Fortitude, (redirected to courage) as expressed in Wiki, is

Courage, also known as bravery and fortitude, is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation. It can be divided into “physical courage” — in face of physical pain, hardship, and threat of death — and “moral courage” — in the face of shame, scandal, and discouragement.

In the order of Maslow’s hierarchy, we move in and out of the various levels.  At some point in our lives, most of us find ourselves back on the “safety level” of the hierarchy.  Some of us encounter moving back to the physiological level in times of critical or terminal illness, etc.  Of course, many of our needs are continually met in the lower layers, like excretion.  But let’s not talk about poop.

Now I find myself back in the “safety” level of the hierarchy.  Hence the association with fortitude.  We are basically fear-based creatures.  We are motivated by fear; or rather, fear of moving down the scale in the hierarchy.  As much as you would probably like to say that we, as humans are enlightened beyond fear, I beg to differ.  Few of us has transcended the fear-based mentality that we all share and are motivated by pure “love” that transcendetalists and enlightened individuals have achieved.

At this point in my life, I feel the pain of perceived failure, both personally and professionally.  Whether or not I have truly failed in either realm is irrelevant; the perception is there.  The question I have to ask myself now is, is this a distorted perception of the truth?  Have I truly failed professionally?  You see, I have lived with personal failure my entire life.  I have never encountered professional failure.  Surely there are things I could have done differently to create a different situation than the one I am in now.  I could have made different choices in my past; finished my degree, expanded my skill set, detached myself from specific applications, etc.  However, those things are not relevant, as I am where I am in my life.

The definition above expresses fortitude in two ways; physical and moral.  I am currently facing both types of fortitude needs.  My physical surroundings are threatened, and my psychological needs are threatened.  So the question is, from a logical perspective, what’s a girl to do?

Certainly, an amount of depression is associated with facing complete destruction of one’s physical, professional and personal life.  In fact, a large amount of depression is due.  Then, a decision has to be made.  Do I die, or do I endeavor?

Well, to be frank, my “fortitude” failed me last week.  All I wanted to do was die.  I realized I was worth more dead than alive.  I would have preferred for my brother to have my belongings and money to help him rather than live the life that is coming swiftly my way.  I still think about this, because I know he could use the help, and frankly, my life hasn’t been all that easy or fun.  I tell my dad sometimes, “Dad, I can’t think of a single, solitary day in my life where I can say, ‘damn, that was a good day.’  “. 

But, I woke up this morning feeling better.  I don’t know why, because there is no reason for it.  For all intents and purposes, I should feel like dying in a swift and painless way, because I find myself a non-productive member of society.  It would be normal for me to continue to feel as though my brother would benefit a great deal more if I were dead than alive.   And I do still feel that, but my depression wasn’t as bad today.  In fact, I felt “fortitude”.

I discussed fortitude with my father briefly yesterday.  I told him that I just didn’t have the fortitude that other historical figures had; Abraham Lincoln, Einstein and the like.  However, I stand to learn a lot from those historical figures who have failed time and time again, and yet, endeavored with fortitude.  I would imagine that each of those individuals did feel a sense of great failure at one time or another.  I would be hard pressed to believe that they just had the fortitude to move through every failure without some sense of depression or fear. 

Interestingly, though, every time my life is presented with great challenges (translation, pain), somehow, some way, I end up on the other side.  Now, to be fair, I am sick and tired of pain in my life.  I am sick and tired of being nomadic, having to move for jobs, having no roots, no real home or family of my own.  This is not the life I imagined for myself.  But it is what it is. 

At the end of my life, when I look back, I can indeed see the risks that I took, and be glad that I took them, regardless of the outcome.  I have taken many calculated risks in my lifetime, and the outcomes have been varied.  Most, however, have been good, as my risks typically have to do with my professional life.  I took a risk becoming an independent.  I did great last year.  This year sucked.  There are a number of reasons why, and some were out of my control.  What I didn’t do, though, is follow through with my goals and dreams for the year.  Life presented me with the time and availability to do exactly what I had wanted to do; write a book, write lectures, explore my passionate side with respect to customer relationship management and writing fiction.  I asked for the time; I meditated on it, and I asked for it.  I received it.  And I didn’t listen, I didn’t use the time wisely.  But, it’s not too late.  Independents rarely have a first year like I did.  So my second year was sucky.  I put my eggs into one basket.  I haven’t used my time wisely.  That’s okay.  The year is only half over.  It’s not yet time to cut bait.  It’s certainly time to hedge my bets, but it would be a lost lesson for me to run just because I feared failure. 

I am projecting some major fears into the immediate future.  Loss of shelter, food, basic life sustenance things.  That may not happen.  Who knows.  I really don’t know what will happen in the next moment of my life.  As I write this, I could keel over, or Ed McMahon could show up at my house (although, that is unlikely, as I don’t subscribe to Publisher’s Clearinghouse). My expectations are the prime creator in what will happen to me next.  As I stay stuck in paralyzing fear, nothing different can happen.  All I really can do, and I mean “do”, is accept where I am, and do something.  Anything.  Anything I do can’t be worse than sitting in paralyzing fear.  Life can be a fantastic game; a rollercoaster, if you will.  Ups and downs. 

In the movie “Parenthood“, the grandmother makes the following statements:

Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn’t like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it.

Gil (Steve Martin) had just quit his job because he was passed over for partnership twice, and found out that his wife was pregnant with their fourth child.  He had recently made a comment, “My whole life is ‘HAVE TO’ “.  This movie is quite funny by the way, and if you haven’t seen it, I recommend netflixing it (I am trying to turn netflix into a verb, by the way, if you guys don’t know.  I think it ought to be added to the dictionary, like ‘googling’).  I saw it when it first came out, and it impacted me quite a bit.

So, Gil decided to “let go”.  The next day, his boss called him and begged him to come back to work.  His life certainly wasn’t perfect.  He wanted it to be, and had tremendous anxiety about what was wrong in his life with his children, his marriage, etc.  He endeavored to be the best father he could be to make up for the lack in his own father.  His son was in therapy for anxiety, his youngest acted like a total ‘tard, and he lived in a self-created world of fear and anxiety that things would not work out.  He feared that his children would suffer because of any mistake he made.  He learned at the end to let go and let life happen. 

I used to be terrified of rollercoasters.  I would not ride them.   Then, one day, I got on one, and told myself, “Self, I am going to let go and enjoy the ride.  I am not going to worry about whether or not I will fall  off, I will not worry about the height, or the loops.  I will just let go.”  And you know what happened?  I loved it.  I learned to let go.  I know that this is simplistic, but it truly is a great analogy.  Letting go of that which we cannot control (our future to be exact) is a major life lesson.  It’s really tough; and it’s even tougher to put into action on a daily, hourly, minute basis. 

Life is a game; risk is a must.  Failure is imminent.  Success is potential.  You WILL die.  So in the interim, you can sit on the sidelines and be safe.  That’s okay.  But when you take risks, remember that there is always an opportunity for failure.  There is also an opportunity for great success.  It’s the perspective that makes the difference.  In my current perceived failure state, is it really failure, or opportunity?  It certainly feels sucky, but it really is an opening to do something different.  I know that sounds cliche, but it is really true.  I certainly have the time to do something different now.  The only thing that would preclude me from doing something different is paralyzing fear.  And that, my friend, is a choice, not a mandate. 

I have nothing to lose at this point.  Doing something different isn’t going to change my situation today, and it isn’t going to bring in any money to pay the bills.  But that’s nothing different than where I am today, and the potential down the road just by having done something different is much better than having done nothing at all.  So, why not throw caution to the wind (at least in my mind), throw away the fear, and take a risk that has no consequences and do exactly what I had intended to do with my downtime?  Why not write?  Why not create my lectures? Why not even create youtube videos of my lectures?  What’s the worst that can happen?  They aren’t published?  Hell, I can publish anything myself. 

And to be frank, I never intended to attach myself to one company for this long.  My intention was to move into the customer relationship management expertise consulting arena as soon as possible.  So, since I have all this time, and no income, I might as well do something, anything, different.

Maybe fortitude is nothing more than realizing that control is just out of our grasp, and that doing something is better than nothing.  Maybe fortitude is just giving up the fear of the future, and doing something, anything, right now, and hope for the best.  Maybe fortitude can be simplified to “just letting go”.  Confronting fear, pain, etc. is a matter of assessing your current state, and determining if, at this very moment in time, I am truly in pain, danger, etc.  The fact is, at this very moment in time, I am not in pain, I am not without shelter, etc.  And I won’t be in the future.  There are too many people in my life that wouldn’t let me go hungry or live in my car.  And even if I had to, I could live in my car, and I wouldn’t die (provided I can find a place to park and sleep.  :-)  )

So, let the games begin, and may each of us win, as on Wheel of Fortune.