Judge: “Will the defendant please rise? Oh wait, you don’t have legs. Nevermind.”
Judge: “Madame Foreperson, have you reached a verdict?”
Me: “Yes, your honor, I have.”
Judge: “ What say you?”
Me: “Me, the jury, find the defendant, Zicam, guilty of bullshit advertising.”
Well, at least for me, the Zicam experiment was a failure. In the beginning, I thought, “great! this is going to be good. It’s making my cold not so bad; even if it doesn’t shorten it, it’s great that it’s not so bad.”
Enter Monday. Monday started the demise of my sanity. I hate colds. They suck. You always wish that you could take aa pill and become comatose and sleep the whole time until it’s over. Anyway, that’s when I started running the fever from hell, and just all around wished I was at least in a coma. Still took the Zicam.
Tuesday; terrible day. Same. Never thought I could sweat that much without working out.
Wednesday: Decided to drug myself into coma and sleep all day. Figured that would be the only way to get over it. Told pissed off clients that I am dead to the world, apologized profusely, acknowledged that I am not making deadlines, but that I am not thinking clearly and would do horrible work. Thanking God for super-nice clients for once. Sleep whole day except to get up and drink water, OJ, let dogs out, take meds and pee. Sweat like there is no tomorrow. Turn down AC to 72. Never do that.
Thursday: Wake up, feel tons better. Shaking from too much sleep and lack of coffee over last three days, but that can be erradicated with caffeine. Feel 95% again. Let clients know I am back in land of living.
Zicam didn’t do shit. Now, maybe I was sicker than having a cold; I don’t know. Could be. But all symptoms point to cold. So, verdict: Zicam doesn’t work for me.
Now, I have to placate my dogs, who have had to sleep for three days with me, and have not had any fun. I guess I will give them new hoofies to go with the 800 other hoofies that are lying around the house.
Oh, and I have to clean the house for the maids for tomorrow. You ladies know what I am talking about. I don’t clean, but I do pick up, and clean the embarrassing stuff at least.
So to wrap up:
Last week, period from hell. Thought I was going to die.
This week, sick from hell. Wished I had died.
Two weeks I wish I could get back. Maybe.
Shit, the lawn guys are here. I need to go put on some clothes.
9 responses so far ↓
1 Wayne // Oct 4, 2007 at 9:55 am
hoofies are cool. Both our dogs devour them in no time. We had flu shots at work this week and I signed up but ended up not getting one. I’ve never had a flu shot before, so I don’t know how I’d react.
2 Poppy // Oct 4, 2007 at 10:36 am
If by ladies you mean Avi… He cleans for his housekeeper.
3 chelle // Oct 4, 2007 at 10:38 am
I will call Avi whatever he wants if SOMEONE CAN FIX THIS FUCKING Crystal SUBREPORT SO THAT IT RETURNS THE LAST PERIOD (WORK WEEK) WITH ACTUALS INTEGRATED!!!! TWO EXPERTS CAN’T EVEN FIX IT! ARGHHHHHHHHH.
4 chelle // Oct 4, 2007 at 10:40 am
BTW, my fever is back, my cough is back, and I generally feel yucky again.
5 Poppy // Oct 4, 2007 at 10:40 am
Solution: Stop using Crystal. Duh.
6 Poppy // Oct 4, 2007 at 10:40 am
BTW, stop going to work. Duh.
7 chelle // Oct 4, 2007 at 10:44 am
LOL. going to work for me consists of putting on underwear, walking out to my couch, turning on CNN, and pulling the laptop up to me so I can type…
And I HATE Crystal. I didn’t have a choice in this matter. God help me, I hate this crap.
I have to buy a new couch. I spend about 12 hours sitting in the same place on the couch six days a week working. The couch has had it…
8 Poppy // Oct 4, 2007 at 11:04 am
Then how the hell did you get sick if you don’t go out into the world?
Oh, right, you opened my attachment.
9 chelle // Oct 4, 2007 at 11:49 am
Well, I DOOO travel…
Last week, beginning of the week, I was in Pittsburgh. All of my clients had been sick.. Fricken’ clients. If they aren’t pissed at you, they are making you sick to your stomach.
Come on man. You know you want to say something!