What is life supposed to look like?  There are so many opinions to which one can subscribe.

 It is common knowledge that society dictates norms.  In each society, from third-world to first-world, expected lifestyles look quit differently.  Questions are answered by acceptable right and wrongs, dictated by time-honored experiences and beliefs.

 Many norms are dictated by the commonly-accepted religious beliefs of a society. These beliefs provide the foundation upon which a society can operate within reasonable rules where individuals can function together within a group.  So, the question is, where do they originate, how do they form, and how are they passed from one generation to another, and change due to the questioning of their practicality as times change?

Now, from a practical perspective, if one is to question the norm of a society, one typically looks at the society to which he or she belongs, as those are the rules pertinent to his or her life.  I am a questioner by nature, having been raised by a socratically-inclined father.  Therefore, I question everything, finding either further evidence to support the necessity of the societal dictate, or a lack of evidence that continues to unsuccessfully support current society, creating an opportunity for change.

In America, there are many forms of norm.  In fact, we are so fractured, that norm really does not exist.  Majority does, but by very small margins.  In fact, I submit to you that the “norm” is really what we desire; not the whole of what we achieve. So, let’s talk about societal norms that pertain to us; that is, those people who read my blog, which happen to be all American-born citizens.

Most of us want to marry, have children, live in a suburban home, and enjoy the comfort of family, friends and a good job that provides the necessities of life and a little more.  Others of us want to achieve considerably more financially, and have the same enjoyments as listed above.  Some of us pursue the same, but with the same sex. 

So, we attempt to find all of those things that we are taught are what “life is all about”.  As we compartmentalize our time to achieve each piece independently, we find little time to achieve each wholly.  We find that some of the things we are taught we must have must give.  What will you give up?  Time with your children?  Time with your wife or husband?  Upward mobility at work?  You give up something.

There are some of us who are a product of chance and circumstance.  We endeavored to find those things we covet, but failed the make the mark.  Some of it is our own fault; some of it was and is circumstance.  This begs the question, have times changed such that it is time to re-evaluate the dictated norms, to find something more reasonable that suits our society better?

The social right will tell you no; when time passes, that which they dictate is timeless.  We know how well that works.  The social left will show you to attack rather than to question.  Go against the grain to change society by sheer force and abhorrence.  Neither are effective.

That which we want is a private matter.  It cannot, or should not, be dictated by religion or the government.  Each of us strives for something.  Most of us accept that which we were taught is acceptable; some of us break those rules, because they either don’t fit, we couldn’t achieve them, or we think that they no longer fit within the society in which we live.

So, you may wonder, since my blog is all about me, where do I stand?  Since it is my blog, and it is all about me, :-), I will go down that road. 

I am odd, in that I choose to focus on other culture’s norms as well as our own.  As we globalize, this analysis will be increasingly important.  How we function with other societies will require tolerance of their norms.  We are failing to do that now, and have in the past.  The nature of man is to impose one’s societal beliefs upon another in the form of acceptance or annhilation.  I may not find comfort in the rules of other societies, but it is not my place to question.  Each society must find their way for what is right for them at a given point in time.

So how have I incorporated that into my life?  Why do I question other cultures, when I could so easily just focus on my own, like the masses?  Well, my reasoning is that I have failed to achieve that which is our norm, and I find solace in the fact that other societies do not “require” that I follow the path of the American lifestyle.

Some time ago, my Aunt moved to Mexico City.  Although I may be wrong, my interpretation of her move has become quite clear to me recently.  American society’s rules did not fit her well.  My Aunt happens to be a very interesting and quite intelligent woman; she is free in her own right, living by her own rules.  She chose a society where many cultures gather together, and one can live the way one wants, with relatively little interference by those who believe you should live otherwise.  I understand her choices and admire her for the courage to make an international move in order to faciliate her lifestyle choices and beliefs.  She is most assuredly her own person, without need for the approval of others to give her permission to live the way she so chooses.  My hat is off to her.

Okay, so I promised to talk about me.  I was “trained” by society to want to marry, have a family, have a career and otherwise enjoy the fruits of those endeavors.  I accept those desires, and have consciously chosen to apply those “norms” to my life.  I have failed, by the standards I have created for myself, to achieve that which I chose to consider acceptable and desireable.  I have married poorly, and have not had children due to those circumstances.  Therefore, I only had my career to focus on, and I have achieved in that respect.  I am quite lonely, and having “it all” without having someone with which to share “it all” creates a fruitless and unhappy life.

I am 34 years old; not old by any stretch of the imagination.  I am, however, at the mid-point in my life, finding time changing in terms of my options.  Therefore, the situation arises; do I change my acceptable and normal desires, or do I try to force the issue?  Did I fail to achieve on my own, or did circumstances have something to do with it?  I am sure it is a combination of the two. 

So, in my questioning, I have found that my desires in life have not changed, and they remain consistent.  Therefore, modifying that which I want won’t make me happy; I would only be changing what I want to fit my current life into its current situation.  For a woman, the beginning of all things familial begins with love. For a man, it begins with sex.  No questions or issues there; it’s a fact.  Nothing to be upset about. 

At the expense of showing vulnerability, those of you who think I am all about work, and have no time or interest in love and family are wholly mistaken.  I have spent a lot of time creating a persona that promises to you that my life as it stands is exactly as I would have it.  Nothing could be further from the truth. Questioning my life, under the guise of a mid-life crisis, I have realized how much time has passed, and how little time is left to achieve that which I have not achieved, regardless of the reasons.

Love is a tricky thing; as it is the foundation of all things familial for a woman, as stated above, we are a slave to both circumstances and men.  Women covet the relationship; men must be willing to comply.  Therefore, since we are the willing, and the men are those whom need convincing, they have the control.  Our only real source of power is sex, because a man responds willingly to it.  That’s not good or bad; it just is.

Now, let’s question love.  Are feelings created by thoughts, or do they have a mind of their own, so to speak?  Philosophy and medical science both will tell you that what you think dictates your feelings.  I tend to believe this, as all things start with what we think.  But, what do you believe when you get into a situation where you seemingly have no control over certain feelings that you have, and yet, somewhere in your mind, you know that what you are thinking is causing those feelings?  Is it true that if I just adjust my thinking, the feelings will go away automatically?  I think not, based upon experience.  Therefore, we are missing the boat somewhere.

So, if thoughts create feelings, but then, we lose control of those feelings, how do we regain control?  Some would tell you that you must go through the grief stages, and you will be healed.  Others will tell you that cognitive therapy, or, changing the way you think, will erradicate those feelings.  Who really knows the answer?  I know that I don’t, even though I engage in both.

This has gotten quite long, so I think I will pick it up later.  My catalyst for this writing is quite personal, but hopefully, will induce thought and questioning on your part.  More later.