Welcome to Freewriting Friday. If you would like to participate, please head on over to Metalmom’s site. She came up with this great idea (actually, I think it might be Shelli’s, but I am not sure. If so, I apologize!) We write for five minutes as free association, or stream of consciousness. For those of you who have trouble finding a timer, I have been using this timer for a long time for many different things. It’s totally web-based, and will count up or down, with a ding at the end. I love it!

Participants so far (there may be more by the time this is posted; check on MM’s site for the complete list):

• Robin
• Finn
• Metalmom
• Shelli
• Randi
• Shortie
• Stacy
• Trishk
• Epiphany

________________________________________________________________________________________I had some really messed up dreams last night. They involved my dead grandmother, my family, the charmed ones, and a boyfriend. I couldn’t believe that anyone wanted to be with me just because. There was nothing special about me, as there is nothing special about me now, but this guy just wanted to be with me. As usual, I was on a mission to solve a damned mystery, and he went along with me just to support me. WTF? Who does that? No man I haev ever been with. I mean, he liked me just the way I was. Who does that? To me? Who would ever want me just the way I am? There is nothing remotely intersting about me, I am not pretty, I am fat, and i certainly don’t deserve someone as good-looking and as nice as this guy was. He really wanted to be with me, and that really freaked me out. I didn’t know how to handle that. I have been taking care of myself for my whole life, and he wanted to take care of me because he cared about me. Who does that for me? No one. I haven’t ever had a guy in my life that want3ed to care for me, do nice things for me, and generally just be there for me. Therew was always some kind of catch. Anyhoo, it’s clear how I feel about myself. Not too great. It just shows how inadequate I feel around other women, and the fact that I think that no man would ever want me. There’s a surprise.

In other areas, I started eating right yesterday. I ate six small meals, diabetic diet, small amounts of proteins, good carbs, lots of veggies, low glycemic fruits. It was good, but damnit, I got really hungry. I wasn’t supposed to get hungry. I drank my 100 ounces of water; how could i get hungry? What’s wrong with me? I guess that I am so used to eating a lot at one sitting, and not eating throughout the rest of the day that I get hungry now with six small meals. I hope that it all evens out, because I am going through sugar withdrawals, not to mention waiting for my GODDAMNED period to start. I am two weeks overdue, and I cn’t be pregnant, or else it would be the immaculate conception. I thought I ws going to statrt yesterday, but no such luck, Hell, my boobs don’t even hurt, and they usually hurt all to hell. This just means perimenopause. Great. An I am finaslly feeling the need to ahve a child for the firtst time in my life. I guess it’s all catching up to me. I can’t believe I want a child. Me, of all people. I know, you thinkt ahtt’s weird about me. Since I profess to never want children. But I guess I do. I feel this serious need to have a child. I never really thought I would have one. so I guess that something is wrong with me. I don’t know.

________________________________________________________________________________________

If I missed your name and you participated in freewrite friday, please post below.