Mid-life crisis, per Wikipedia:

“A mid-life crisis is an emotional state of doubt and anxiety in which a person becomes uncomfortable with the realization that life is halfway over. It commonly involves reflection on what the individual has done with his or her life up to that point, often with feelings that not enough was accomplished. The individuals experiencing such may feel boredom with their lives, jobs, or their partners, and may feel a strong desire to make changes in these areas. The condition is also called the beginning of individuation, a process of self-actualization that continues on to death.The condition is most common ranging from the ages of 35-50, and affects men and women differently. Mid life crises last about 3-10 years in men and 2-5 years in women, but length may vary in some people…”

I have been jesting for awhile about going through a mid-life crisis.  However, upon further reading, it appears that I actually AM going through my mid-life crisis.

In our twenties, we typically establish family and chase money and professional prestige.  In our thirties, we typically begin to look inside for more, tending toward spiritual growth.  I am going to surmise that the latter pushes us into the reflection that we have achieved only a portion of what we wanted to achieve, and are coming to the realization that only a specific amount of time is left to achieve the rest.

There are things I wish I had, and things I wish I didn’t have.  I don’t play victim, and I take responsibility for all things in my life.  I started reflecting on my life a year ago last January, trying to figure out where I have been, where I am, and where I want to go.  I realized what I wanted to do and what I wanted to be professionally, but I still hadn’t figured out where I wanted to be personally.

Maybe we all struggle with that.  I don’t know.  It’s not like I haven’t tried.  Why is it so easy to create a career, make money, but so incredibly difficult to create a personal life?  Why is it so fucking difficult? Did I miss the passing out of some kind of characteristic on the creation of a personal life?  Did I miss the passing out of the “someone wants to be with you” gene?  Did I miss the passing out of the “you have friends” quality?  What did I miss?  Did I miss out on the “you are valuable to someone besides what you provide financially and professionally and sexually” gene?

 Because I so desperately want a personal life, I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of by some friends throughout my life, for the trade-off of having a friend.  I never thought I was valuable enough to be someone’s friend because of who I am; just what I could give them.  And, that’s exactly what those friendships turned out to be.  I am lucky in that I have two friends that are true friends; however, the rest, well, those weren’t real friendships.  Problem is, I am not all that close to those two people anymore.

As those true friendships dissolve over time and circumstance, I find myself incredibly lonely.  I can go and do anything I want to do; I just don’t have anyone to do something with. I erradicated one friendship last year that was clearly one-way.  That was difficult.  I am in the process of dissolving another friendship, not of desire, but of necessity.  Once that friendship is dissolved, I honestly have only one close friend left.  The only friend I will have left is the only friend that is a part of my life because she values me; the rest, well, they just wanted something from me, and frankly, treated and treat me like pure shit.  It’s amazing how many people out there will find you worthless if you allow them to.  And oh, will they ever treat you like you are a worthless piece of shit, no matter how they tell themselves they are not.

I have also found that just going and doing things with friends doesn’t resolve the issue of a lack of a personal life.  That’s like sleeping with someone to cure loneliness; it doesn’t work.  So, hanging out and going to movies with friends just doesn’t make the difference.  That’s treating the symptom; not the cause.

So, in a mid-life crisis, one determines the lack, tries to figure out the source, and tries to determine the solution.  So far, the only thing that has come up from those with whom I consult is to “just go out and do things”.  Okay, did it.  Didn’t work.  What you just don’t get is that getting up every morning, alone, living your life alone, and having brief moments of doing something  with a friend does not provide the portal out of loneliness.

You who have spouses, families; you are inundated with stuff in your life all day long.  You couldn’t possibly know the flip side - four days without human contact, and the human contact you do have is the dude at the corner store selling you a Dr. Pepper.  You can’t possibly know what it is like to have no benign human touch for years at a time.

And so, as I realize how many people have used me over my life, and those that currently use me now that I must deal with, I am faced with even more loneliness.  Of course, what you are supposed to do is to go out and make friends that find you a worthy person, and will treat you with respect.  Well, it’s kinda tough when everyone has a family and children, you are 35 years old, no real prospects, and, as one person told me in my life, “No one will ever love you the way you are.  Sorry, don’t want to hurt your feelings, but that’s a fact.”

So, right now, I am very angry.  I am angry at those who have what I want.  I am totally pissed off at people with a spouse, a family, love in their life… Someone to wake up to, someone who is there for them no matter what, someone YOU CAN COUNT ON.  Don’t take it for granted; you have no idea what it’s like to not have that.

Life is so not worth living without someone with whom to share it.  I don’t care how much money you make, what you do for a living, or what you can offer to others.  If you have “no one”, you have “no thing”. 

And for me, well, I guess there is something during the mid-life that makes one angry and hurt.  And that is where I am.  So I could tell you all to go to hell, but that would just be pushing you all further away, now, woudn’t it?  And yet, I am angry at you for what you have…Not your fault… My issue completely.  I just can’t stand to be around it anymore.  I can’t stand to be around you who have families and spouses; you who have what I want.  You are just a horrific reminder to me of what I don’t have and will never have.

So I am sorry… I truly am… I can’t help how I feel.  I would tell you I will feel differently tomorrow, but this has been going on since last August.  So, the lesson is, as the demotivator says, “Your purpose in life may be to serve as a warning to others”.  I think I have found the profound statement I am to make in this lifetime.