For many years, I have been exhausted. Just plain tired. Not depressed at all. Just physically exhausted.
I have learned over time that when I feel the most exhausted, it is because I am supressing anger. It takes a lot of physical energy to repress pain, sadness and anger; especially anger.
Since I have been doing this my whole life, it’s become a commonplace feeling. I haven’t mastered the art of “feeling” the repressed anger and recognizing that it is causing my exhaustion. I do have an outlet for anger. Some people disagree with it, but it is the most effective way for me to get anger out. Most of us, when angry, want to “feel an impact”. I learned in therapy to hit a punching bag with a metal baseball bat. It makes a whopping sound, and it really feels like you are beating the shit out of whoever or whatever you are angry at.
Some therapists have people shred phonebooks, hit pillows, or use one of those boppy things to hit a couch. But it doesn’t really work, because you don’t get that satisfaction of the sound of a baseball bat hitting a punching bag.
Some people believe that type of behavior is unhealthy. I submit to you that it is imperative to get anger out. There is a lot of physical energy associated with anger, and that physical energy has to be exhausted. Otherwise, we use a lot of energy to hide it and hold it in, and we exhaust our supply of regular energy.
My problem is getting up the energy to go out and hit the bag.
I am very angry right now. Very angry. I left my new position because of a number of reasons. Mostly, I left because of breach of ethics and breach of federal laws.
I am angry because of that.
I am angry because I hate corporate, and have worked only for psychos my whole life.
I am angry that my mother is a total waste of space.
I am angry every time I see a happy couple, or a happy family.
I am angry that my Aunt has disappointed me by flaking out because of my mother.
I am angry that I am alone.
I am angry at all my past employers and previous managers.
I am angry at god. Yes, I hate god with a vengeance unparalled to anything.
I hate my ex-husband.
I am angry that things never seem to work out for me.
I am angry that my life has sucked balls, even up to now. I can’t even think of one great day in my whole life; a day where I can say, damn, I am glad that day happened in my life. Not even both of my weddings (well, not weddings, but the two dates of my marriage).
I am angry at life. I know, I know. The fact that life isn’t working out for me is because I am working “against the force”. I get that. It’s just that I have tried to work “with” the force for a year, and I have found nothing. Or rather, nothing has found me. Nothing gained. Nothing got better. I never felt a presence. I never felt love. I never felt a part of humanity.
Since I am not depressed, nor am I manic, I am left with trying to find out how to expel this anger. Part of me doesn’t know who I would be without it. Part of me wonders why I am cursed into this piece of shit life that has become mine. Part of me wonders why I can’t read Avitable’s card on the front, even though the font is Arial 2 point.
I have realized that I must get all this anger out of me before I can realize what it is I really want to do with my life; otherwise, I will spin in another circle of corporate hell. I am afraid, I am angry, and I am tired. Just plain tired. I don’t want to do anything; I just want it to all go away. I don’t want to die; I just want to go to sleep and wake up and be happy.
What is it like to be happy? When I started my job, I was soooo happy. It was my dream job. I would go home and have nothing to complain about. God, that was incredible! Then, it all went bad. I can’t talk about it here, because there are federal legal problems with the company, but just know that I couldn’t sleep at night because of my own personal breached ethics. I can’t work for companies that breach my ethical boundaries. I do have to sleep with myself at night, you know. Every goddamned night, alone, of course.
I look around at all of you; happy in your marriages, funny, happy for the most part. I envy you. I used to have a fantastic sense of humor. I lost it about five years ago. Even my brother mentioned that I used to have a great sense of humor, and he wondered where it went.
I am not bitter; I am just tired. I am tired of no happiness in my life. I am tired of constantly working for corrupt companies; more corrupt than your standard corporate environment. It’s like I am an illegal company magnet. You get your funding from Columbian Drug Lords? Oh hey, hire the absurdist. You get your funding from the middle-east? Oh, go hire the absurdist.
I am still at a point in my life where I can’t figure out the point of it all if no one is in it. You guys gotta think about this… No matter how difficult things can get in your relationship, there is always someone there for you to lean on and listen to you when things get tough for you. You are supported; you have someone there for you. When I come home at night, I have no support. I have no one to lean on. I have no one to listen to me. I come home, I watch TV, I stress out, and I go to bed, alone, on the six inches closest to the edge of the bed, and I have a king-sized bed.
So when you go to bed tonight, even if you are mad at him or her, thank him or her for being in your life. You DON’T want to be in my position. I promise.
9 responses so far ↓
1 Miss Britt // Dec 22, 2007 at 6:22 am
I wish I could say something that would make you not angry.
I WILL say that there are people who will listen to you. At least one - right here.
2 Avitable // Dec 22, 2007 at 8:35 am
I don’t know how I missed this post. I’m sorry that your company did that, especially after the huge promotion.
3 Poppy // Dec 23, 2007 at 10:43 am
I am not angry, but I am annoyed. So I am going to give you tough love because I think you respond better to it than the fluff.
We are NOT all happy in our marriages. Open your eyes to the between the lines and you see that a lot of people are barely holding onto their marriages or in the middle of getting out.
I know you’ve gone through a lot of hard stuff in your life, but I’d like to take a moment to try to be objective about a god. I don’t believe in a god, that’s not my thing, but I like to think for your sake that your god wouldn’t do this to you. Your god would test your strength in recovering from bad events, but I really don’t think he has a “let’s fuck with Chelle today” list upon which he writes things such as: give her a psychotic mother who threatens to kill her; make sure no one wants to date her; make sure she gets promoted in a company that goes against her belief system and therefore she becomes unemployed.
My best tough love advice: MAKE YOUR OWN GOOD DAYS. I have no reason to be having good days — about to be divorced, no life plan, my job is stalled and not moving anywhere despite empty promises, I have a pretty horrible relationship with one set of my parents. And yet I am genuinely happy from day to day. Sure, I have my low days, but I’m still choosing to be happy in life. Happy alone. Happy with the only person I can count on: Me. I am not looking for another person because that will either happen or it won’t. Why do I need someone else to make me happy? Another person would just be a bonus. It’s way more important to be happy with yourself.
Book. Anyway, point: Be happy, or at least pretend, and your life will follow suit. Or, be “happy” with being miserable. Also a choice.
4 Poppy // Dec 23, 2007 at 10:45 am
/tough love off
5 chelle // Dec 23, 2007 at 12:46 pm
uh, ok. What do you think? I am some kind of tard and actually believe that there is a god that punishes people discriminately?
I’ve been married twice. Very unhappily. I know what you are talking about, as I have lived it. And you need to remember to take certain blogs with a grain of salt. If this blog annoyed you, look at yourself; not at me. I tend to exaggerate, and write what I feel at a particular moment in time. If you plan on getting annoyed by spontaneous brain vomit, then you are putting yourself in an uncomfortable position.
Thanks for your input. It has been taken under advisement and put in the “um, okay, whatever” pile.
6 chelle // Dec 23, 2007 at 12:53 pm
oh, sorry, /bitch off
7 chelle // Dec 23, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Okay, Poppy, sorry about that. Doesn’t mean I don’t believe it, but I should be more sensitive to your statements, since you did take the time to try to give me advice, and I should at least appreciate that about you.
/actual michelle on
I understand going through a difficult divorce. I went through my second extremely painful divorce five years ago. Most people are not happy in their marriages; I will even go and trump you on that one. I also believe that each person makes their own good days; including those in bad marriages. There are reasons we go from good to bad; some we can’t control, others we can. I feel for anyone going through what I went through. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, except maybe my hairdresser and mother.
Like I said, I also submit to your statement about making your own good days. That is a whole and true statement. When I get into this type of mood, it usually centers around the fact that I am so incredibly lonely, and have been for three years, that it all just comes to a head.
You and I appear to be similar in many respects. The only difference that I can see between myself and you (and many others) is that you have the fortitude to stick with career paths (or lack thereof due to people lying) much better than I do.
I have indeed become jaded. I am lucky in that I am highly employable; but it can also be my downfall. I would not have quit this particular job if it hadn’t been for the illegal activities that breached my sense of ethics.
Additionally, since I have been coerced into signing false visas, and my ex-coworker was forced to place false job reqs on monster and dice to placate the INS, we are insecure about our status regarding potential federal charges. Therefore, I am under a lot of stress, because I now have to go to the Department of Homeland Security to proactively keep myself out of a situation where I have to prove coersion if someone beats me to the punch. It got to me.
You are right too about my making myself happy; not someone else. I get intensely lonely after being loney for three years. The first two years after the horrific divorce, I was just fine being on my own. I have indeed mastered living alone; I just get so tired of it from time to time; more often these days.
Are you healthier than me right now? Of course you are. But, like you, I have my bad moments, and my blog ends up being the place where I spontaneously vomit. I could keep another journal (and actually, I do), but I would be embarrassed to share that with you guys. I could keep the above to myself, and maybe I should. I feel like Britt does; sometimes she shares her personal troubles on the web. I do the same.
So, to make this as long as possible, yes, you are correct in all of your statements. I do appreciate the sentiment. You are right that I am someone who needs those types of statements rather than “oh poor Michelle, I am so sorry”. And I do need friends like you who actually care enough to write those types of statements.
So the statements from you would never go in the “uh, whatever box.” Except momentarily, while my pride tells me what a bitch you are. Then, about five minutes later, I realize that you are not a bitch, and that I am damned lucky to have someone who is willing to put it out there like it is.
I hope that you are subscribed to this, and you read my response, because this is an honest response, as the one above it is not. It is pride-laden, and somewhat hypomanic-laden, for which I apologize to you.
/actual Michelle off
8 Wayne // Dec 23, 2007 at 1:45 pm
Well I can at least relate to how hard it was to read Avitable’s fine print on the front of the card. And that I hate lying for a company - I once worked for a company who owed $400,000 in back taxes and expected ME to tell the IRS some made-up story for why they couldn’t pay it! They were extremely corrupt and I was extremely young and naive… good thing I made right choices back then and wasn’t swayed by people seemingly more experienced than me.
9 Poppy // Dec 23, 2007 at 1:52 pm
Seeeeeeee?! Tough love works! It makes you angry and then you start working stuff out for yourself. We teach ourselves through explaining to others. So, let it out.
DON’T censor yourself here. No one’s asking you to do that, especially not me. Your blog is your place to lay it all out there, as it should be.
I can understand after years of not being with someone steadily it can make you super jaded, but … I dunno, I really just enjoy being people’s light, being people’s life of the party, being people’s “lean on me” person. To me, deep friendships with people are way more important than a guy in my bed. This is something I’m learning through being alone. I’ve never really had the opportunity to be alone. I just always kept taking up with the next guy to come along, and now I’m realizing that I can enjoy being alone and being myself and having people love me as a friend for being that self. And if they don’t love me they can fuck off. eh?
I’m having my epiphany year. I just am. I dunno how I got so lucky so young, but I’m figuring out a lot of stuff and I wouldn’t trade what I’m going through for anything.
Have your epiphany. Do it!
(I have no idea how to make it happen, it just happened for me without me specifically trying, so I’m of absolutely no help.)
And, btw, I always subscribe to your comments, I was taking a shower and washing dishes and watching the end of my 8-part documentary after leaving you my comment so didn’t get your comment until after you’d cooled off from thinking I was just a fucking bitch. Sometimes I am a fucking bitch, but I promise this time it was just to get you to think out what you needed to think out about “why does this shit always happen to me????”
Shit happens. Without shit how would we appreciate the good stuff?
(Please, someone, make me stop.)
/no more advice from the Popstar.
Come on man. You know you want to say something!