I have a personal assistant. Yes, I know. I have no children, I have no husband, and my life is not filled with soccer, football, baseball, basketball, evening plays, parent-teacher meetings, blah blah. Bite me.

I have a personal assistant because there are about a gagillion things that I have needed to get done that have not gotten done. I am about to start traveling 100% again to Austin (god help me, and I am FROM there), and I have weekly things that need to get done. When I traveled 100% before, my weekends were filled with laundry, dry cleaning, going to the pharmacy, getting my car taken care of, and any other little crap I needed to get done. By the time I got it all done, and caught up on sleep, it was time to get on an airplane again. I don’t have the luxury of a spouse or significant other to help me take care of things, and I certainly don’t have time to cook. Hell, I don’t have time to walk out and get the mail. (Ironically enough, I have time to read and respond to blogs, and write blogs. Go figure).

Anyway, I have hired “a wife”. Not a “mife”, which I so affectionally call a man-wife. I am still looking for a 20 year old who wants to both have sex with me and take care of me, while I take care of him financially, but I figure that’s a bad solution, since he will sleep around on me anyway, considering the way I look.

So, yesterday my personal assistant started working for me. Now, I didn’t hire her full-time. She has a personal concierge and assistant service, and I have hired her up-front to do a ton of stuff for me. Then, we will go into “maintenance” mode and I will have my weekly, monthly, etc. errands taken care of by this wonderful person. This will free up my weekends to go on my imaginary dates and enjoy the company of others in my head.

Plus, it allows me to put in more hours at work, which is kinda necessary right now, since I have so much on my plate that really needs to get done as of last week.

She is the cutest little thing since sliced bread. Not that it matters, since I am hetero. She has the cutest little story too. She bought a house about four years ago, and married the boy next door (okay, he was an adult too). How cute is that???

Anyway, yesterday, she did my grocery shopping for me, cleaned out the old crap from my fridge (which means the stuff that’s been in there for four months and has become penicillin now, which actually, keeps me from having to go to the doctor). I gave her a list of all the unhealthy food I eat, and then felt guilty, so I put bagged lettuce and smoothie stuff on the list so she doesn’t think I am a total pig.

You know what she did? She not only bought me my groceries, but she cleaned out my fridge, tastefully displayed all my food in the fridge and organized my pantry Bonny-style (that’s her name). On top of that, SHE LEFT ME RECIPES FOR SMOOTHIES. I mean, what kind of service is that? Never had service like that. I mean, INCREDIBLE. It’s like she anticipated what I would need, without me knowing I would need it! I probably wouldn’t have made a smoothie because getting a recipe would have taken ten seconds out of my blogging time. SHE IS SOOOO AWESOME!!!

She was a manager at a Marriott. Since I am a Marriott chick, that was a bonus. But most importantly, I was so impressed that a manager of a Marriott would venture out on her own to create her own personal assistance service. Now that takes balls, and that’s the kind of person that I admire, since I am like that and you all know how much I admire myself.

She even did some things I was embarrassed to ask her to do, because I know it was totally beneath her. Let me ’splain, cuz you guys have bad minds. Okay, so my dishwasher has all this food at the bottom of it. Yes, I am too damned lazy to get it out of there. When I run my dishwasher, the heat cycle burns the food at the bottom and my house smells worse than it already does. She had no problems pulling that crap out of there. I mean, who does that for another person? She even told me that if that doesn’t work, she will have her husband come over and fix it. I mean, WHO DOES THAT??? She is even going to get rid of those damned boxes in my garage that have been there for a year (from when I moved in), and the two water logged boxes on my patio that have been there for six months. She is SOOOO awesome!!! I LOVE having an assistant.

I know many of you (maybe all of you) don’t live in the D/FW area, but if you do, I would walk, no, RUN to Bonny for help. I have been a firm believer in personal assistance for a long time, because our time is so precious these days, as other women in the workforce, and with children know. I mean, god, we can’t count on our husbands for shit, which is why I probably don’t have one; too much overhead.

So, now I have a platonic wife for hire, and it’s better than I could ever imagine. I come home, and all the stuff is done.

Oh, and get this; she is going to take my car to the place on Sunday early to get the oil changed, inspected and get two tires done. And GET THIS: She called NTD AHEAD OF TIME, made an APPOINTMENT, and gave them the tire names that I wanted TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY HAD THEM IN STOCK WHEN SHE WENT. I mean, my god!!! Who does that? She is INCREDIBLE!!!!!!

So, her company is called Out of Sight Concierge. PLEASE, PLEASE go visit her, check out her site, even if you don’t live in the area. You might find that you want personal assistance too.

Oh, and she has a maid who is her employee and cleans homes. They are cheaper than my current service, which I fired and then rehired. So it’s one-stop-shopping for me.

I LOVE MY ASSISTANT. Not in that way, but in the “you are the best thing since sliced bread” way. GO BONNY!!!!