So, as we all know, this week has been quite a shock to many of us. I’m not doing a funny post today.
I am severely depressed. I don’t know if it’s the implant Implanon that I got for birth control, which does have a propensity to cause severe depression and headaches (which, I have been living on Tylenol for two weeks). The reason I don’t know is that two really bad things happened in my life recently.
As you all know, I was “conned” by a man. Many people come to quick judgment about the circumstances under which I got conned. I’ll let you have your opinion. It’s yours, and it’s none of my business. But I have been dealing with the shame and humiliation of it for two weeks, and I haven’t been able to shake it. I put myself out there one last time, telling myself, “Okay, self, let’s be vulnerable one last time. Let’s give it a shot.” I also let this person know that. I asked this person not to hurt me by betraying my vulnerability. No worries, I was told. Sufficient evidence to prove his existence; hell, I even talked to supposed doctors that were intelligent enough to speak to heart illnesses. Anyway, of my own volition, after awhile I decided to research cons because of the ridiculousness of the situation over time. I found hundreds of women, some very intelligent, who had been scammed by such people. Again, I know there are many of you who judge; that’s okay. I know myself, I know how smart I am, but I am still humiliated and embarrassed. I can hear everyone; “God you are stupid. You should have known better.”. “What are you, stupid? Desperate?” Maybe I am all of the above. I am naive; I still believe the best in people. I never developed the lack of trust of everyone around me. There have been times which, I guess, maybe I should have developed that, but I think it’s an awfully bitter way to live.
All I wanted was to not be hurt, but have the potential of finding even a friend with whom to spend time or get to know. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. I have never been hurt so substantially in any relationship, even though all of my relationships have been horrific and full of self-deprecation. I feel incredibly violated, and hearing things like, “god, didn’t you know any better” is not the advice I need to hear. In fact, that’s pretty tacky. So if you think that, keep it to yourself. I don’t need to hear it; I tell myself that enough all day long.
The other problem I have is that I am dead broke. I have an interview tomorrow, but I am miserable in technology. I am burned out, and, after 14 years in the industry, I puke thinking about being in it again. I can’t live with my dad; you guys don’t understand how moody my dad is and how volatile living with him can be. After my first divorce, I lived with him and took care of my grandmother while working and attending school. Trust me; we did not get along, and it resulted in physical violence. I know it would happen again. My mother has decided that things are too tough in her life to have her daughter in it (her words, not mine) and yet she tells everyone that my brother and I abandoned her. So there is no help there. I call my friends, but they don’t call me back. They ask me to call them; I call them. I call them again. They never return my calls. I am reaching out to my support group, and I am disappointed. Even my best friend has disappointed me in supporting me. The one person that has been accessible to me, even if online, is Robin, and I appreciate that a great deal.
This depression has become debilitating. Being a bipolar, I am used to it. But I much prefer hypomania to depression. I go through swings of sorts. In my teens and twenties (till 27) I was normal to depressive. From 28-34 I was manic to normal. Now, I have swung back toward the depressive side. I have been on every psycho-pharmaceutical known to man. Cymbalta was the last anti-depressant left for me to take. It worked. The next step was ECT. The Cymbalta isn’t working. I have tried everything. I have always been able to shake depression. I can always shake it after a week or so. I can’t focus, I can’t meditate. Dying most times really has to do with just wanting to go to sleep for a long time to escape the pain. Sometimes, it really is suicidal tendencies. But when you talk about it, you aren’t going to do it. When you do it, you do it. Trust me, I know. Eight times unsuccessful, and for every medical sign, I should have been dead. I never spoke about those eight times to anyone. Being passed out for days at a time, not waking once, but once waking finding bruises all over my body, the house ransacked from my falling down and passing out in various places, blood in the bathtub from falling down, you get the picture. I don’t want to be here, but it’s not the same as before. Now it’s just a desire to escape.
Bipolar disorder is not a “get therapy and fix yourself.” Second only to schizophrenia, bipolar disorder is the hardest to treat; in many cases it IS the hardest. medication for me stops working after about two years, and if there is nothing else on the market, the last step is ECT (electro-convulsive-therapy) which has actually come a long way and is very effective. It’s not the horror you imagine.
I need help, and I have asked for help. My friends, save Robin (not you guys; I don’t tell you about this stuff) have fallen short of helping me. I am disappointed, because they committed to be there as my support center. I feel very alone, and my psych can’t see me for two months. I called my therapist and am going to see him on Friday. but, because this is a medical issue, there’s not a lot to be done. I have gotten worse. I showered for the first time in five days today, and that took an act of congress. I was tired afterward. I stare at the walls; I have no desire to do anything. I am terrified to leave the house, and I want to be invisible. I want to disappear and never show up again.
Just because I am an asshole, I am posting all of my conman’s information here.
He goes by the name of Edward Chatzi, at least in this case.
Online ID for yahoo: avril6712
email: avril6712@yahoo.com
Phone: 011447790742828
He posted pictures of poor innocent people, including a child. How sad is that?
This was supposed to be my year. It started with such fantastic potential. I had the job of my dreams. I was trying to date again. Life was good. Then, I was caught up in immigration fraud and was defrauded by this guy. I ran out of money and am living off of credit cards so that I can stay in my home. I have one person that is helping me out tremendously in finding a job, but the economy sucks so badly. I have expanded my job search globally, save the middle east. Nothing. I have never been without a job. Ever. I have easily transitioned from one job to the other without incident. it’s been three and a half months, and I feel completely worthless professionally. The toll has been taken on me through the only area of my life I had any self-esteem; my work product. I am smart, and I have always succeeded in spades in my professional life, regardless of the failure in my personal life. Now I have both. Because of my medication issues, I am having a really hard time finding a reason to live. Every day, I get up and write a gratitude list. I read my spiritual texts, and I meditate. Or at least I try. I stopped crying. I stopped eating. I usually eat a lot when I am depressed; I never STOP eating. I feel completely lost, and I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel trapped in a place that I never wanted to be in, and I can’t find a way out. I have been here before in this feeling; a little more down and I will actually be in the bad place. I monitor my disease with a vengeance, and I have known that this is happening for two weeks now. I did everything; all the things I am supposed to do. I am so diligent about my disease. Situational stress causes swings in bipolar disorder. I miss the days when I swung from normal to hypomanic. That was so much better. The major depressive disorder is the worst. It’s the most dangerous. I feel like Hemingway. I know that, because of my disease, I don’t have a huge life expectancy (completed suicides are very high among bipolars) but I guess I didn’t want it to be this soon. I am not afraid of death; I would just miss my dogs a lot, and I worry what will happen to them.
Well, I guess that’s about it.
19 responses so far ↓
1 Metalmom // Apr 2, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I wish there was a way for me to help you but I know it’s one of those things that you have to ofor yourself.The only way I can “be here” for you is to listen if you want to vent, and to give you a shoulder to sob on. You know my email and I check it fairly regularly. My sister was also taken in by a guy she met online. (More than once) Even the smartest of people make mistakes sometimes.
I’ll keep you in my long litany of prayers for friends. I hope things eventually work out for you. ((HUGS))
Metalmom’s last blog post..I Swear!
2 Avitable // Apr 2, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I’ve been lost about the Africa thing since the beginning. I don’t know if I missed a post or if you just assumed we knew, but can you recap what happened? I’m totally in the dark.
Avitable’s last blog post..Let’s get frivolous
3 bluepaintred // Apr 2, 2008 at 3:39 pm
I have no idea what the conned thing is about. should i be searching archives?
as for suicide and bipolar and depression - NO suicide. I refuse to allow it. I cannot help you on the job sucks front becuase i have not held a job in over ten years and even then i only had a teen type job, so thats no good there.
and also? your friends are not your friends. Friends are their in good times and bad. Period.
4 Absurdist // Apr 2, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Thanks MM.
Avi: Long story; I will write a response here a little later. I am really down and tired right now.
BPR: You know, if you take away all my friends that won’t fucking call me back (Wayne), I wouldn’t have any friends. That would be worse.
5 Robin // Apr 2, 2008 at 4:01 pm
just take it one day at a time girl…just breathe and take care of yourself. That’s all any of us can do when things get dark. Just try to focus on things that make you feel better and reach out to any of us whenever you need to.
Robin’s last blog post..School Of Experience
6 Absurdist // Apr 2, 2008 at 4:09 pm
Sorry, I don’t mean to blast wayne. I am just really hurt and this is a recurring issue that I bring up AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
7 laughingattheslut // Apr 2, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Oh, this so sucks.
I had been thinking, at least she has her dad. She can move in with her dad for a while and she’ll feel better. And now you’re saying that won’t work at all.
And this seems like a very bad time to try the birth-control implant. How much trouble is it to get it removed? Twice I have had to go off of the pill for a while, which sucked, but at least all I had to do was just stop taking them.
I also did the thing where I got depressed and stopped eating. I had to keep things around the house that I would eat without thinking about it. Animal crackers or Arrowroot Cookies, soup, and certain kinds of Chinese food helped some. And chocolate milk has some calories and nutrients when you really can’t eat anything. And ice cream is good for the sore throat, which you probably have.
All of that costs money, which you don’t have much of. And probably what you do have you’re trying to save to take care of your dogs. I’m pretty sure that they haven’t stopped eating.
It’s all a trade-off. Taking the dogs out to the park or something will probably make you feel better for a bit, but then even that little bit of exercise will make you too tired to do anything at all. And you’ve probably got a lot to do.
laughingattheslut’s last blog post..How I hate just sitting here
8 dmarks // Apr 2, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Yes, it really sucks. I hope that everything “Edward” does really catches up to him big-time.
dmarks’s last blog post..Can you fry an egg?
9 Tug // Apr 2, 2008 at 7:14 pm
I’ve got nothing to offer (no experience) but many hugs, many prayers… taking your dogs for a walk is a great idea - I hope you’re up to that - fresh air is always good…sunshine…seriously, showered or not.
much luck…
Tug’s last blog post..Buy me a cup of coffee?*
10 Swizzle Stick // Apr 2, 2008 at 11:38 pm
Here I am, out of lurking and leaving a comment. That right there should make you feel much, much better!
I hope that you know how much your willingness to post and lay your vulnerabilities out there help all of us, and I hope it helps you too. Knowing you need support and leaning on friends, family and those of us out here in the blogosphere is a sign of strength. And you, my dear, have it!
“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” A.A. Milne
Peace.
Swizzle Stick’s last blog post..All Good
11 Melanie Marie // Apr 3, 2008 at 7:07 am
I have no assvice for you… just wanted to let you know that I heard you and your pain. I’ve struggled with major depression for a very long time. I recognize the terrible place you are talking about. I’m so sorry you are in that place. Your dogs would miss you too and no one would be able to love them as much as you do.
PS- I’m sorry your friends are being asshats.
12 Mel-O-Drama // Apr 3, 2008 at 9:31 am
I wish I could offer you more than my words, but know that I am thinking about you and would give you a big ol’ hug if I were there. Hang in there. This too shall pass. {{{hugs}}}
Mel-O-Drama’s last blog post..trackstar!
13 Karl // Apr 3, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Aw, Chelle, I’m sorry you’re in such a deep pit right now. I get it, I really do. Being bipolar and depressive myself, there are many days I don’t want to get out of bed, let alone do such stupid things as eat or bathe.
Can’t believe that your support system is letting you down so severely right now. That sucks.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers, hon. And you can always e-mail me. I’ll even fire up a chat client for you!
Karl’s last blog post..Lots of Stuff to Mention
14 Kyra Sutra // Apr 3, 2008 at 1:24 pm
Okay.
I did know about this and I didn’t reach out. For that, I am so sorry. I guess I got caught up in all of this other shit and faded out completely. Chelle… EMAIL ME. CALL ME. SKYPE ME (I paid for the fucking Skype) TALK TO ME. I’m here now and listening and I understand. Please know first and foremost that not a single bit of this Edward thing is your fault. It does NOT make you stupid when someone cons you. You are not naive or gullible… you were tricked by a horrible, shady man and this is a reflection on him not you. You made a lot of progress with reaching out, trying again… don’t give up on that. Do not succumb to the fear because you might miss out. I know it hurts so much and that causes insecurity and fear but you are smart and amazing and there are enough people out there looking for exactly that. Someday, you will stumble on that person and everything will fall into place. Please don’t stop working on yourself. I’m trying to do the same…. we can buddy up if you like…lol. I am here for you and you can say or tell me anything you want. I’m resilient…lol.
Love you, baby….
Kyra Sutra’s last blog post..Half Naked Thursday: Liberation
15 Poppy // Apr 3, 2008 at 4:27 pm
Social engineering is a very real problem in this world. You were vulnerable and he picked up on that and used that completely to his advantage. I cannot empathize with what you just went through, but in my English tendency, I genuinely feel sorrow that this happened to you.
I know this is all Fight Club-y, but you’re broke right now and probably can’t afford to go to some high priced therapist, so what about going to a 12-step group of your choice, or a support group for … victims of something similar to what you just experienced? Sorry, I dunno what groups are out there, but those groups tend to really help people who genuinely want and need it.
And… I am torn about your comment. If I didn’t know Wayne at all I would probably say “what a fucking bastard” but… I can’t help but think that it’s because he has a family to think of and he’s been having a lot of trouble saying the right things to you (or to any woman) and so has had to stop communicating so he doesn’t say the wrong thing. That’s just my guess. He told me today (after I basically yelled at him on my blog, oops) that there is an end date astrologically speaking to his miscommunication with the world, but didn’t happen to mention when that would be. Maybe after he’s done going through his astrologically mandated period of “if I open my mouth to say anything everyone gets pissed at me no matter how sweet I’m trying to be” maybe he’ll be in a better position to help.
Well, that felt rambly.
16 C // Apr 3, 2008 at 5:12 pm
I got here through…
Well, we have a lot of internet friends in common, let’s just say that.
I’m sorry this is hard for you. I have things to say to you but don’t want to say them here. Write me if you like at haughtyass at comcast dot net. (I am clairvoyant/intuitive)
If you don’t, that’s okay, I understand — but plz know that I wish you well.
L,
C
17 L // Apr 3, 2008 at 5:15 pm
The biploar sucks bollocks doesn’t it, you in a way are luckier than me I haven’t yet learnt to master when my epsiodes are begining I have learnt to spot when I have changed though and I know episodical stress sets me off….
I can’t do woman it would appear they set me off like you wouldn’t believe!!!
So you can’t kill yourself honey cus I think I need your advice I have only ever been on two forms of medication Antidepressants which I had to come off straight away as they made my lows worse and my highs ridiculous! and now Depakote as well as Cognitive Behavioural therapy, Raiki and the excersice three times a week…. which as you will know too well takes all the fecking energy in the world.
I haave trouble spotting when I’m about to cycle real trouble
I’ve only been at the brink of the edge three times the third was the closest, its just shite but we’ve gotta fight it the way I see it what’s life if it aint a cylcic mood tsunami
18 Absurdist // Apr 3, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Thanks for all the comments guys. I PROMISE to address each one in the morning. I am freakin’ exhausted and all I did was go to an interview today.
**sigh**
You guys are so awesome and so supportive. And Avi, I do promise to explain what happened regarding Edward.
Thanks!
M–
19 Absurdist // Apr 4, 2008 at 7:48 am
Okay, here are the responses. Sorry so long.
MM:
Thank you so much. Not that it’s good that your sister got taken in, but it does make me feel better that even the smartest of us do our due diligence and still get taken in.
Avi:
I am going to write a post instead. Look for that today.
BPR:
You are right. Good news; I didn’t commit suicide. I did call my psych and am going to my therapist today since my meditation isn’t working for shit these days. I need to do some anger work. I am sooooo pissed off at my scammer.
Robin:
You are right. I am going to make a list of all the things that ARE going for me so I can focus on that. That and my taxes. SEP taxes. Ugh!
Slut:
Yeah, I get really bored of food really fast, and when I am depressed, I won’t cook. Soup, chocolate milk, all of that is what I use to supplement when I am bored of food. I am going to go to the grocery store today and get that stuff. Good advice. And I swear if I see another Reece’s piece again I am going to puke. As for the birth control, I wasn’t ready for uterine ablation, and since it was progesterone only, it looked like a good solution. I am still not convinced that is the cause of the depression, but we shall see.
Dmarks:
I have taken up Voodoo and Santeria.
Tug:
Thanks. Yeah, as soon as this rain is over, I am going to get out of the house and go to the park. Can’t take the dogs. They die after 1/10th of a mile. Shitheads.
Swiz:
Thanks. I appreciate the quotes. I always like quotes as motivators. I have many favorite poems that are not necessarily motivators for me, but reminders of life and trials and tribulations.
Melanie:
I love it!!! Asshats. I am going to use that! Thanks for the support.
Mel:
My mom has a saying (one of about three that actually made sense, her legacy to me): The only things worth worrying about are things that will still affect you five years from now. I think she’s right about that.
Karl:
Thanks. That would be awesome. You have always been so supportive in emails, even when they are sex emails. Okay, not sex emails, but innuendo emails. Those are my favorites.
Kyra:
Um, you are SO excused from worrying about me. I think your situation trumps mine in spades. We can support each other. Let’s get your skype up and running this weekend.
Poppy:
Thanks for being so supportive. I do really appreciate it. I get on Wayne a lot because he does have time to talk to me. He does call me, and I don’t mean to single him out. I have three close friends, and they are all just kinda ignoring me right now. He has the time. He isn’t taking advantage of it. And I can write it here, because he knows.
C:
Thanks. I am going to write you today. I really appreciate it!
L:
Write me at absurdist@theabsurdist.net. It took a long time for me to know when I am cycling. Bipolar disorder is more difficult to treat than schizophrenia because of the multiple medications and the “right” cocktail, and it all stops working after a couple of years. I will be more than happy to dispense my experience and advice. Anytime. I love to help other bipolars, because we have to stick together.
Come on man. You know you want to say something!