Today, I honor my blog Mommies with quotes about motherhood. If I missed you, I really do apologize. I can’t remember everyone that has kids, and I really didn’t mean to leave you out. Please forgive me.

BluePaintRed

“Have you ever been so proud of someone it made you cry?” (About Rainbow Man)

Finn

“And I hope that my influence, my guidance, and my blood, sweat and tears will shine through in the man he will become.”

Kyra

“You are young, but not as young as you were just yesterday. Today, you turn five years old and I am as in love with you now as I was all those years ago. You have given me so much… so many smiles and giggles, hugs and pride. I cannot believe how lucky I got. I am so very honored to be your mama.”

MetalMom

The “previous” button doesn’t work on MM’s site, so I had a hard time finding a quote from her about her children. But, as testament to her motherhood, I have quoted from her daugther’s post on her site:

“I love her to bits. We have tons of laughs when we are together. We like to eat out, play scrabble when we just stay in, and we like to tease Dad. When we shop together, I forget how much I hate to shop. She is highly intelligent and so very generous to everyone she knows.”

MsBatman

I am having trouble, because her kids are older, but I know she is a great mom.

Penelope

Damn, ladies. Some of you are hard to find quotes on, so please leave a quote in the replies, if you feel compelled. But Pelenope is an awesome mom too.

Shelli

“I am so proud of her. Generally speaking, she makes good choices and is a really good kid. She is very intelligent, talented, beautiful on the inside and outside and is very philosophical and empathetic. To say that I love her very much would be an enormous understatement. There aren’t words to describe the love a mother has for any of her children. In my vocabulary, anyway. Maybe I should make some up.”

Sue

“I love my kids. I love my daughter. I wish I was the one carrying this burden, so she wouldn’t have to.”

TSM_Oregon

Again, couldn’t find one, but I know she is an awesome mom.

Tug

1. 1. I’ve been called obsessive in regards to my grandchildren. I don’t care.
   2. I have their footprints (from their baby books), names, and dates of birth tattooed on my lower back.

Wayne (yeah, I am chick’ing him out)

“Man, I love him.” (about his son.)

Winter

She’s a great mom too. She creates a blog for her daughter, spends time with her, and loves her to death!

Miss Britt

“Emma will make your heartache with sweetness and her pixie voice.”

Today, I am going to switch gears. I want to honor good mothers everywhere.

Mother’s Day Letter

Mothers, thank you so much for feeling honored to have your children. They are priceless, and our future. You give your entire life to growing these mold-able minds to lead us as we age. When their time comes, they will be the great leaders, scientists, and smart workers that you raised them to be.

Thank you for showing affection.

Thank you for the hugs.

Thank you for wiping away the tears, soothing the booboo’s, and giving copious kisses.

Thank you for reading them books at night.

Thank you for fighting to get the homework done.

Thank you for keeping them safe.

Thank you for creating safe social environments for your children.

Thank you for teaching them values, honesty, and confidence.

Thank you for making the decision to raise your children above all. We are now in a situation where some of us can finally choose to stay home full-time with our children, and I am so glad that the fighting between corporate women and stay-at-home moms is over.

Thank you for the peeping in on the kids at night, looking at them lovingly, and knowing that you would do anything, anything, to protect your child.

Thank you for telling your children often that you love them.

Your children are MY future. I want you to know that I realize this. I will be managing your children someday at work, and you are providing well-balanced children that will make my life a whole lot easier. When I am in AARP, your children will have our best interest at heart, they will be making massive changes in the world for the good. It is your children’s generation upon which I have the most hope.

Thank you, good mothers everywhere. I honor you today.

I enjoyed writing yesterday’s post so much that I decided to dedicate this week to Mother’s Day posts. Yes, I missed Monday, but I still have excuses.

So, while meditating (which really means taking a nap) I thought about the disowning issue. I realized that disownment is nothing more than the following:

“Retroactive Abortion”.

So, from now on, I will call disownment “Retroactive Abortion”.

The other thing I realized is that the name “Mother’s Day” implies neither good nor bad. So that means that it’s actually open season on mothers everywhere. So, this week, I will pay homage to my mother.

Today, we examine the justifiable reasons for disownment, from my mother’s perspective. Remember, these are the opinions of a dangerous and crazy person; not your normal everyday human being. I have actually been retroactively aborted many, many more than four times, as I mentioned yesterday.

A story before I give you the list:

I have a running joke about my mother’s will(s). I always say that she has about six wills in rotation that she capriciously re-executes depending on who is in and who is out on a daily basis. There is michelle-good, brother-bad, michelle-bad, brother-good, michelle-bad, brother-bad, and everything-goes-to-my-dog-she-stole-from-me will. I can see it now. “Hey Joe (their lawyer), can we re-execute will 2.02? Michelle is pissing me off, but her brother is sucking up to me this week.”

Michelle’s Mother’s Reasons for Retroactive Abortion:

Never drive after 9 p.m.

It is against my mother’s beliefs that a woman should drive after 9 p.m. for safety reasons. Therefore, she decided that if I were in a serious or mortal accident after 9 p.m., she would not go to the hospital or make any effort to assist me.

Having a mixed-race child is the equivalent of animal cruelty.

There came a time when someone in my family dated a black person. My mother was “okay” with that (but very racist behind their backs), but determined that retroactive abortion would be instituted permanently if the two married and had a mixed-race child. She equivocated a mixed-race child to the same as animal cruelty, as if the child were the animal.

You must make at least six figures annually by the time you are 30 years old.

Although my mother worked very little in her life, she is extremely intelligent. I mean, weird smart. But, she learned how to take advantage of her husband to live the social life, and then married well the second time. She requires that her children climb the corporate ladder so that she has something to be proud of when talking to her friends. If we fail to meet this criteria, she instead rips us to her friends. As long as we work corporate, climb the ladder and make six figures, we are one foot in the hole to being in the will.

You may not be fat at any time.

My mother is 5′10″, olive complected, long-ass nose, frizzy hair, and very skinny naturally. I don’t even think I came out of her vajayjay. She is extremely prejudiced of overweight people (she’s a total bigot about everyone; especially race); even by 10 or 15 pounds. She will not befriend any woman who is overweight, and she excludes me from her socializing except to work as a “servant” for her parties. When my SIL gained ten pounds, my mother stopped asking her to attend her social events. When I was younger and fat, my mother used to make me chew and then spit out my food to try to lose weight. I was like, eight years old.

You may not, at any time, adopt another person’s child.

My brother has a totally awesome wife. I love her with all my heart. Her daughter (I call her my “real” niece) is the most awesome kid in the whole world. Unfortunately, she has no real father to speak of, even though he exists. Should an adoption occur with my niece, my brother will immediately be written out of the will permanently because my mother does not want her money going eventually to a person that is not of blood.

Loyalty is absolute. There are no alternatives.

My mother has a saying: “I do not expect love. I demand loyalty.” She runs the family like a mafioso family. The most important thing to her is to make everything about her, no matter what she does in her life. No other individuals are allowed to take any sun away from her. She will make every situation you are in about her. I was told that my responsibility at her death was to be there holding her hand, and that my brother’s responsibility was finances. If I failed to comply, she would never forgive me. My statement back to her was, “I will never do anything for you out of loyalty; only love.”

Suffering

My mother told me on several occasions that the role of a mother is to “make her children suffer so that she knows her children will do anything that they need to do to make it in this world under any circumstance.” Therefore, my mother has spent a lifetime (well, her children’s lifetimes) creating situations of great suffering in order to “toughen us up”. She watches our responses, and if we fail the grade, we are removed from the will. She continues to create suffering, hoping to “grow us into people that can handle any circumstance.” No, I am seriously not kidding on this one. Any situation that her children get into where we need help, we are completely rebuffed and told that we made our bed and we need to lay in it. Even if that means sleeping on the street; which, by the way, I have done many time because she was unwilling to help me.

In Conclusion

There are so many more, but that’s a good start. So the next time you think about your mom, make the comparison. Did she beat you as a child daily? Did she abuse you verbally and emotionally? Did she beat your head into a car over and over? Did she try to kill you with a shotgun? Did she put you out on the street multiple times between the ages of 14 and 16 where you had to sleep on the streets? Has she ever left you far away from home, kicked out of the car, too young to find your way home? Did she drink every night, play the piano at 2 a.m. and vacuum at the same time, and then come into your room, wake you up, puke all over you and beat you?

If not, please, please honor your mother this weekend. I would give anything in this world, every possession I own, change the affluent community in which I grew up just to have my mother hug me and tell me she loved me, hold me when I hurt, and be there for me when I need to talk. And never say to me, “Well, at least you have a mother; mine is no longer alive. Or, I never had a mother.” Trust me; I would be much more well adjusted had I no mother than endure what my mother did to me growing up and continues to do to me this day.

Thank god she told me that her life is too busy to have me in it right now. It’s been relatively quiet, and that’s been really nice!

I received an email a little while ago from a lady (I will keep her anonymous) regarding Edward Chatzi, the guy that was a scammer.  I was soooo glad she wrote me.  I felt a great kinship to her, knowing that the same man tried to take her as he tried to take me.  Below is the email she sent to me, but I have omitted some things for her privacy.

“Hi my name is XXX. I found your blog by accident but wanted to email you and let you know you are NOT stupid. I was also dupped by the supposide Edward.. I met him on Chemistry and we started communicating in February. At first it was slow and then began to pick up when I switched over to Yahoo messenger. We chatted everyday, but actually only spoke on the phone 2-3 times.

I, like you, researched to make sure his story was legit regarding being in Scottland, ect. He sent me photos of himself and his supposide daughter Jessie. From the first conversation we had over the phone I began to get a bit leary but he always had a great response.. He lost his temper with me on the first call as I was not willing to devulge too many details about my life over the phone. He told me he would be coming back to the Ft. Worth area in 3 weeks (around Easter) and wanted us to spend time together and get to know each other better. For me to meet his daughter and that he was in this for the long haul as he wanted to quite traveling so much and have a stable home for Jessie. Told me he had cut off communication with the other woman he had been talking to in order to focus on us ( I NEVER believed that one!). Reading your blog I figure we were talking to him at the same time..

We spoke on the phone for about 1 hour the first time and then went back to IM’ but I could never get out of my mind that for a guy that said he was part greek and english with an english accent, that he actually sounded more South African to me. I never told him that, but it was my gut feeling. I continued to chat with him as I could always verify his “stories”. Sometime in March he called me from what looked like a (local) number and I was thrilled when I answered and heard his voice. I thought he had flown home.. instead he gave me the song and dance that he was on travel down in Africa and that he had emailed me that.

When I said no you did not, oh must be the other woman.. he got upset.. To make a long story short I was on my way to work so he did not really want to talk while I was driving said he wanted to make sure I was safe. (I believe he was calling to give me the request for money scam) Instead I questioned him on when he went to Africa and what the hell.. he told me the date and I remembered that was suppose to have been the same day as Jessie’s 10th birthday.. I confronted him and he got upset and hung up.

I did not hear from him for several days and was so confused. During that time I had a friend pray with me about discernment on this and that night saw a show on dateline NBC regarding dating scams. It specifically talked about the Republic of Benin ect.. and how to ping the IM address to see where their computer is located. I remembered that Ed had sent me a couple of real emails and so I did this. Go figure the computer was in Cabridge, UK not Aberdeen Scottland..

The very next day he IM’d be to tell me he missed me.. yadayadayada.. I was on to him so I played along and said I missed him also and asked exactly where he was. He replied the Republic of benin. I then proceeded to send him a “lovely” message about him being a total scam artist and liar, to quit wasting my time and the only way to prove to me he was real was to go to webcam with me right then and let me see him face to face. He of course refused and said that he had nothing to prove.. I shot back a few things to show him I knew he was not really the person in the photos and he bascially kept trying to see if it was really over. I have not heard from him since then, and reported him to Chemistry and match as he was also listed on there. They investigated and Match removed his profile. I do not know what Chemistry did as they said they could not locate his account, but I still sent them what I had to make sure they followed up and got him off.

I never sent him any money but do believe the day he called me it was to ask for financial assistance. I did lose alot of time and was emotionally upset over it. Truth is YOU are a woman of strength and do not nock yourself. I was sick to think that the man in the photo and the daughter are just victims being used. I sent him photos of myself and my neice and nephew and have to tell you I am sick over the fact that they now have that to use to dupe someother innocent person. Well all I can say is what goes around comes around and he will one day have to account for what he is doing and has done.

I just wanted you to know that there are many of us I am sure. I did not find the sites you spoke about showing him as a white african male. Did you ever see a live feed of him? I only had some photos and when I asked for more he said that was a girly thing and he did not have any more to send.”

I am not sure if you know, but Mother’s Day is this Sunday. Of course, if you have been watching TV at all, there is no way you could have missed this fact.

I am very disappointed with the consumer guilt market, otherwise known as “made-up-holiday-for additional-sales” market. The retail stores from which we have to choose Mother’s Day gifts only reflect one type of mother. And, as we all know, the type of mother that they pander to is rare indeed.

Let’s review:

Kay Jewelers:

Myra the baby takes the car out for a drive, goes to Kay Jewelers and buys her mother a tennis bracelet. Somehow, she is able to obtain credit and make the purchase. The husband presents the tennis bracelet while they are taking a walk with Myra in the stroller. The man indicates to the woman that Myra did take the car out and applied for credit to make the purchase. The mom thinks that this is wonderful, and applauds her husband for her daughter’s choice in jewelry.

My experience:

I give my inherited diamond from my mother to my SIL for her wedding to my brother, because money is tight and they can’t afford an engagement ring. My mother takes credit for the decision, and tells my SIL and my brother that it was her idea and that the diamond came from her. Thank god that they knew the truth.

Jared’s Jewelers:

A man takes his girlfriend (no indication that she is a mother, so I assume she had one at some time and gave it up for adoption) to a very nice restaurant. He presents her with an ugly-ass gold chain something or other. It’s looped. Couldn’t he have done better than that? A tennis bracelet would have been much more awesome. Appropriately (NOT) she takes a picture of the bracelet and texts her friends with a picture of the bracelet. Her friends are awe-inspired and text back a picture asking if he has brothers. First of all, if they are her best friends, they KNOW if he has brothers or not. In fact, they know everything about everything he does in bed, all his faults, and all his quirks.

My experience:

No man has ever given me jewelry. Every nice piece of jewelry I have bought I have bought myself.

TJ-Maxx

Advertises a teddy that you can buy for mom for $38 at the department store, but you can get for about $18 at TJ Maxx. First of all, this is MOTHER’S DAY. Not Valentine’s day. Can you imagine the horror of a mother receiving a teddy from her children? Plus, I know a lot of you out there are MILF’s, but wouldn’t you rather have a whole day off from your kids rather than getting a present that ultimately, is really for the pleasure of your husband, or man with whom you are having an affair?

My experience:

My ass is WAY too big to get into a teddy. They exist for women of size, but it just doesn’t work out that well, despite what Tyra Banks says.

Hallmark, or some greeting card company:

A bunch of teenagers are sitting around trying to figure out what recording to make for this girl for her mother. The card allows you to make a recording and attach music to it. She tries something cheezy, but ultimately goes with one statement: “You are awesome”, and then “You’re Unbelievable” plays out of the card. Now, the mother is at some kind of family dinner, and the daughter is not there. The mother cries. The grandmother says “that is awesome”. The mother says, “I know”, as she tears up. I guess the daughter is off at college, even though the room that she and her friends are in is huge and looks like a childhood home bedroom. Was she too busy having a sleep over to go to the dinner thing?

My experience:

My mother has not contacted me, and has disowned me about 4 times by now, revamping her will to reflect the same. She has been using me as a tax shelter (back when it was legal) for money to “be used for going to college” which never came to fruition. I have her remove the money from my name, because I was being used since I was six as a tax shelter, and was signing tax returns since that age to make her richer.

Some Company, I never know what it is because the commericial is so appalling to me:

A montage of the wonderful things that the mother has done through the years is shown. The one thing that sticks out in my mind is a situation where the daughter, a teen, gets into the car, starts crying, and says “Oh mom!” and cries. Her mother reaches over to the passenger side of the car and hugs her daughter to support her in her pain. Uh?

My experience:

My mother has never hugged me or held me or told me she loves me, except once under duress by my father (very recently). My mother told me in February that her life is too busy to have me in it.

What’s missing here? My statement.

The Mother’s Day industry is missing a HUGE market. Many of us (maybe even most of us) have really shitty mothers. In fact, the only thing that they really did for us is give birth. I would like to see cards and commercials that reflect that. Imagine how many people would relate to that and purchase those commodities rather than have no choice but to ignore mother’s day or send an email that just says “Um, Happy Mother’s Day”.

My Proposal:

How about some cards that say things like:

“Yup. You gave birth to me. I recognize that. I didn’t really ask for it, but you did it.”

“Even though you were emotionally distant and never really cared much for me, you gave me food and shelter. Thanks for not letting me starve to death.”

“Happy Mother’s Day. I know you are rich. When are you going to die?”

“Thanks for having my brother as an accident, and having me as a save-the-marriage baby. Didn’t work out, but it was a good try.”

These are the things I would buy:

A fuzzy bear that records a message without any “awesome” music attached. I would say something like, “Yup. You are an egg donor. I made you sick for nine months, and you were in labor for 8 hours. You got off easy. I have endured you for 35 years so far. Enjoy your day.”

An “easy brake kit” that makes cutting your mother’s car’s brakes a no-brainer. “Happy Mother’s Day! Now give me my money bitch. I have earned it.”

A fake loan contract that says “Thanks for giving me prime+1. I hope next year is a better year for interest rates. The money’s coming back to me anyway when you croak, so what’s with the interest, bitch? Even though you said that’s how you show you are a mother to me, why can’t you fucking hug me you giant cunt?”

A giant sign that says, “Thanks for giving my niece one of your stuffed animals that is 10 years old at the last minute for Christmas since I guilted you into not ruining her Christmas based upon your beliefs.”

A diploma that says, “Yup. I ruined your life by being born. Sorry you couldn’t climb the ladder in one of the big 8 (big 8 back then) because you were forced to take care of me. You should have used a condom. Didn’t you have ANY experience in birth control?”

_______________________________________________________

There are SO many more cards and things that could pander to this market. I formally submit this proposal to all commercial companies that market to “retail-induced” holidays with the goal of increasing sales.