I was completely remiss to do my Freewriting Friday last week. I apologize to MetalMom for failing to do so. I have set my timer for five minutes so I don’t go over the request period of time. I type 85 WPM, so it may be long. I will try to type slowly (the kids call it keyboarding these days, don’t they?)

I am a day late, but I am going to update my calendar for Thursdays so I don’t forget from now on.

The freewriting is based upon stream of consciousness. For those of you are not not familiar with stream of consciousness, it’s basically whatever comes into your head at the time you are writing. I tend to be all over the place, so enjoy my mental illness.

———————–FREEWRITING BEGIN———————–

My teeth are grungy. I should brush them. Why isn’t my Tazorac working as fast as I want to get my acne together? I hate covering it up. I gotta bathe the dogs. I am such a bad mommy to them. They actually need to get groomed. Everyone values something in their life. What do I value? What legacy do I want to leave at the end of the day? Why isn’t my medicine working? That’s crap. I am so pissed off that I have to get it changed when I have a mood change. I am going to meditate outside today. The weather is going to be nice. I hope that I didn’t do too much damage with two beers, xanax and risperdal last night. Yesterday was just so emotional with the therapeutic work I did by myself. I had no idea that I still had unresolved issues with my ex-boyfriends. I know now why I am having trouble dating. It’s not my looks or my body. It’s becuase I give off this vibe that I am not ready, or that I have terrible baggage. I had no idea I was still so bitter.

I am very lucky that I don’t have to work right now, and that I can afford to write my book. I am fearful though, and am having a lot of trouble getting started. I am so afraid of failure, and that voice in my head keeps telling me “No, do what you are supposed to do; work in corporate”. I HATE CORPORATE. I don’t fit in. I hate all my bosses. I hate the culture. I am glad I have time right now to work on myself and shed the old me that I keep holding onto so badly. The reason I dont’ feel 35 is cuz I am emotionally stuck at 16, and haven’t “processed” all the bullshit I have allowed in my life. Mostly due to past relationships. I went through pictures last night. I realized that I do have pictures that represent that I did exist in my 20’s. I always had fears that when I die, or if I die prematurely, the only thing that would prove that I existed was that I had clients, and have a house full of furniture, with nothing to prove that I ever existed, had experiences when I became an adult. I always wondered what legacy I wanted to leave behind.

I think about what I would do if I were dying. There are so many things I would do. Why aren’t I doing them now? Why am I afraid to the take the risk? If these are my desires, why would I fail at them? No god or whatever would give me these desires if I could not do them. That would be mean and not make sense.

———————–FREEWRITING END———————–

The only thing I did was go back and change misspellings. I did not change grammar or anything like that.