Yes, it’s time for 20Q Wednesday. And I bring to you the fabulous Super Shiny! He’s hilarious! He’s all that! He’s Jewish! He’s verbose.

Please do take the time to read the whole thing. He’s fricken’ hilarious! And fucking verbose. But it’s worth it. I didn’t put any comments in this one cuz it’s so long. And, as usual, the formatting sucks.

Supah Shiny

1. Why is your blog named “Shiny’s takeout”?

It’s a play on words. My old blog was simply “Shiny,” and when I decided to move to my own domain name my choices were a bit limited. As our family is a big fan of Chinese Takeout, I decided that this name would be clever. Other runners-up were Shiny’s Checkers, Shiny’s Fire Drill, and Shiny’s Water Torture.

2. You recently listed nine guys for whom you would switch teams. If you were to do all nine at one time, who would you “save it for”, and why?

As much as I hold all of these fellows dear to my heart, I think I would save it for a wild card as #10. I may not be gay, but I’ve always had this fantasy to shoot my spooge all over the face of Rev. Fred Phelps, leader of the Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, KS. And I’d tape it…

3. Since you are Jewish, and you don’t eat meat, including pork, does God love you more than other Jews from abstaining from meat completely?

You’re assuming that I’m on the same playing field as other Jews (and people) in the eyes of God. But I’m already a few notches below — thanks to decisions I’ve made in my youth, including stealing some magnets from Mrs. Spiegel’s kindergarten class; breaking up with Elaine Wright in sixth grade because she happened to be sick one day, and I was bored in school without her there; not recycling nearly as much as I should, etc. Besides — God would probably be the first one in line to enjoy a nice brisket on a Friday evening…<!–[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]–>

<!–[endif]–>4. Please write out the entire lyrics to one of your cheezy songs from childhood?

I wrote this one in tenth grade. Look out, Michael Bolton!

When I see us, I think
We’ll always be together, yeah –
There’s nothing to separate us…
A partnership in time
The past, the future and today

But it makes my heart break
To think that I would ever lose you
How could I ever find happiness
When I know that you’re not there?

We’re slipping…. Further and further away
We’re ending up…. Further and further away
How am I supposed to cope,
Without a feeling of hope
As you go…
As you go…. Further and further away.

<!–[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]–>5. You have REALLY weird taste in books and music. What is the weirdest genre of books that you read?

Street maps. When I was seven I got a copy of the ADC map-book of Montgomery County, MD. It was amazing — being able to determine exactly how to get from point A to point B, knowing exactly where each of my friends lived, and exploring the magesty of interchanges and ramps and bridges all over the place. The fascination grew — but the time I was a junior in high school I had bought two of those map books, cut out all of the pages, taped them together, and had a monster-sized poster of Montgomery County on my walls and ceiling.<!–[endif]–>

6. How do you say “bite me, you fucker” in Hebrew?

This was a tough one. Although I have a functional understanding of Hebrew and can get by relatively well in Israel, I’m not as confident with my conjugation skills. “To fuck” is easy. But “fucker?” That becomes more difficult. I’ve included a rough translation in Hebrew in the enclosed graphic.

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7. So, I have been reading about Kabbalah. I read all types of religious material, and have become fascinated with educating myself on Jewish stuff and Kabbalah. What is your take on Kabbalah?

As someone who grew up Jewish and undertook formal (and informal) Jewish education, I learned of Kaballah as a late interpretation of the spiritual/mystical side of Judaism as developed by some folks in the eleventh century. The teachings of Kaballah came from a book called the Zohar, which, according to some, would drive any reader under the age of forty completely insane. It was this mysterious interpretation of Jewish thought which fit with a certain community at its time. A community which was getting a grasp on different tangible ways to see religion. A bunch of tenth century hippies. Hell — if the Grateful Dead and Doritos had been around in the tenth century, I’ll bet nobody would have had time to create Kaballah.

Rather recently the notion of Kaballah has all but been bastarrdized to become a pop-psychology caricature of itself. The modern form which Madonna and Britney Spears followed has as much to do with Judaism as Christian Scientists have to do with actual science. It can be argued that Kaballistic practices are so far removed from mainstream Judaism that the origins of his form of Kaballah can’t be recognized within a Jewish framework

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8. You put “If I was a color, I would be #5F9EA0″. This is some kind of greeny-blue. Why? (PS, it was a bitch to find a he to color converter. Worship me.)

I already worship you. And the color is some kind of greeny-blue because there’s more of an absence of red light, giving it the hue of a “cool color.”

9. What the FUCK is a new world monkey?

It’s a monkey from the new world! Duh!

New world monkeys are mostly from Central and South America. What makes them so special and different from Old World monkeys is their prehensile tails — meaning they can use them to grasp on to certain things. Which is why monkeys with long enough tails can potentially brush their teeth and write a letter while spanking it at the same time. Lucky monkeys!

10. What is your favorite Jewish joke? Not making fun of Jews; making fun of someone else from a Jew-perspective.

This will be a long one; bear with me. (Chelle, NO FUCKING KIDDING. DAMN JEWS)

It’s the fourteenth century in the middle of Italy. There’s a Jewish town as there usually was — where the Jewish population pretty much kept to themselves. But with the increasing tensions of the Inquisitions across Europe as well as lingering crusades, the fear of institutional antisemitism loomed over the town.

In fact, one day the Cardinal of Italy came riding into town with a decree to banish all of the Jews from the area. He did agree to a preposterous challenge, however — a debate with one of the Jewish townspeople. But only in sign language. The guy really wanted to humiliate the Jewish town.

The townspeople were nervous: how could they succeed in a sign-language only debate against the Cardinal? Surely he was an educated man! Nobody could ever win against him! People were intimidated by the notion of this debate. Nobody stepped forward.

Until Moishe, the town’s shoemaker, stepped forward because nobody else would. Kind of a dullard, but what did they have to lose?

–

The debate was to take place at noon in the square in the center of the town. There was the Cardinal in his glorious robes and with his minions of followers on one side. And then Moishe the shoemaker, in tattered clothes, hovering on the other side. Suddenly it was time to begin.

The Cardinal started by pointing to the sky, and then the ground, and then waving his finger in an arc in the air. Moishe responded by stamping his foot on the ground. The Cardinal looked worried.

Then the Cardinal had an idea: he stretched out his arm and held up three fingers. Almost immediately Moishe held up one finger. The Cardinal looked even more concerned.

And then the Cardinal reached from under his robe — and brought out a loaf of bread and a bottle of wine — taking a taste of both with a big smile on his face. Moishe reached into his pocket and pulled out — an apple. He took a bite.

“Alright! Alright! You’ve won!” exclaimed the Cardinal. “You Jews can stay in your town!” The Jewish townspeople cheered.

–

The Cardinal’s followers huddled up near him at the outskirts of town — trying to make sense of the preceeding debate.

“At first, I wanted to demonstrate the superiority of God to these heathens,” said the Cardinal. “I pointed all over the sky and the earth. God is here, there and everywhere. But he stamped on the ground, reminding me that God is not in Hell.

“I then held up three fingers, reminding him of the Holy Trinity. But he held up one finger — reminding me of the indivisible nature of God.

“I then pulled out bread and wine and partook — symbolizing the way we are to consume the Host in commemoration of Christ dying for us. But he pulled out an apple, reminding me of original sin. It was then that I knew that he had beaten me.”

–

Meanwhile, the townspeople were rallying around Moishe in the center of the town — asking for his side of the story.

“Okay. First he was pointing all over the place, saying that we had to gather up from this town and leave. And I stamped my foot on the ground, saying that there was no way in hell that we were going anywhere!

“Then he put up three fingers — saying that we had to leave in three days. So I put up one finger — not a single one of us is leaving this town!

“And that’s when I knew I had won — because he took out his lunch, and I took out mine!”<!–[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]–>
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11. You seem to be a grammar queen like me. What do you think of the death of the adverb?

I don’t think of it tragically. (No. There is not supposed to be a comma there.)

12. What did you do with all of your albums?

Some of them still need to be packed up at my Dad’s house. But a good number of them are framed and hanging in the wall of my office. Mostly Asia and Yes album covers…

13. Since you wear gay shit like cargo pants, would you also consider wearing a fanny pack? Why?

No. Too big and fat to pull it off.*

* That’s what she said.

14. Since your brother is a Rabbi, how does he feel about your use of hookers when voting?

I can’t imagine he condones it, but hey — if we don’t use them for voting, think of what else we’d eventually use them for…

15. Ladytowns? Where did that come from?

An episode of “Private Practice,” the Grey’s Anatomy spin-off. The practice’s surfer-dude receptionist was studying to be a midwife and had to practice giving gynecological exams. And he was nervous as hell! One of the patience mentioned her reluctance to have him go to “Ladytown.”<!–[endif]–>

16. I have always been interested in the types of gifts that are given during the 8 days of Hannukah. We get Wii’s and all kinds of fun shit. What do you get?

This past year — mostly DVDs. Superbad. The Futurama movie. Kitchen Confidential. The remaining season of Arrested Development we didn’t yet have. No Wiis here…

17. Why is your wife called “socks”?

She was looking for a blog name that would reflect her personality. She decided on Argyle Socks because — well, they’re funky. And she’s also a whiz and creating sock monkeys. Argyle Socks eventually turned into “arrrgylesocks.” Not a fascinating story, I know…

18. I am going to a Seder on the 26th. What is a seder? I looked it up, but I still can’t figure out what they are going to make me eat. All I know is wikipedia says I am “required” to drink four glasses of wine. What’s up with that?

Just go with the flow and drink. The Seder is pretty much a drinking game unto itself. “Take a shot every time Aunt Sadie farts loudly at the table and doesn’t know it.” Seriously, though? The Seder is supposed to be so wacky and fucked up with such weird customs in order to get you to ask questions! (Well, mostly the kids.) It’s a whole “why is this night different from all other nights” motif.

19. Why is EVERY dish you eat have some kind of kosher/Jewish name, but all the desserts you eat are normal sounding? Don’t the jewish have ANY desserts with Hebrew names?

Looks like you need to get yourself some rugelach and hamentaschen…

20. What is your wife’s favorite meat? And how do you eat at McDonald’s at all when they don’t have kosher food?

My wife’s favorite meat is… well, mine. A close second is steak. Extremely rare. Like — still mooing rare. Our McDonalds experiences have pretty much been beverages only for the past couple of years.