I am way too lazy today to go search for news of the stupid.  Sorry guys.  I haven’t slept well in two nights, and that just doesn’t work out too well for me.  I have to be very diligent about my sleep.  I may work 16 hours a day, but I sleep seven to eight hours, no matter what I have to do to make that happen.

I have noticed that I am not that funny anymore.  Of course, that is all relative, but I honestly did used to be funny and absurd.  I am not sure what happened to my sense of humor.  My brother even mentioned it last time I was in town.

I got my sense of humor from my brother.  He is hilarious.  I mean, just one of the funniest people I know.  My flaming gay friend John in LA is probably the actual funniest person I know.  God that man is funny.  He can say one thing and I will laugh at it for days.

I used to be able to make people laugh all the time.  The receptionist at my last job said I was funny.  I tend to make quips based upon what people say.  But I just haven’t been funny in my writings anymore.  I don’t feel embittered, I don’t feel “less funny”, I don’t feel more “serious” than I used to be.  I honestly don’t know what happened to it.

Maybe it’s because I have been through so many tumultuous relationships over the last ten years.  It’s been a tough road, and I do recognize others have had the same experiences.  I just feel to tired to be absurd anymore.  I hurt a lot inside these days.  I am perfectly capable of being alone.  It doesn’t even phase me.  I don’t have to have someone constantly there, and I do just fine in silence.  But I am tired of being alone.  I miss being touched by another human being.  I used to go six or nine months without any human touch; and I don’t mean sexual touch.  Even hugs, a brush on the arm, etc.  That takes a  major toll on a person.  It actually ages them.  I am incredibly lonely, despite the fact that I have lots of friends.  It’s just not the same as having a romantic relationship, affection, and of course, regular sex.  Even bad sex.  I miss coming home to someone, even though there are hard times.  I miss having someone in my bed to sleep next to.  I am irritated that I have to sleep with an electric blanket just to keep warm at night.  I have been sleeping alone for over four years, so I have noticed, in the very few times in those years where someone did sleep in my bed with me, I don’t sleep well since I am not used to having someone next to me. 

Yes, I think that’s why I have lost my sense of humor.  I don’t HAVE to have a relationship, and again, I am totally fine being alone.  I am not needy.  I am just so excessively lonely.  I do get out there; I do try.  Unfortunately, and I am being totally honest here, men  just do not find me attractive because of my weight.  When I am thin, I am very attractive.  I know, just like we all have hangups, I use my weight to not be close to people for fear of getting hurt.  In all of my relationships in the past, I have been devastated, and I am not sure I can really ascribe to that “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”.  I have never believed or agreed with that statement.  And not out of bitterness either.  I just haven’t found that to be true.

I would give anything to go back and not love the men that have hurt me.  I would give anything to have never been hurt by these men because I was vulnerable and I loved them.  I would give anything to go back and never have been with them.  I wouldn’t be sad at all if I had never been in a long-term relationship or never been married.  Then, at least, I most likely would not be so terrified of vulnerability that I harbor tremendous fear of being vulnerable around a man.  I have worked very hard of late to forgive myself for what I feel was my fault in all of my failed relationships.  I tend to blame myself for everything though, because I don’t feel worthy of a man.  I grew up with my brother saying, “Look Michelle.  It’s a fact of life that no man is going to want you if you are overweight.  No matter what the guy looks like.  You are just going to have to accept that fact.”  Or my mother telling me to chew my food and spit it out so I would lose weight.  Or my mother’s embarrassment around her snotty friends that I am overweight.  She even stopped inviting my SIL over for small get-togethers because she gained about ten pounds.  My mother has never had to work a day in her life to stay thin.  She has to eat 5000 calories a day to maintain her body weight.  I, unfortunately, got my dad’s side of the metabolism.  It doesn’t help that I have been on psychiatric medications for 20 years.  I actually have NO metabolism.  And I don’t binge either.  In fact, one of my biggest problems is that I don’t eat at all.  I get up, I drink a shitload of coffee, I look in the fridge and sigh, and just don’t eat.  I just get bored of food.  I’ll end up eating something at night, but it will be something like cheese and crackers.

Sorry this is so long.  I guess I needed to vent.  I know a lot of you don’t read long blogs, especially when they aren’t funny.  I just need to find my humor again.  I need to find a way to not feel completely worthless when it comes to men.  I need to find a way to feel like I am worthy of a man in my life.  I need to find a way to feel good enough about myself and believe that a man would find me attractive.  I need to find a way to be okay with loving again, even if I do get hurt.  I guess that last one is the most important thing.

Well, enough self-pity.  I guess I just needed to do verbal diarrhea today.  I just miss my humor.  I honestly did used to be funny.  Honest.  Ask Wayne.  He has known me for 12 years now.