Shaktalfoochiemamma Osamabinlama Dahli called me a moment ago. First of all, I hate it when recruiting companies put recruiters on the phone that CANNOT speak American such that I can understand a fucking word that they are saying. I can’t tell you how many times I have received calls from recruiters that can’t speak the fucking language. AND they do NOT understand the consulting biz.
Shaktalfoochiemamma :”Weee hove a beesnizz eenteleegenz soluzion conzulta poseetion for you. ”
Me: “I’m sorry. I have having trouble understanding you. Could you please repeat that?”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: Same shit.
Me: “I’m sorry. I am still having a lot of trouble understanding you. What company are you with?”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: (**sighs at me**) repeats company name is some fucking language that isn’t Indian or American.
Me: I still have no idea who she is or what company she is calling from, but at this point I have been able to discern that she has a business intelligence consulting position.
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “Eez deez a gud teem to tolk?”
Me: “Yes, this is a good time to talk.”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “Okay. Weee hove a beesnizz eenteleegenz soluzion conzulta poseetion for you.”
Me: “Okay, where is this position located?”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “I eez sorreee I keenot unturstind yoo.”
Me: (**sighs** and speaks much more slowly): “where. is. this. position. located?..”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: (speaks louder at me as if that will help me understand her fucking ass) “Deez eez lokeeted in Reedmund, Wazintum. It eez for seex munt cuntreect.”
Me: “Okay, well, I am sure that this particular company is looking for someone that is willing to be in Washington 100% of the time. As a consultant, I work T&E. I do not do all-inclusives.”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “uh…”
At this point, I realize that she has NEVER worked with a consultant before. I repeat the same shit, and:
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “I eez seery. Keen yoo eeespleen more?”
Me: (shit, now I have to educate this fucking ‘tard): “Okay, when you work with American consultants, you can expect them to work T&E. Rarely will they take an all-inclusive. Unless this is Microsoft, I doubt that they will be able to cover both T&E.”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “So yoo eez inteereesteeed eeen deee poseeezion?”
Me: (**sigh**): “Only if they are willing to pay T&E. ”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “Eem seery. I doo noot eendursteend deez Tee Eee”.
Me: (holy fucking shit): “T&E is time and expense. Again, if your client is looking for someone to be in the area 100% of the time, I recommend looking for an H1 to transfer as it will be much easier to put them in Redmond 100%, as they will not need to travel anywhere.”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: ” Su Eee keen seend yoo jube deescreezion, yoo oor eentreezted?”
Me: (fucking goddamned son of a bitch): “What’s the bill rate? I bill at a minimum of $80/hour on 1099, and that is not all-inclusive. The industry can support $100 per, but I will cut rate at eighty.”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “Okee. Deen I wee seend yoo jube deescreezion.”
Me: “So, the client is willing to pay at least $80 per hour and expenses?”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “Noo Ee dooo nut teek dee cleent keen pee dat, 100 peer hure. So Eee seend yoo jube?”
Me: “Okay, well, my bill rate isn’t $100/ hour. It’s a cut rate at $80/hour 1099. It probably won’t be necessary, since the client can’t pay both T&E, and can’t meet my rate. Don’t forget too that industry standard for expenses is 2.5 times the bill rate when you bill out at $80 to $100 per hour.”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “Oom. Okee. I zee yoo neeeeed dooo fleee eeevree veek hume, eend Eee doo nut tink cleent keen pee diz. Eee weel seend yoo jube.”
Me: “Um, okay.”
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “Teek yoo fure teeleeng toooo meeee.”
Me: “Okay, you have a nice day.”
Major pause…..
Shaktalfoochiemamma: “Yoo heeve ee neez dee tooo.”
So 15 seconds later, I get the fucking job description.
Fucking Indians.
10 responses so far ↓
1 Robin // Jan 30, 2008 at 4:39 pm
I think I had a small stroke just reading that, you were way more patient than I would have been.
Robin’s last blog post..The Impossible
2 Absurdist // Jan 30, 2008 at 5:15 pm
I had nothing to do except clean the house, and I wanted to fuck with her.
I like to fuck with the Indians. Usually, I will do really weird things to them if they can’t speak American, but I was too tired to fuck with her this morning.
3 Mr. Fabulous // Jan 31, 2008 at 6:20 am
I want to eat your dogs. Sell me your dogs.
Mr. Fabulous’s last blog post..Because sometimes you don’t want to read a lot of words?
4 Poppy // Jan 31, 2008 at 9:49 am
I hate the phone.
Fab, stop trying to eat everyone’s furbabies!
5 Absurdist // Jan 31, 2008 at 10:07 am
Nicky’s kinda stringy. They just look fat because they need a haircut. Plus, they aren’t good eating’s…
Poppy: I won’t even answer it if I don’t know the area code. I have at least started answering if I know the area code, whereas I used to only answer if I knew the person. They can just send me an email. They never leave a message, and I have found that they will send me an email right after calling. So why bother picking up the phone? They are going to be Indian, and I am not going to understand them, and I am going to have to tell them the same thing, over and over; I am a professional consultant, I travel home every week, I do 4×10s, and I charge T&E. Go get yourself an H1 that needs to transfer to another company to stay in the country.
Fuckers.
You know I can’t post these days with saying “Fuckers”…
6 metalmom // Jan 31, 2008 at 11:42 am
Hubs was on the phone with an Indian last night and it was hellacious to listen to.
Since it involved his business, I couldn’t help him translate. He finally hung up and
called again. The second time he demanded an English speaking operator.He got one
and they were going to transfer him to someone else. When he asked the second time
for an English speaker, they gave him a hard time. He just said Fuck it and he closed his
account with them.
metalmom’s last blog post..Children’s Television
7 Wayne // Feb 2, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Sometimes it’s not so bad, but MAN when it’s bad it’s bad. I usually try to be very polite and say “I’m sorry, I’m just having a hard time understanding you - can you please find someone who can speak english?”
How do you say that politely, tho?
Wayne’s last blog post..(de)fraggle rock
8 boy blunder! // Feb 2, 2008 at 11:47 pm
dont worry, soon there will be no jobs in USA, given the pace at which the jobs are moving to India.
boy blunder!’s last blog post..First DUI - Disaster under the influence!!!
9 Absurdist // Feb 3, 2008 at 10:28 am
MM- Yeah, that SUCKS doesn’t it? I do the same, most of the time. I usually like to fuck with them if I have nothing left to do. Serve’s em right.
Wahhh: Yup, I do the same thing. When I was doing SOX compliance for that PM software at that company I worked for after working for that PM company, I had six different people doing the internal audit before we went through the official audit with KPMG. the last guy I worked with couldn’t speak a fucking word of English. I was gracious, then I just down downright adamant. I think he had experience with this before; people not working with him because of his accent. I had to “kid glove” him, and after he realized I was telling the truth, he was very kind to me and started emailing me too.
BB: Only if you are a commodity. My old boss at that company I worked at after working for the PM company taught me one thing, about a year before it was hot in Business Weel:
1. Attach yourself to a product, you are a commodity that can be outsourced.
2. Become application agnostic, and move into overall solutions, and not focus on products, you because an innovator, which means you are no longer a commodity. Except for being a consultant, in every other case, I have followed his method and advice, and it has never steered me wrong. In fact, all of the advice he gave me about how to REALLY MANAGE TEAMS and how to REALLHY be a leader, not those bullshit books out, was dead on. We spend four hours a week studying John Maxwell with his courses, and we were required to prove how we used his lessons in our everyday job. It was reflected in our monthly updatess on our performance plan.
He was the most important manager in my life. He was also the one I failed the most. I learned more from him by failing and him taking the time to teach me where I failed without getting upset at me than any other manager I have ever had in my life. I aspire to be him to most degrees… There are some things that I am frustrated at him about, but I can forgive him for it.
10 boy blunder! // Feb 3, 2008 at 12:34 pm
thats good. You seem to be sure of where you are heading to. All the best!
boy blunder!’s last blog post..First DUI - Disaster under the influence!!!
Come on man. You know you want to say something!