced to take care of me. You should have used a condom. Didn’t you have ANY experience in birth control?”

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There are SO many more cards and things that could pander to this market. I formally submit this proposal to all commercial companies that market to “retail-induced” holidays with the goal of increasing sales.