At last, for the first time in my life, nothing matters. I know that this sounds weird; scary, and doesn’t make sense. But honestly, nothing matters. And this is a very good thing.

I have spent my entire life in stress, fear, anxiety, terror, and for the most part, was not aware of it. I became more aware of it several years ago, when I started doing systems therapy in Austin. I learned how to stop and listen to the words in my head, the feelings in my body, etc. But then I moved to Louisville, and there were no systems therapists there.

Upon returning to Dallas, I started seeing my cognitive therapist again. It’s been about a year since I started seeing him again, but I have known him since 2001. I used to see him for several years prior when I lived here before.

You see, I learned something. As you all know, I have been doing a lot of meditating since the beginning of the year. I have been frustrated with the lack of progress I have been making. To me, it was a goal, like any other goal. There are time frames, you have to assess your progress, and if you are not on schedule, adjust accordingly. Of course, in my case, when I am not on schedule for a goal I have chosen, I choose to beat myself up AND reschedule or change what I am doing.

My fear has always been based in “what’s going to happen next?”, and I have always believed it is going to be bad. Something awful is just around the corner. And I think of the situations that I am in; financial, relational, professional, personal, and I have found myself lacking where I “thought” I should be.

As you all know as well, I spend a considerable amount of time “reflecting” on where I was, where I am, and where I wanted to be at this point in my life. It causes great anxiety in my life, fear, anger, resentment, and all those “negative” emotions that don’t feel very good. I was pissed off that my road to spiritual enlightenment wasn’t rectifying any of these situations, and I was pissed because I was trying as hard as I might.

Then I started reading a book called The Power of Now. I have been doing “A Course in Miracles”, but I have been having a lot of trouble understanding it in “human” terms. “The Power of Now” has given me a real understanding of what “A Course in Miracles” is trying to teach me. I just didn’t get it before I started reading this book.

And what I am learning is phenomenal. I stop. I listen to myself. As if I were an outsider, listening to the voice in my head. I feel the feelings in my body; in my case, mostly terror, fear and resentment. And I mean, I REALLY feel it. I can really feel the weight and pain in my chest, stomach, everything. I can feel the headache coming on because of the amount of crap running through my mind at any given time, and I didn’t find one damned good statement in my head ever. Not one. Only things like, “Oh my god, how will I pay my taxes?”, “Oh my god, what if I get no work?”, “Oh my god, I hate what I do”, “I dont’ want to do anything”, “I hate myself”, blah blah blah.

Now, in cognitive therapy, that’s nothing new. We are taught to journal about the things in our head, learn about our negative thoughts and emotions, and learn how to purge them, to rid ourselves of them, accept them and move on. And all of that is good. Very good. But in my case, 17 years of therapy, all kinds of therapy, hasn’t worked 100%. Don’t get me wrong; had I not been in therapy all these years, I would be dead. There is no question about that. I have gained tremendous insight into myself, the world around me, and have purged a great deal of anger and resentment. But there was more, and the traditional cognitive and systems therapy just wasn’t cutting it.

Hence my desire to move into the “spiritual” realm of my life. Many times in my life, things have felt “too real”… That feeling that one gets when one looks at oneself in the mirror, and it’s like, “Whoa, that’s too real” and you look away. Or, there is a brief moment in time when things feel wayyyy to real. You may not know what I am talking about, but I have had these from time to time. I usually run away from that “too real” feeling as quickly as possible, because it is way overwhelming, and frankly, scary as hell.

I wasn’t, and am not searching for that “way too real” moment anymore, but I remember them, and that’s how I knew that something was there outside of “me”. Now, don’t get me wrong; I am not a traditional Christian, and do not subscribe to any particular religion. In fact, I believe in “spiritual”, and believe that the church provides a social construct, and a set of rules by which to live. And that’s okay. Many churches have great sets of rules and belief systems. But I was searching for a way out of pain. The pain that wouldn’t go away through traditional therapy. I was looking for something “more”. I was tired of hating myself, hating my life, hating what I didn’t have, hating where I thought I should be and wasn’t, hating all the mistakes I had made, hating all the choices I had made; well, just hating myself period.

So, despite “my” best efforts to find spirituality, it wasn’t working. And I was pissed. I mean, really pissed. Until I picked up that book. And I realized that spirituality has always been inside of me. What my problem was is me. The “me”. The “Michelle”. The “Michelle” was the reason that I hated myself; resented my life, held onto the pain of the past. Because “Michelle” is the culmination of those things. What would I be without all of my memories? Who would I be had those things not happened to me? And that’s scary. It’s scary, because, when you want all those hateful feelings to go away, “Michelle” doesn’t like that very much. Because then who would “Michelle” be?

So I listened to my head. I felt my feelings. I have been doing this for a week or so. I hated it, but I did it. I felt how much I hated to think of not feeling that pain; not remembering that past mistake; not being frustrated at where I am today. Because who the hell would I be otherwise? Now, one thing I have to say is, that “observer”, the one listening to my head, feeling my heart and feeling the feelings in my body wasn’t necessarily me; it was me, because I was listening, but it wasn’t identified with “Michelle” the person. I could honestly feel the feelings, without judgement, and feel them. And god, were those feelings incredibly painful. Painful to the point of pure exhaustion. And they still are. But the difference is, I am acutely aware of them, but this time, without judgment.

So this morning, I stopped. I stopped judging. I just listened. I listened to the crap in my head; I felt the feelings in my body; the same feelings I have felt for a week. Those terrifying and extremely painful feelings. And god I wanted them to stop. I couldn’t take it anymore. And I didn’t judge them. I didn’t say to myself, “Why the hell do you still have these feelings? You should be far past this now considering how much work you have put into your spiritual growth”. Because I had realized that those statements were “Michelle” saying that to me. Another example of where I should be that I am not.

So I just sat there; I felt the pain, and gave up. I just gave the hell up. I realized that no matter where I am, I am going to want to be somewhere else. And frankly, I am never going to be anywhere but where I am. This moment, this situation. And then I thought, does it really matter? Does it really, I mean, really matter where I am and what I am doing? Because no matter where I am; no matter what I am doing, how I feel about it and what I think about it is exactly what “Michelle” is thinking about it; and that, my friend, is what makes that moment in time unbearable.

No “thing” that I do, no “thing” that I have has any intrinsic feeling or thought associated with it. I look at the TV; that’s all it is. Whatever I feel about it, whatever I think about it comes straight from my mind. My perception of the damned TV is based upon whatever I choose to ascribe to it. Is it going to be based upon what I learned in the past about the TV? Or is it going to be based upon something that I am thinking right now? The bottom line is, whatever you are looking at, whatever you are doing, what you think and feel about it is exactly what you are thinking about in your mind.

So let’s take my work, for example. Inherently, there is nothing good nor bad about my work. It just is. So what’s going on in my head that makes me not want to do it? What makes me lethargic about it, put it off, and hate it so much? What am I associating with it that is causing me so much pain? Well, hell, I don’t know. I tried to figure it out. I tried to journal about it, and figure out what’s behind it, so I can “process” it and make it go away. Then I realized, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, because it is what it is. This is going to be very hard to explain.

What I feel and what I think at any given moment in time is based upon some past experience that I have committed to memory. I know the TV is the TV, because it was the TV for as long as I have known it. So I get up, turn on CNN, and expect CNN to be on, because it’s in my memory as always having been that way. If I had no memory, I would wake up each morning, look at the TV, and say, “what the hell is this thing?”. So I realized that when I do something or look at something, some past experience and committed memory is what causes me to think a certain way about it; perception, if you will. I think about my work; I hate it. Okay, something that I have committed to memory is making me hate it. So I avoid it, because I dread doing it. My perception of my work is based upon something that I am drawing from my memory. That’s okay; that’s normal. That’s how we function in this world. Without some kind of memory, we would get up each day and not even know what the bed is or how to get out of it.

But what of those things about which I feel so awful; feel so much pain? I mean, right now? What am I doing? I am ascribing some past experience and feeling to it. Well, should I be doing that? I mean, the perception that I have of something, good or bad is definitely going to be based upon something from my past. Because I have no other relation to compare it to. Hence judgment. Okay, I hate my work. That’s a judgment, because I either hate it or like it, or am ambivalent. But frankly, my work just “is”. There isn’t anything attached to it; nothing real, anyway. Only some feeling or thought from my past that is creating my “hate” for it.

Therefore, no “thing” matters. It just “is”. How I perceive it is my choice. I can use my past experiences and feelings, or I can choose not to. Herein lies the “hard” part. How does one “not” use the past experiences to associate to a “thing”? Well, frankly, I can’t. Because who I am, Michelle, is completely made up of those past experiences and feelings. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I mean, thank god when I get up in the morning, I know that the floor will be there, the TV will be there, and I know what it’s for. But what about the rest of it? I mean, the bad feelings? The hating of work, life, blah blah blah? If “Michelle” is ascribing all of those feelings to some “thing”, then there must be something that can help me not ascribe those feelings to it. As Tolle put it, and I am going to botch it here, “I got sick and tired of myself. I told myself I can’t live with myself anymore”. He realized that, if he had told himself he could not live with himself anymore, then there must be something, some other part of him, that was the “one” that said that statement. And that was when he realized the duality of life. We have our ego; that is who we are; that is “Michelle”. Then we have another part of us; the part of us that says things like, “I can’t live with myself anymore”. I mean, who would say that? Me? No. It has to be something else in me that was saying that. Some part of me that I don’t connect to, or even realize is there.

And that’s the part of me that is not associated with the past. That’s the part of me that says, “Enough already, let’s stop thinking about the past. Let’s think of something different; or nothing at all.”. And it is that part of me that I am trying to find so desperately. It is that part of me that says that I am okay just as I am. That this moment in time is just fine. There is nothing wrong or good with this moment; it just is. Tomorrow never comes, and yesterday already happened. All yesterday is is just a bunch of memories committed. And it is that part of me that I rely on to disassociate myself with the past. It is that part of me that looks at work and says, “Okay. This is work. Nothing more, nothing less. It has no intrinsic value, other than the fact that it exists. Now, how are we going to feel about it; what are we going to think about it? Are we going to use some past feeling or thought to hate it? Or are we going to accept it as it is, and nothing more?”. This is when I realized that it doesn’t matter what, exactly, is causing me to feel a specific way about something. What difference does it make, when I don’t have to associate anything from my past with it, just by listening to that part of me that doesn’t associate with the past?

I have always told people, “When you find yourself under a mountain, don’t dig up; dig sideways. It is the fastest way out from under the mountain.” I have always believed that too. I just didn’t know how to do it. And now I do. I don’t have to dig up through the past memories; I don’t have to figure out why something happened one way or the other. It just did. And my memories is the mountain. I don’t have to go back and relive what happened to me to make my way out of it. I just have to dig sideways; figure out a different way out. And once I am out, the mountain is off to the side of me, and I am no longer under the mountain, but free with no weight on top of me.

All I had to do was realize that all I have is this very moment in time, and what I ascribe to it is my choice. But “Michelle” is always going to ascribe something from the past, and for me, it’s almost always going to be something painful and negative. So, no “thing” matters. Where I will be in ten years doesn’t matter. Because all I have, at this very moment, is indeed this very moment. And once the moment is gone, it is committed to memory, and is no longer. All I have left are the memories. And I don’t have to associate with them. Anymore. I don’t have to ascribe value to anything I don’t want to. I don’t have to tell myself I am not where I want to be. Because all I can be is where I am. And, to be sure, I have to be dilligent to ensure that I am not still sitting here in pain about where I am not. And that takes practice. But the bottom line is, “michelle” is always going to think of whatever is in front of her with some condition from the past; a judgment, good or bad. But me, this thing inside of me that isn’t “Michelle”, doesn’t ascribe a damned thing to what’s in front of me. It’s a matter of choice. And it’s a matter of surrender. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being in pain. “Michelle” can’t make that pain go away, because all “Michelle” is is a bunch of memories and experiences. So, in order to disassociate from those memories, and think of exactly where I am as it is, I have to associate with that other part of me that is not Michelle. And again, that takes practice. But that’s how you dig sideways out from under a mountain.