I fear writing this, as Poppy is going to just jump all over my shit before even reading what I have learned, or even, my take on how I have been feeling. But, I shall bite the bullet and type it anyway.
For some reason, on Friday (okay, I really do know why) I got really depressed. It had to do with some realizations that the reason that I “hate” people is really because I feel like I am broken, and that if I get too close to them, they will see that I am broken too. Or, that if they tell me something that I construe as mean, it’s a direct reflection on this fundamentally “broken” thing in me.
Having realized that, it took me to a dark place I didn’t want to go with respect to the things that were told to me and done to me as a child. Things that are so horrific that I fear telling any of them here. This was the origin of my feeling as if something in me was broken.
Now, just for Poppy, I know in my head that there is nothing fundamentally broken about me. I know that I am just like everyone else. I have worked out just about everything in my life except my feeling completely substandard to everyone else. And it impacts my personal relationships the most, because I feel like I am totally unworthy of anyone’s time and attention.
As usual, this is not a vie for attention, or anything. It’s just the facts about where I was on Friday night and yesterday. And that was in a deep, dark place.
16 responses so far ↓
1 Robin // Mar 23, 2008 at 7:39 am
I think we all are a little broken in some ways, it’s part of what makes us vulnerable and unique.
Robin’s last blog post..Pictures Say It Best
2 Hilly // Mar 23, 2008 at 8:19 am
I hate that we are all so afraid to allow ourselves to feel what we feel. We apologize to others for being down or angry or blah blah blah and that is half of the problem, quite honestly.
I’ve visited many dark places before and as long as I come back, I’m okay with that :).
Hilly’s last blog post..Super Snoopy Snackie Sunday: Snackiversary….
3 Karl // Mar 23, 2008 at 8:25 am
Hell, I can relate. In more ways than you know. Glad you were able to talk about it here. You’ve gotta vent that shit or your brain will burst.
Karl’s last blog post..Did Jesus See His Shadow?
4 Absurdist // Mar 23, 2008 at 8:57 am
All: you know, it’s a double-edged sword for me to have to say, “I am so glad that there are others out there that feel like I do sometimes”, because none of us should ever feel “broken”. We are all just great the way we are, and we never need feel the way I was feeling. So, except for the double-edged sword, and the fact that I hope you never feel again like there is something wrong, or anything overwhelming, thank you for helping me feel that I am not alone.
5 Mr. Fabulous // Mar 23, 2008 at 10:05 am
I know those dark places all too well. And I think Robin is right, we’re all a little broken. You are certainly not alone.
Next time you are in a dark place, look for me and say hi!
Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..It’s Krazy Kooky Karl, or as I like to say, KK?wait a minute?
6 Winter // Mar 23, 2008 at 10:46 am
Ya know, I liken myself to a boomerang. I hit the dark places but I can never stay. I pop back up optimistic and shit. Like a balloon full of air that won’t stay under the water in the sink. Fab stole my line about saying HI next time you’re in the dark place. I myself was there yesterday morning. Phone call from my MIL, missing Rott, stupid kid of mine who won’t do anything and breaks promises all the time. I got dark and weepy and felt really sorry for myself. I went and got a pedicure. My purse was better than all the purses of the women in there! I felt better when I left.
Broken is something we all feel because when we don’t feel the way society has told us we’re supposed to be/feel, we feel that something is wrong with us, we’re “broken”. It’s not true of course. We’re just multi-facted, multi-layered. If you never experienced true pain, how can you know true joy when you find it? Everything is relative really. You just gotta step outside yourself and view it from the other side sometimes. The rest of the time… just do the Risky Business and say Fuck It!
Winter’s last blog post..Character Development and Easter Candy
7 Kyra Sutra // Mar 23, 2008 at 12:17 pm
Please don’t apologize for a single word or feeling you may have. Telling us how you feel is important because it opens up communication and this will help in the long run. No one here is going to throw stones or think any less of you. Certainly not me. I think it’s so incredible to know that you have gone through hell, that you have been hurt and that you are what you are today despite that. You are smart, funny and honest and I just really want to have crazy, depressed lesbian sex with you.
Kyra Sutra’s last blog post..babblin’s
8 Absurdist // Mar 23, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Fab:
I had no idea you would have dark spots. You seem so upbeat all the time. Again, the fact that others have this situation makes me feel better.
All:
Frankly, I always feel different from everyone else. Do you guys ever feel like you are totally different than everyone else ? That you don’t fit in? Not like in high school, but like, in life? Do you ever look at that mom over there with the cute kid and think, wow, she has it all, and she must feel really good. Look at her, all happy, and fitting in with everyone, having a kid, a family, I wonder if she ever feels like she doesn’t belong.
9 Tori // Mar 24, 2008 at 12:01 am
ya… I think the “being different” is normal… it what makes us unique… we all have those little voices in our head and you know that mom with her kid is probably looking at me (36, single, childless) thinking I’ve got the better life… just another way society has put “perfect” in front of us, even tho it’s unachievable…
10 Absurdist // Mar 24, 2008 at 5:58 am
Tori:
You know, she probably is. Maybe, if she can get her eyes off the kid for ten seconds. Maybe she is looking at me going, god, I wish I had a job to go to everyday, or, god I wish I was single, I hate my husband, or god, why oh why didn’t I go back to worK?
I really do need to start seeing things from the other side.
11 Tug // Mar 24, 2008 at 9:13 am
I hope you’re feeling a little better…yeah, we all seem to have our ‘moments’. I had a friend that was ‘that girl’…she looked like Barbie, had money, the perfect husband…she’s now a divorced meth addict who has no chance of ever getting custody of the child she tried for YEARS to conceive…I don’t know that anyone’s got it as good as we seem to think.
Hang in there, and know that you are not alone. ;-)
Tug’s last blog post..A good time was had by all…
12 Poppy // Mar 25, 2008 at 11:42 am
I am catching up on blogs after vacation, so I’m not yet sure what you’re talking about, but I’ll keep reading to find out.
13 Absurdist // Mar 25, 2008 at 11:46 am
Tug:
Thanks. I appreciate the words.
Poppy:
Well, this one just kinda came out of nowhere, because I wasn’t sharing. I am in the process of having to move back in with my father, and it’s rather humiliating. That’s a part of it, but there is a bunch of other shit going on in my life. And it’s crucifying me, and has me back against a wall with a steamroller two inches from my face.
14 Poppy // Mar 25, 2008 at 11:47 am
I think it’s important to realize that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and to live in this moment and enjoy this moment instead of continuing to strive for other things beyond this moment. That’s the problem with our society — we’re supposed to be overachieving and striving for perfection, but the problem is that my idea of a perfect life doesn’t fit with what society tells me a perfect life is.
I was unhappy most of my life. You’re catching me at the “I FINALLY FUCKING FIGURED IT OUT” stage. I have finally accepted me for me, finally accepted that what I want in life is ok to want, that I’m not going to live for other people, and that I deserve happiness in whatever form I prefer to have that happiness in. Doesn’t mean there aren’t daily challenges, doesn’t mean you won’t catch me bitching and moaning once in a while, doesn’t mean I am always HAPPY, just means I’ve accepted who I am and stopped wishing I was in everyone else’s situation but my own.
And now I hafta pee.
15 Poppy // Mar 25, 2008 at 11:59 am
I went pee.
Bright side: At least it’s not moving in with your mother.
Always a bright side.
16 Absurdist // Mar 25, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Poppy: Thank you… That totally cracked me up!!!
Come on man. You know you want to say something!