22 years. The number of years I have now been sexually active. Doesn’t sound like a lot. But when you factor in the number of men I have been with, it’s a hell of a long time.
In my 22 years, I have been loved and I have been used. All of us women have. I just have a better idea of the ratio of love to use.
If you divide the number of men that have loved me, sort of, by the number of men I have been with, it comes to 5% love. The latter is a big fucking number.
After all the use, you would think I would figure it out. But hope springs eternal in the mind of a woman desiring to find someone to love. Not necessarily for the rest of her life; which would be nice, but just to find someone with whom to spend time. Compatibility.
So, I did it again. Hope sprung eternal. And like all the rest, I indicated in advance that I am not interested in being used anymore. I have been there and done that more times than five or six women in a lifetime. And lie he did.
So let’s take that ratio. Let’s say that three men in my life have not used me for sex. You can imagine that the number of men that I have actually slept with in my life is astronomical compared to most. I think that I have a pretty good idea what men are after.
I have been with younger men. I have been with older men. I have been with men relatively my own age. I have been with men with whom I have no sexual compatibility; I have been with men who are completely unavailable; I have been with men who are available.
Age has nothing to do with anything. You can be used at any age. 95 out of 100 men will lie to you and use you sexually. They will tell you anything you want to hear. And they will tell you that they do not want just sex.
Yeah, I know. We all know that. I hear the men. You know this about us, so stop bitching.
But let’s face it. If we look at my numbers, you think that my love numbers would be higher. You would think I would have gotten “lucky” in love with more than three men who wanted more than a sexual romp. Statistically, is it THAT possible that so many men have lied to me and used me for sex?
I guess that’s the truth. I gave it a shot. I gave it one more shot. I tried. Three men. My first husband, Jason and my second husband. Sort of. He just kinda fell off the plate the first day of the honeymoon and went mental. But I guess he counts.
I gave it the ole’ college try. God knows, by sheer volume, I gave it the ole’ college try. I think, however, that we only get that one chance to make it right. Unfortunately, that one person that I could have loved for the rest of my life was completely sexually incompatible with me. Let’s just say he was Catholic, and there was a smear campaign on sex that he endured growing up.
I can’t think of a damned thing I want to do in life professionally. I frankly couldn’t give less than two shits about what I do. I do it to pay the bills. And lord knows I hate it; I HATE the travel. All I want is to be around a caring man, who wants to be with me. A “nice” guy. I used to find them. But then, as I have gotten older, they have become fewer and far between.
I can spend the rest of my life alone. We all know that I can. I proved that, and live it every day. But coming home to nothing except my dogs every weekend isn’t much of a reward. I want someone with whom to spend my time; someone with whom I can share my experiences; someone who seems to help me feel like it’s all worthwhile.
I don’t think he exists. I honestly don’t. I don’t mean to sound down or bitter. I did indeed go through a two year bitter phase. Now I am just resigned to what men are.
What happened to the good ole’ days when men were actually interested in a relationship? What happened to the days when some of them didn’t lie, when you were flat out honest with them regarding what you wanted? What happened to the days where men appreciated women who didn’t manipulate them, play games with them, and were and are generally financially stable, independent, and can be alone without feeling needy? I thought that’s what you guys wanted.
I am confused. Not because I don’t understand men. I learned what you told me you were; what you wanted me to know. But then I found out you didn’t want the independent woman who takes care of herself financially, doesn’t nag, doesn’t play games and isn’t manipulative. You didn’t want the opposite either.
All you wanted was a piece of ass.
22 years, 60 men even. I think the numbers speak the facts.
6 responses so far ↓
1 SwanShadow // Nov 10, 2008 at 10:57 pm
I can’t apologize for something I didn’t do, Chelle. But I am deeply saddened by the experiences you’ve had, and the treatment you’ve received, and the very evident emotional damage you’ve sustained as a result.
But for what it’s worth, and whether you believe me or don’t, not every man is like the ones you describe. Many are. Perhaps the majority are. All are not. I’m reasonably certain that I am not. I know, and throughout life have known, others who are not.
I’m not doubting your experience. I’m willing to grant that 95% of the men you’ve been with have been selfish, manipulative users. But may I suggest that 60 men — while that sounds like quite a few in the abstract — is a fairly small sample size in a world that’s home to three billion.
It’s all in the pool from which you’ve drawn the sample. If you parachuted into a Supermax prison from another planet, you’d think all of the men on earth are vicious criminals. That pool, as you and I both know, is not representative of the general population. It’s specifically skewed to a certain male type. And while I know you haven’t spent the last 22 years in a men’s prison, I hope that you can be open to the possibility that you’ve parachuted yourself into a non-representative pool.
Consider this: We choose from the people we attract. We attract the people who respond to the signals we send out. If you send out the signal, “I expect men to use me,” that’s the kind of men you’ll attract. Sounds simplistic, but it’s true. If instead you send out a different signal — “I am a woman of value. I am not a doormat, or a doorknob. I am not a tissue to be used and thrown away. I have more to offer than just my bodily orifices. I have kindness and companionship and strength and laughter and encouragement and love.” — it might be worth seeing what you get.
For what it’s worth — and I only know you from what you write here — that latter signal is the you I believe exists. I think that you are both worthy of love, and worth loving.
Stay strong, Chelle.
SwanShadows last blog post..Hey, bud… let’s party
2 Tug // Nov 10, 2008 at 11:20 pm
I’m 47 years old, a grandma, and have had 2 relationships that weren’t abusive.
I may be alone the rest of my life…but I choose to believe that I won’t.
Believe.
Tugs last blog post..Breaktime
3 Penelope // Nov 11, 2008 at 3:19 am
I think SwanShadow makes a really good point. I know when I changed my attatitude towards relationships (ie. quit jumping in head first with my eyes shut) and actually started to be a bit choosy, I found someone amazing. (Well, so far he is.)
I also know that I’ve been guilty of making guys pay for the damage that the rest of their gender has done to me and maybe not always given them a chance. I have been on the receiving end of that too and it sucks!
Don’t give up! :o)
Penelopes last blog post..Yes, he is rather!
4 Absurdist // Nov 11, 2008 at 6:49 am
You all make very valid points.
Before I wrote this, I immediately determined that I have a pattern, and it’s my pattern; not theirs I haven’t figured out yet how it is or what it is that I believe that is causing the attraction of men like this, but please know that I believe it is my responsibility that I am choosing men that are like this. There are too many that have been the exact same way to indicate anything otherwise.
This week, as I do my CBT worksheets, I am going to work on this particular issue. Please know that I do not feel vicitimized. It came across that way, because I was down. I truly believe, however, that there is some belief I have that is attracting these types of men, even though it’s not my intention.
Thanks for writing that. It only confirms my belief.
Hugs!
Absurdists last blog post..So what kind of asshole ARE you, Chelle?
5 Evil Genius // Nov 11, 2008 at 10:46 am
Listen to Tug. She knows whereof she speaks. I had two huge relationship failures (one I truly loved and married who left me for a 17-year old, and the second someone who thought the earth revolved around me, only I just didn’t have that same “spark” for him). In between there were the usual suspects, many like you describe. My current situation is a marriage with about an equal mix of love and convenience. He’s a good person at heart, but he has psychological issues that cause him to - at times - be the worst person on I earth I should be with. But I’m here and I continue to stay, part because I literally have nowhere else to go and part because I know he is 80% of everything I could ever want in a man.
I’m not trying to say my choice is right or the best you can do, I’m just saying love isn’t perfect, but it’s out there. Be patient, and never give up.
Evil Geniuss last blog post..Hillbilly Pick-Up Lines
6 Robin // Nov 13, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Don’t lose hope, I know how easy it is. We never know which way life will go but maybe you just need to try to find a way to focus on yourself and making yourself happy. I find it is really hard to be loved when you don’t love yourself…and I do not. If ever my husband were to leave me, and I don’t think he would, it would probably be because of my self-hatred and that is sad. We only get one life, we need to live it for ourselves and find our own peace.
Come on man. You know you want to say something!