Okay, so I have alluded to something having caused my memory loss, but I have not disclosed what, exactly has been going on with me.
Unfortunately, most of that is because I can’t remember. My memory is shot.
Anyhoo, almost two weeks ago, I went back into the hospital to do something about my medications that were no longer working. As I understand it, none of them were working, and I had become suicidally depressed again.
I hate having bipolar disorder.
So, I recommend that we do ECT this time, since I am out of new medications to take. MY doctor isn’t a proponent of ECT, but the H Group at the hospital is the best in the state, so he agrees with me.
A week ago, Monday morning comes. They take me back, and hook me all up. They give me NOT ENOUGH muscle relaxer (they don’t know how much to give you until after the first one), and shoot me full of shit to knock me out. They seize me, and I pee all over myself. The only bonus is that my jaw clenched so hard during the first one (for lack of sufficient muscle relaxer) that it hasn’t popped once since then.
So, comes seizure two on Wednesday. Armed with Depends this time, I get enough muscle relaxer, and I am “seized”. No harm no foul. But I start to notice that I am forgetting shit.
Seizure three on Friday. I have forgotten many things, but I don’t realize it because I am at the hospital and not at my house REALIZING how much I have forgotten. I plan on going home on Saturday and doing the rest of my ECT outpatient. Of course, none of my friends can TAKE me to the fucking ECT treatments, which means I am left with taking a cab. I am not comfortable taking a cab, because you don’t even know who you are when you are done with this. I just didn’t think that was a good time to get in a cab. So, I go home on Saturday, unsure if I will be back on Monday.
Upon returning home, I realize that I have forgotten the last years’ worth of my life. I talk to my friends, trying to figure things out. I have no idea what my daily routine is. I don’t remember what I was doing before I went to the hospital. The last job I remember having was over two years ago. I don’t remember what medications I take, what I do every day, what most people’s names are, and that Wayne’s dog died two years ago. seriously. I didn’t even remember that. Geez.
So, today, I am going to pretend like I know what I am doing around my house and see if anything comes back to me. I already had one thing come back to me; this thing that I am doing to cleanse myself internally. So, I guess that’s good right?
13 responses so far ↓
1 Tug // Jun 17, 2008 at 10:52 am
OK, so…wow. Do you/they know if the memory loss is temporary, or about how long it should last? I know nothing about this, but seriously hope it works for you Chelle - this has got be be HELL in the meantime.
Much luck to you!!
Tugs last blog post..The shock & surprise of it all
2 Robin // Jun 17, 2008 at 10:55 am
When in doubt, just pretend you know what you are doing…that’s what I do most of the time
Robins last blog post..Candy
3 Absurdist // Jun 17, 2008 at 10:58 am
Tug: Actually, I told the H Team to go to hell. I shouldn’t have lost any memory for at least six or so treatments. I lost too much memory in three treatments. Everyone reacts differently. I just don’t want to lose my entire mind. I don’t know if the memories will come back or not. I am beginning to remember blogging (hence the fact that I am blogging again), and I am beginning to remember all of you guys, which is cool, cuz I missed you guys!
Robin:
Girl, you said a mouthful. I am with you on that!
4 Winter // Jun 17, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Just make it up as you go. At any rate, it’s a clean slate to learn new bad habits. That could be fun!
On a more serious note, I’m glad it didn’t wipe away your sense of humor. I about spit out my diet Dr Pepper over your tax extension comment!
Winters last blog post..Three
5 Finn // Jun 17, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Oh geez… sweetie. These are your choices? Suicidal or unable to remember anything? ((hugs))
6 whall // Jun 17, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I could spit out lots of advice that means nothing, but I won’t.
I can be there when you call so I can listen and help you ‘get back’, so I will.
I could joke about it (the ‘old Michelle’ would’ve loved it) and say “Who are you, and why are you calling me?” but I didn’t.
I am able to help, so I do.
I would do this for you, but I can’t.
whalls last blog post..VLOG Episode #3: Wayne’s 3-minute DITL
7 Penelope // Jun 17, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Bloody hell! I’m speechless and that doesn’t happen often!
If you can’t remember who I am - I’m “that fucking Brit” you *heart* so much ;o)
Get well sweets, seriously, I really am hoping for all the best for you!
Penelopes last blog post..You’ve lost that lovin’ feeling.
8 Tug // Jun 17, 2008 at 2:29 pm
DANG. I hope they (you) find something that works for you…that would scare the hell out of me! So glad you are back & starting to remember…you were missed!
Tugs last blog post..The shock & surprise of it all
9 Nat // Jun 17, 2008 at 6:45 pm
I can’t imagine not being able to feel at home at home. Here’s hoping it comes back.
I know Sue’s daughter over at The Torn Pages had ECT earlier this year. (It took time but her daughter’s memory came back.) — http://thetornpages.com/
Nats last blog post..A joke for the Buddhists
10 Absurdist // Jun 17, 2008 at 6:57 pm
I’ll respond to everyone else a little later.
Nat, apparently, I advised Sue when her daughter was going to go through it. Wayne said I did, at least. I knew tons about it, but now that I have had it, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I contacted Sue, because I want to ask her about the near immediate memory loss that one experiences throughout the day that lasts for several weeks. It’s the same thing that guy in “Memento” had:
anterograde memory dysfunction
I knew about the other memory loss, but no one told me my brain would be a sieve for the next few weeks. In fact, I am not supposed to have these symptoms after only three treatments. The memory loss I have sustained is the same as some of those who went through a full series. Now, i can’t remember anything that happens during the day. It’s horrible.
I wake up every day, and I don’t really know who I am. My personality is all caught up in my memories. I know I am a different person right now; I don’t know what I do. I forgot how to make coffee; I forgot I like iced tea. I just remembered these things, thank god. Everything in my life is a mess. I have to put notes up all over the place to remind myself of things. Worse, my father doesn’t believe me…It’s horrible. It’s like trying to redefine myself all over again. I don’t even want to know what I would be like if I had a full series of six, nine, twelve or fifteen of these things.
11 laughingattheslut // Jun 17, 2008 at 9:28 pm
And to think that I was just coming over here to see if you went to Fedconusa this weekend.
Hi, you probably don’t remember me. You don’t really know me, I’m just a blogger. We were supposed to meet for coffee, but we never did.
That’s too bad about the treatments. I’d heard good things about them before this.
I’m sure that this really sucks, but…
I guess the good news is that if ever there was a year to forget, it was this one. On the one hand, I would be so much better off if the last two years or so hadn’t happened to me. Unfortunately for me, forgetting wouldn’t be quite the same as having the bad stuff magically disappear. I would forget two or three really important things, possilibly doing something really stupid that would result in some health problems, and forget how to do all the stuff that I learned in ceramics class. But other than that, it would be really great. Anyway, this year you also had some stuff that you’d rather not remember, so maybe it’s just gone.
More good news for you, among the important people/beings/stuff in your life now are:
your dad, who always sounded like a really good person to have around anyway,
your dogs, who probably won’t notice that you’ve forgotten a lot of stuff, and if they do notice, they’ll probably forgive you very soon
and
your fellow sci-fi nerds, some of whom would think it is really cool to know a real-life MEMENTO person.
By the way, you’re head of a sci-fi club, so they might be looking for you. You took over from Jesse. If you don’t remember Jesse, he’s a little guy who seems to always have a big grin on his face, and makes a point of meeting every last person at a convention, so in any case you’ll probably end up meeting him again.
At last check, your mom and you were not getting along, so don’t call her for help.
And, lucky you, you wrote a blog. So if you really want to know, you can just read.
laughingatthesluts last blog post..And now back to our regularly scheduled program
12 Absurdist // Jun 17, 2008 at 10:01 pm
Tug:
It’s all individual. I didn’t know about the “not being able to create new memories” thing until I started researching it today. I thought I was going crazy when Wayne was telling me the same thing over and over. I know I am telling you guys the same thing over and over too; I just can’t remember what I have said and what I haven’t said. UGH! It’s only supposed to last no more than a few weeks. Let’s see how it goes. Some people ended up with permanent “new memory” dysfunction. God I hope that’s not me. I wouldn’t be able to work.
Robin:
Oh, I am sure that’s what I did before. The weirdest part of it is how much of your personality is tied into your experiences and memories. It’s like walking out with a clean slate and going, “Um, who the hell am I? What do I stand for? What do I believe in? What are my likes and dislikes? I have no idea.”
Winter:
Thanks girl. I had to go back and find the tax extension comment. LOL. I forgot I wrote it!
Finn:
If you think about it, part of my personality is dead, because it went away with the memories. So partly, it’s like being a different person… Kinda supports that whole “you don’t take your personality with you when you die” thing.
Wayne: This is why you are my best friend.
Penelope: Aren’t you having fun writing the same thing over and over?
Tug: Thanks. Once I remembered what blogging was (thanks to Wayne), I started to try to figure out what it was that I did and who I read… I will try to catch up on yall’s… Sorry I haven’t been commenting on yall’s the last few days. I am just still in shock and trying to function daily.
Slut: Thanks for the heads’ up. Thank god I was smart enough to get Tim to take over the sci-fi group before I went into the hospital. We should still get together for coffee, and of course I remember you. I heard that Fedcon got canceled though… Is that true?
13 Tug // Jun 17, 2008 at 10:08 pm
1. Worry about YOU.
2. See #1.
3. Etc etc yada
Catching up with our blogs, to me, comes in at about # 999999999999999999999999999. Take care of YOU.
unless, of course, catching up with us HELPS you with the memory. Then? Come on over sweetie, catch your ass up!
Tugs last blog post..The shock & surprise of it all
Come on man. You know you want to say something!